Erotica Readers & Writers Association
Home | Erotic Books | Authors Resources | Inside The Erotic Mind | Erotica Gallery
Adult Movies | Sex Toys | Erotic Music | Email Discussion List | Links




'08 Authors Insider Tips


Everything About Epublishing
by Angela James
Epublishing: A Different Way
Choosing an Epublisher
Your Milage May Vary
Understand Your Contract!
Reasonable Expectations


FictionCraft
by Louisa Burton
The Publishing Biz
Critiquing: To Give and ...
Commerical vs. Literary...
Antiformalism for Fun &...
So You Want to Write a Novel
The Story Idea
Planning Your Novel...


The Write Stuff
by Ashley Lister
5 Steps to Success
Inspirational
Opening Passages
Let's Get Critical
Writer's Block
Learning Lessons


Two Girls Kissing
by Amie M. Evans
Be a Finisher ...
Listen to Your Characters
Conferences: Act Now ...
Starting an Erotic Story
Exercises & Writing Prompts
Revising & Rewriting
Copy Editing
The Manuscript Critique
How to Submit Your Work
Reading as Craft


Guest Appearances

Adventures in e-Publishing
by Lisabet Sarai

For the Love of Man
by Laura Baumbach

How to...Influence Editors
by Alison Tyler

Marketing your e-Book
by Brenna Lyons


2008 Smutters Lounge

Ashley Lister Submits
by Ashley Lister
Role Play
Busy Doing Nothing
Picture of a Fish & Chip...
What I Did With My Summer


Cooking Up A Storey
by Donna George Storey
Naughty Cookies...
Tie Me Up, Please …
The Smut-Writer’s Holiday
Never Trust the Narrator ...
Compare and Contrast
Following the Pen
Naked at the Farmers Market
Iím Easy, But Iím No Slut
Good Girl Gone Bad
Pleasures of the Dark Side
Slow, Spare and Sexy


Get All Worked Up
with J.T. Benjamin
Raising Daughters
Jamie Lynn
Utopias
Lust
The Good Old Days
Election '08
Traditional Marriage
Campaign 2008
Free Will


Pondering Porn
with Ann Regentin
Masturbating on SSRIs
Sex and Disability
Besides Ourselves
Adjusting our Contrast


Sex Is All Metaphors
by Jean Roberta
Sex Is All Metaphors
Turn-ons and Squicks
Sexual Truth
Fickle Muse
Porn, Erotica & Romance


Provocative Interviews

Between the Lines
with Ashley Lister
Alison Tyler
Ashley Lister
Debra Hyde
Donna George Storey
Jeremy Edwards
Kristina Wright
Rachel Kramer Bussel


Erotic Hot Spots
by William S. Dean
Interview with Tilly Greene
Interview with Devyn Quinn


Getting Graphic
with William S. Dean
New Times for Readers...
The Future in Words ...
Interview with Fantagraphics


On Writing Erotica

The Accidental Pornographer
by Lisabet Sarai

The End of Innocence
by Lisabet Sarai

Get Them Off in High Style
Helena Settimana

So, You Want To Write Erotica?
by Hanne Blank


Web Gems
Hot Movies For Her

Pondering Porn
with Ann Regentin


The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability:
a review



Ann Regentin Personally, I think The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability (Cleis Press) should be made required reading in med school. It should also be given out with the little pamphlets describing ones condition that one gets in the doctors office upon diagnosis. It would be a lot more useful.

This isn’t the first time someone has tried to write a guide on sex and disability. I’ve seen, and even owned, other attempts. They’ve all been well-intentioned but incomplete, mostly focused on the author’s personal experience with disability, but no two disabilities are the same. Two people can even experience the same disability in different ways. Books by single authors that focus on their own type of impairment aren’t always helpful to those whose impairments or experiences are different.

The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability is the work of three people. Miriam Kaufman is a physician, a pediatrician who specializes in adolescent medicine and who lives with a non-disabling chronic illness. Cory Silverberg is the About.com guide to sexuality, a certified sex educator, and a founding member of Come As You Are. Fran Odette is a disabled queer activist and educator on issues regarding disability in women.

Between the three of them, Kaufman, Silverberg and Odette have done the most thorough job I’ve ever seen of covering the physical and emotional logistics of navigating sexual life with a disability, a not-inconsiderable task. Yup, we like sex. Some of us even like colorful sex. That doesn’t change.

What changes is how we perceive ourselves and how we’re perceived by society as a whole. It never occurs to most people that a woman in a wheelchair might be a good top, or that it’s okay to top a quadriplegic man. For the most part, people don’t even think it’s okay to have sex with us at all, much less bring out the restraints, and frankly it’s long past time someone dealt decisively with this issue.

Here’s why. According to an article in the New York Times last year about one third of Americans in their twenties today will experience some kind of disability while they are of working age, most likely due to chronic illness. Once we reach retirement, that figure rises to 100%, excepting those who die in good health. Even the most active seniors experience physical impairment, and the older we get, the more issues we’re likely to have.

It’s one of those things we don’t think about until it’s too late, and then we find out that so many people also prefer not to think about it that we have very little to work with. How do you use a vibrator when you have little mobility or sensation in your hands? How do you put a condom on when you have an indwelling catheter? How do you have sex when penetration is impossible?

It can all be done, and this book shows you how. It also offers suggestions for the non-physical side of sex, which is arguably the more complex. The further someone deviates from the accepted notions of normal, the more important it is to communicate clearly, and the more difficult that communication becomes. It’s so difficult, in fact, that it doesn’t always work out well no matter what you say or do, but at least there’s some guidance here that can help you do the best you can.

