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'08 Authors Insider Tips


Everything About Epublishing
by Angela James
Epublishing: A Different Way
Choosing an Epublisher
Your Milage May Vary
Understand Your Contract!
Reasonable Expectations


FictionCraft
by Louisa Burton
The Publishing Biz
Critiquing: To Give and ...
Commerical vs. Literary...
Antiformalism for Fun &...
So You Want to Write a Novel
The Story Idea
Planning Your Novel...


The Write Stuff
by Ashley Lister
5 Steps to Success
Inspirational
Opening Passages
Let's Get Critical
Writer's Block
Learning Lessons


Two Girls Kissing
by Amie M. Evans
Be a Finisher ...
Listen to Your Characters
Conferences: Act Now ...
Starting an Erotic Story
Exercises & Writing Prompts
Revising & Rewriting
Copy Editing
The Manuscript Critique
How to Submit Your Work
Reading as Craft


Guest Appearances

Adventures in e-Publishing
by Lisabet Sarai

For the Love of Man
by Laura Baumbach

How to...Influence Editors
by Alison Tyler

Marketing your e-Book
by Brenna Lyons


2008 Smutters Lounge

Ashley Lister Submits
by Ashley Lister
Role Play
Busy Doing Nothing
Picture of a Fish & Chip...
What I Did With My Summer


Cooking Up A Storey
by Donna George Storey
Naughty Cookies...
Tie Me Up, Please …
The Smut-Writer’s Holiday
Never Trust the Narrator ...
Compare and Contrast
Following the Pen
Naked at the Farmers Market
Im Easy, But Im No Slut
Good Girl Gone Bad
Pleasures of the Dark Side
Slow, Spare and Sexy


Get All Worked Up
with J.T. Benjamin
Raising Daughters
Jamie Lynn
Utopias
Lust
The Good Old Days
Election '08
Traditional Marriage
Campaign 2008
Free Will


Pondering Porn
with Ann Regentin
Masturbating on SSRIs
Sex and Disability
Besides Ourselves
Adjusting our Contrast


Sex Is All Metaphors
by Jean Roberta
Sex Is All Metaphors
Turn-ons and Squicks
Sexual Truth
Fickle Muse
Porn, Erotica & Romance


Provocative Interviews

Between the Lines
with Ashley Lister
Alison Tyler
Ashley Lister
Debra Hyde
Donna George Storey
Jeremy Edwards
Kristina Wright
Rachel Kramer Bussel


Erotic Hot Spots
by William S. Dean
Interview with Tilly Greene
Interview with Devyn Quinn


Getting Graphic
with William S. Dean
New Times for Readers...
The Future in Words ...
Interview with Fantagraphics


On Writing Erotica

The Accidental Pornographer
by Lisabet Sarai

The End of Innocence
by Lisabet Sarai

Get Them Off in High Style
Helena Settimana

So, You Want To Write Erotica?
by Hanne Blank


Web Gems
Hot Movies For Her

Ashley Lister Submits
                                        Diary of an Erotic Fiction Writer


Role Play



February is the month of love and romance and what could be more romantic than an upside-down kiss? Or, as it’s more popularly known: the Spiderman Kiss.

I don’t do role-play very well. I have a very pragmatic nature and struggle through enough difficulty playing the role of myself on a daily basis. When I’m called on to pretend I’m someone else I usually fail miserably.

For example, I was once alone in bed with a lady who was enamoured with creatures of the night. At a crucial point of our intimacy she whispered in my ear: “Hello, Mr Vampire!”

I shrieked, jumped out of the bed, turned on the lights and struggled to find my crucifix whilst asking, “Where’s the vampire? Where’s the vampire?

Similarly, playing doctors and patients has resulted in equally embarrassing outcomes.

Patient: “Doctor Ashley, do you want me to strip off so you can give me a thorough examination?”

Dr Ashley: “Errr. Ok.”

Patient: “Are you going to examine me with your special tool?”

Dr Ashley: “What special tool? Oh! You mean my penis. I probably won’t use that. It might be construed as unethical. What are your symptoms?”

Patient: “I have urges.”

Dr Ashley: “Well that sounds more psychological than physiological. Perhaps you don’t need to undress.”

Patient: “And I’m very hot [Patient points to exposed crotch] down here.”

