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2006 Authors Insider Tips

Beyond the Basics
With Tulsa Brown
The 30-Second Solution
Backstory vs. Flashback
Intimacy Begins With "I"
Hit the Ground Running
Make the Reader Leap
Meaningful Dialogue
Pulling the String
Central Image
Elegant Smut
Better Plots
Bitch Power


The Write Stuff
From Ashley Lister
Predefined Your Goals
Spell Ink Miss Takes
Plotting & Planning
Character Building
Speech Therapy
Talking Sense


Two Girls Kissing
With Amie M. Evans
Intro to Lesbian Erotica
3-Dimensional Characters
Submitting for Publication
Five Year Writing Plan
Setting Up Your Plan...
The Power of Naming
Language of Lesbian...
Sexual Description
What Can I say?


Hard Business
From Greg Herren
What Are Your Priorities?
How to Edit an Anthology
Follow the Guidelines...
A Cock is Just a Cock
But is it Still a Story?
Who Am I Fucking?
Potential Material
Rejection ...


The Business End
By Kate Dominic
Effective Cover Letters
How to Lose Contracts
Contracts: Agent Issues
Contracts: Read It!
Double Duty Bios
What's Sex?


Literary Streetwalker
By M. Christian
Ground Rules for Writers
No Muse is Good News
Effective Cover Letters
Location, Location
Say Something!
Dirty Words


The Erotic Book Docter
By Susie Bright
Marketing Your Book
Submission Concerns
Promotion Strategies


2006 Smutters Lounge

Pondering Porn
With Ann Regentin
Babes & Hunks of Erotica
Fantasy, Reality & Rape
Selling Ourselves Short
Selling Smut in Motown
The Frankenstein Bride
Frankenstein Revisited
Porn and Perfect Shoes
Porn's Passionate Pull
Instruments of Joy


Get All Worked Up
With J.T. Benjamin
Orwell's Eerie Parallels
Redefining Marriage
The Porn Menace
High-Quality Porn
About Profanity
Dirty Laundry
Big Brother
Sluts


Editorials

Wrong Reasons to do SM
by Midori

Wrong Reasons to do SM
by Midori



Are you a kinkster? Are you a part of the SM community? Do you identify as a leather person? If youíve answered yes so far, do you know why are you a member of this community? Has it fed your needs? Has it made you happier? Has it brought you more peace within yourself? Have you found intimacy and harmonious connections with people that you did not otherwise?

If so, I congratulate youÖ You have found a corner of the complex social network of humanity thatís right for you.

If youíve not found these things, perhaps, just perhaps, you might be seeking to quench your thirst in the wrong watering hole. You may be seeking your bliss on the wrong pilgrimage.

Recently Iíve encountered a few situations where Iíve wondered if a personís need to belong to the kink community was positive or healthy. Iím not talking about the rare egregious nut case murderers who prey on on-line BDSM players and stuff them into 55-gallon drums. Iím talking about everyday people who find themselves in search of something within the leather world and constantly feel unhappy or unfulfilled. I have met such people in casual conversations at leather events, as submissive applicants, as tutorial students and even in my circles of friends.

Thereís a person who thought that being a house boy/servant/sex slave would be a great way to get laid and have a comfortable place to live. Thereís another who uses the premise of TPE (Total Power Exchange) to deprive his sub from having contact with her friends and family. I know of a person who doesnít like any SM play but wanted the seeming tenderness of after-care, so would put up with acts that were uncomfortable to them. There are bottoms who, with artful passive aggressiveness, guilt-trip their tops into serving their needs. There are those who believe that D/s justifies their broken self-image, who feel themselves worthless in the absence of another, and who have deep self esteem issues tops and bottoms both. I know of dominants who force their boys and girls into high-risk sex in the name of obedience.

Why so much of this lately?

During the past several years thereís been a great effort to give positive PR to the SM life. Thatís fine. Iím all for reducing the stigma against alternative sexual practices between consenting adults. But in the rush to show the joy of kink, perhaps weíve done too good of a job. Perhaps weíve made the leather life seem an Eden of sexual adventurousness and a panacea for personal and erotic problems. Weíve also put stock in our reputation as a community that welcomes all adults with open arms, regardless of their proclivities, perversions or dysfunctions. We talk about the joys, the physical highs, the spiritual paths, the honored commitments, the deep bonds, the tenderness, the primal joys, the enlightened communication,.. Sounds wonderful, doesnít it? The spin job by the enthusiastic disciples of perviness has done its workÖ in some quarters. (Although not anywhere near enough in the realms of legal defense, employment protection, and mental health diagnoses.) Understandably, this is what enthusiasts do. Iím guilty as charged. We are thrilled and delighted and only wish to be understood. With such wonderful earnest cheerleading, especially in the world of the Internet where no one can be held accountable for their words, people have been coming out of the woodwork to find SM munches, clubs, play parties and play mates.