Dr Ashley: “Urghh! You’ve not got a disease, have you? Trust me, I won’t be using my special tool down there until we’ve got the results back to confirm that you’re not infectious.”

Consequently, role-play has never figured as a large part of my love life.

I wear a hard hat whenever doing any building work around the house. However, rather than using this accessory to establish the fantasy role of a rugged construction worker, the most frivolous urge I get is to sing YMCA.

Dressing up as a pirate, my main topics of conversation were not the anticipated clichés of, “Let me shiver your timbers,” or “Swash my buckle, you saucy wench!” Instead, I marvelled at the loss of depth perception that comes from wearing an eye-patch.

Playing James Bond style fantasies has worked well to some degree. I can do a fair Connery impression when saying, “My name is Bond: James Bond.” I look superb in a tux. And, even when I’m not playing the role of James Bond, my weapon is usually somewhere close to hand. But this fantasy always fails when I splutter laughter as my partner announces her first name is Pussy.

Strict teacher and naughty schoolboy fantasies invariably falter when I ask to see the strict teacher’s lesson plan. Military officer and tortured prisoner fantasies seldom get past the first recitation of my rights according to the third Geneva Convention. And the spanking headmaster and contrite schoolgirl scenario seldom goes beyond the initial half hour of conjugating Latin verbs.

Which is why it surprised my wife when I bought the Spiderman costume.

Of course, it would probably surprise anyone to discover that an adult has been out and bought himself a Spiderman costume, but I have never been able to understand why this sort of dressing up is frowned on. On a daily basis I see men walking around in football shirts, usually displaying the name and position number of their particular team’s hero. Is there really such a great difference between them wearing a football costume and my wearing a Spiderman costume? Admittedly, I think the rolled up sock has caused some consternation to passers-by. I’ve heard some people say it attracts women if you have a rolled up sock in your pants. However, through a process of trail and error, I’ve discovered it is only effective when you put the rolled up sock down the front of your pants.

And, being honest, I‘d bought the Spiderman suit to go with the inversion bar.

The inversion bar was my son’s idea. For those of you not up to speed with this piece of exercise equipment the inversion bar, when used with anti-gravity boots, allows a person to hang upside down.

“Why?” I asked my son.

“It’s a health thing,” he explained.

“Is it really healthy to dangle upside down?”

“It gets the blood flowing to your brain,” he pointed out.

I nodded agreement at this point. The blood is already flowing to my brain so I had no real need to dangle upside down. But I can understand why that might be necessary for a teenager. I spent a day drilling the wall, inserting anchor bolts, wearing my hard hat and singing YMCA. When the bar was finally fitted and secure I admired my handiwork and thought: “This is my chance to be Spiderman. This is my chance to experience the Spiderman Kiss.”

The Spiderman Kiss is possibly one of the most erotic moments from the contemporary cartoon/movie genre. Spiderman is in an alleyway, dangling upside down, when his love interest, MJ, pulls his mask from his lips and kisses him.

It’s best not to mention her questionable ethics here. The woman is called MJ and, although that form of address is suspiciously reminiscent of the term “BJ,” MJ (I’m sure) is short for Mary Jane. And MJ doesn’t go round kissing every man she finds dangling in an alleyway—she’s a respectable young lady and has been saving herself for a man in red and blue skin-tight Lycra who just got physical with half a dozen rough guys—so her morality is beyond reproach.

I donned the suit, put the rolled up sock in its proper place, and told my ever-patient wife we could try the Spiderman Kiss.

Words can’t describe the excitement she showed.

Words can’t describe the excitement she showed, mainly because she wasn’t particularly excited and thought the whole idea sounded pretty lame. But she told me to go and hang myself and said she would be along later if there was nothing interesting on the TV.

I won’t bore you with the details of how I got upside down. It’s not a natural position for any human who hasn’t been bitten by a radioactive spider. Even under those conditions I’d venture that, like kissing women with Lycra obsessions, the whole experience is something of an acquired taste. The blood does rush to your head but it doesn’t seem to go to many other important places.

I could feel my eyeballs turning pink underneath my mask.

And I didn’t get to experience my Spiderman Kiss on that first night.

Something interesting came on the TV and my loving and wonderful wife chose to turn the volume up so she could hear her programme over the cries of, “Did someone call for a friendly, neighbourhood Spiderman?” and “Could someone please get Spiderman a stepladder and a defibrillator?”