What we, the believers havenít mentioned are the mundane details, the downsides, and the realities.

  • If you are broken, SM will not fix you.
  • Your dominant may play your mommy or daddy, but youíre still an independent adult with adult responsibilities to the world.
  • Poor social skills cannot be disguised as dominance.
  • Poor social skills cannot be disguised as submission.
  • You canít get a date just because you bought a whip or a collar.
  • Only you can make yourself worthless.
  • Only you can choose to be powerful.
  • Consensual slavery or D/s is not a meal ticket and a free room.
  • Total Power Exchange isnít.
  • Total Power Exchange canít protect you from a restraining order.
  • Empty rituals will not lead to love.
  • Controlling anotherís life doesnít mean that you have control over yours.
  • Consent is a moment-to-moment experience and does not stand permanently.

Our community ideology states that SM isnít abuse and thereís no place for abuse in good SM, but hereís the realityÖ Abuse in our community happens and we donít always talk about it. It may be the abuse of others or the abuse of the self. I have no idea of what the incidence of abuse in the SM community might be. I have no idea as to whether itís greater, lesser or at par with the general population. But itís there.

Sometimes we arenít certain if an interaction between members of a couple is abusive or consensual behavior. When the dominant silences the sub, is that abuse or is it protocol acceptable in their household? We canít always tell from the outside of the relationship, whether the sub maintains agency of their life and consent or if a sense of powerlessness is pervasive to a point of Stockholm syndrome like helplessness and subjugation. We arenít always certain from the outside whether the domme is enjoying newfound sexual confidence or is actually a reluctant and domineered Wanda to another selfish Severin straight out of "Venus in Furs".

Yes, many people start out in SM feeling uncertainÖ even insecure and lacking confidence. This is to be expected in any new adventure. Iím not talking about the uncertainly of entering a new world. Iím concerned about people who are broken and enter SM to put a leather outfit on and hide their cracks. Some people may believe that this is their only option or the only place they belong. Maybe the broken people mistake simple acceptance for true happiness and deep belonging.

You canít always know who the very broken people are. Sometimes we donít even recognize them when theyíre looking at us in the mirror. Many of the broken have fully internalized the wording of the dogma, catchphrase and slogans of the SM community. They sound great on paperÖ or in their Internet profile. They sound great during the interview or negotiation process.

Hereís one thing to look for; does the SM or D/s they do really turn them on? Does it make them hard or wet? Do they have erotic fantasies about kink? Are they truly happier for being a part of the community?

Along with genuine arousal, are they able to empathize with other people? Do they have friends of quality? Do they have a sense of self worth and self esteem balanced with a healthy sense of humility and integrity? Are they able to interact properly within and outside of the SM community? Has it fed their needs? Has it made them happier? Has SM brought them more peace within the self? Have they found intimacy and harmonious connections with people by way of SM explorations?

In the end, there is no one thatís accountable for us and our own desires but ourselves. Have you looked into your own reason for your life of kink and leather? Do you have agendas beyond that of honest pleasure? Are there hidden hungers or needs that you substitute with your kink enthusiasm? We ought to take a good look into our own hearts from time to time, to examine and monitor our own health and make sure that weíre choosing SM for the right reasons. Nobodyís going to do it for us, at least nobody with out their own agenda.


("Wrong Reasons to do S/M" was originally written for and published in "Babylon Bound" for Spectator 11/2002, Currently reprinted in Wild Side Sex The Book of Kink by Midori, 2005 Daedalus Publishing)

______
© 2005 Midori. All rights reserved. 


About the Author:  How can one capture the charisma and vitality that is Midori on paper? Midori is a champion of sex positive action, education, and adventure. Joyously, she practices what she preaches! Her unique blend of intelligence, style, experience, and hyper-sensuality is an inspiration to all who encounter her.
Wild Side Sex is the latest of the handful of books Midori has written. When Midori is not busy writing, she travels the world presenting to universities, undergraduate clubs, and the general public. Classes such as Aural Sex Seduction by Voice, have sold out all over North America.

Raised in a feminist intellectual Tokyo household, she holds a degree in psychology from the U.C. Berkeley. She has written for many publications and books including, Beauty of Fetish and Readings in Contemporary Sexuality. Her work has appeared on HBO, BBC, Mademoiselle, Penthouse, Playboy, Der Spiegel, Wired, British Esquire, Vogue, Surface and many more.  ó-Linda Santiman, Editor and fan
Learn more about her education work at: FHP-inc.com
blog: livejournal.com/users/fd_midori/

 



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