Nor did it happen the following night. Nor the night after. In truth, my loving and wonderful wife has seen me suspended upside-down only once. On that occasion she retrieved the rolled up sock, put it in the washing basket, and left me to dangle. But this month is February and that’s the month that appeals to the romantic in all of us. I intend to spend every night this month dangling from the inversion bar waiting for my Spiderman Kiss. And, even if that kiss doesn’t happen, it gives my wife the opportunity to tell all her friends that her husband is most definitely “hung.”

Ashley Lister
February 2008


Read more of Ashley's Diary of an Erotic Fiction Writer in ERWA 2007 Archive.

______
"Ashley Lister Submits" © 2008 Ashley Lister. All rights reserved.

About the Author: Ashley Lister is a UK author responsible for more than two-dozen erotic novels written under a variety of pseudonyms.His most recent work, Swingers: True Confessions from Today's Modern Swinging Scene (Virgin Books; ISBN: 0753511355), a non-fiction book recounting the exploits of UK swingers, is his first title published under his own name.
Ashleys non-fiction has appeared in a variety of magazines, including Forum, Chapter & Verse and The International Journal of Erotica. Nexus, Chimera and Silver Moon have published his full-length fiction, with shorter stories appearing in anthologies edited by Maxim Jakubowski, Rachel Kramer Bussel and Mitzi Szereto. He is very proud to be a regular contributor to ERWA.
Email: Ashley Lister
Websites: www.ashleylister.co.uk / ashleylister.blogspot.com



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'08 Movie Reviews

Almost Perfect
Review by Oranje

The Fold
Review by Ashley Lister

Two
Review by Spooky

Fallen
Review by Spooky

'08 Book Reviews

Anthologies

Best Bisexual Women's Erotica
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Best Fantastic Erotica
Review by Ashley Lister

Best Women's Erotica '08
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Bound Brits (ebook)
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Deep Inside: Extreme ...
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Dirty Girls
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Hide and Seek
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Hurts So Good
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J is for Jealousy
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K is for Kink
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Lust Bites
Review by Ashley Lister

Open for Business
Review by Rose B. Thorny

Possession
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Rubber Sex
Review by Ashley Lister

Rubber Sex
Review by Victoria Blisse

Seriously Sexy
Review by Ashley Lister

Sex & Candy
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The Shadow of a... (poetry)
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Spanked
Review by Victoria Blisse

Tasting Her
Review by Kathleen Bradean

Tasting Him
Review by Ashley Lister

Tasting Him
Review by Kathleen Bradean

White Flames
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Yes, Ma'am: Male Submission
Review by Angelika Devlyn

Yes, Sir: Female Submission
Review by Angelika Devlyn

Novels

The Art of Melinoe
Review by Ashley Lister

Demon by Day
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Gemini Heat
Review by Ashley Lister

Gothic Heat
Review by Ashley Lister

The Hidden Grotto Series
Review by Lisabet Sarai

The House of Blood
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In Too Deep
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In Too Deep
Review by Victoria Blisse

Incognito
Review by Donna George Storey

Nicholas
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One Breath at a Time
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Out of the Shadows (ebook)
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Phantasmagoria
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Reckless
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Seduce Me
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Seduced by the Storm
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Serve the People!
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Signed, Sealed and Delivered
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Sunfire (eBook)
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Templar Prize
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The Wicked Sex
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Wild Kingdom
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Gay Erotica

Backdraft
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Best Gay Romance '08
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Hard Hats
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Leathermen
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Lesbian Erotica

Best Lesbian Erotica '08
Review by Donna George Storey

Best Lesbian Erotica '08
Review by Ashley Lister

The Night Watch
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Non-Fiction

America Unzipped
Review by Rob Hardy

Best Sex Writing '08
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Bonk: The Curious Coupling
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The Book of Love
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Casanova: Actor Lover ...
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Dishonorable Passions
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Flagrante Delicto (photos)
Review by Jack Gilbert

The Flesh Press
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Geisha, Harlot, Strangler, Star
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The Humble Little Condom
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Instant Orgasm (sex guide)
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Man O Man! Writing M/M...
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The Not So Invisible Woman
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Swingers: Female...
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Who's Been Sleeping in...
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