Perhaps the thing I like best about this book is that it isn’t a feel-good piece. The disabled can find themselves more crippled by self-esteem issues than by the disability itself, and that’s in here. We’re just as vulnerable to the ordinary wear and tear of living in a world where even the able-bodied are unable to meet the standards. Some must ask for help from attendants in order to simply masturbate, and some are unable to have penetrative sex at all. We are also significantly more vulnerable to abuse at every turn, by friends, family members, intimate partners and even medical professionals. The psychological defense systems we need to protect ourselves from further abuse may not be in place.

So while we’re not alone in feeling sexual past the onset of disability, we’re also not alone in finding it difficult to form or maintain healthy sexual relationships, with ourselves or with other people, and this is the first book I’ve seen that addresses both physical and emotional issues thoroughly and compassionately, never mind provides lists of books, websites and organizations that can help. This book is worth the price for the Resources chapter alone.

Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability

I’ve changed my mind. Everyone should have this book, because disability affects everyone, one way or another. If it doesn’t get us while we’re still of working age, it will get us as we get older, and it will also get those we know and love. A healthy spouse can get hit by a car, or a sibling can develop cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, or any number of disabling conditions, and the prevailing assumption that the disabled are incapable of or disinterested in sex creates additional barriers to a full life.

The assumptions about the disabled and sex don’t just affect our intimate relationships, they affect every social relationship we have. How many well-meaning matchmakers think of hooking that great girl they know up with their cousin who has MS? And how many physical therapists think to teach their clients how to adapt their sex lives?

The answer is not many, but this book does its level best to fill the gap. Having issues with self-esteem and worried about what it will be like to meet people? It’s in here. Sexual logistics? It’s in here. Communication? It’s in here. Information on sexually transmitted diseases? It’s in here. Kink? It’s in here, too, and so is what to do if you’re being abused. It even has a bit about one of my favorite body-supporting activities: Yoga.

As a writer who specializes in love between imperfect people, this book is a gold mine. There’s information about disabilities I have no experience of, personal or vicarious. I’ll refer to it again and again.

As a disabled person, this book is a great comfort. There’s nothing in here regarding my own impairment that I didn’t already know, but it’s good to be reminded that I’m not alone. Life with disability might be interesting, but it’s never easy.

It’s possible that something’s been left out of this book, but it’s not for lack of trying on the part of the authors or of Cleis Press. They’ve done an excellent job. Anything further will build or expand on this rather than better it.

So in the absence of me being able to afford to buy six billion copies, get one for yourself. If the disabled person in your life is your partner, it can help you understand what they’re going through and how to best offer support. If it’s a friend or relative, it can help you accept and support their intimate life.

If the disabled person is you, at the very least it will let you know you have plenty of company.

Ann Regentin
www.annregentin.com
March 2008


The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability

(Cleis Press; Second Edition; ISBN-10: 1573443042)
Available at: Amazon.com  / Amazon UK


Find Ann Regentin Pondering Porn in ERWA 2008 Archive.

______
© 2008 Ann Regentin. All rights reserved. Content may not be copied or used in whole or part without written permission from the author.


About the Author:† Ann Regentin was introduced to erotica at a tender age, when a raid of her mother's bookshelves netted such gems as The Perfumed Garden and Lady Chatterly's Lover. She started writing it during her ninth grade biology class, then dropped it for about twenty years to become a musician, a college student, a cripple, a bookstore clerk, an artist, a model, a mother, a parrot rescuer, and finally a reference writer before coming full circle back to erotica.
Her stories and articles have appeared in a variety of places both online and in print, and she is a Contributing Editor at CleanSheets.com. She lives in the Midwest with her son, two parrots, and an elderly Gibson guitar.
Visit Ann Regentin at: www.annregentin.com



  E-mail this page


Search ERWA Website:

Copyright © 1996 and on, Erotica Readers Association, Inc.
All Rights Reserved World Wide. Reproduction in whole or in part in any form or
medium without express written permission is prohibited.

'08 Movie Reviews

Almost Perfect
Review by Oranje

The Fold
Review by Ashley Lister

Two
Review by Spooky

Fallen
Review by Spooky

'08 Book Reviews

Anthologies

Best Bisexual Women's Erotica
Review by Ashley Lister

Best Fantastic Erotica
Review by Ashley Lister

Best Women's Erotica '08
Review by Ashley Lister

Bound Brits (ebook)
Review by Ashley Lister

Deep Inside: Extreme ...
Review by Cervo

Dirty Girls
Review by Rose B. Thorny

Hide and Seek
Review by Ashley Lister

Hurts So Good
Review by Ashley Lister

J is for Jealousy
Review by Ashley Lister

K is for Kink
Review by Ashley Lister

Lust Bites
Review by Ashley Lister

Open for Business
Review by Rose B. Thorny

Possession
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Rubber Sex
Review by Ashley Lister

Rubber Sex
Review by Victoria Blisse

Seriously Sexy
Review by Ashley Lister

Sex & Candy
Review by Ashley Lister

The Shadow of a... (poetry)
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Spanked
Review by Victoria Blisse

Tasting Her
Review by Kathleen Bradean

Tasting Him
Review by Ashley Lister

Tasting Him
Review by Kathleen Bradean

White Flames
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Yes, Ma'am: Male Submission
Review by Angelika Devlyn

Yes, Sir: Female Submission
Review by Angelika Devlyn

Novels

The Art of Melinoe
Review by Ashley Lister

Demon by Day
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Gemini Heat
Review by Ashley Lister

Gothic Heat
Review by Ashley Lister

The Hidden Grotto Series
Review by Lisabet Sarai

The House of Blood
Review by Lisabet Sarai

In Too Deep
Review by Ashley Lister

In Too Deep
Review by Victoria Blisse

Incognito
Review by Donna George Storey

Nicholas
Review by Victoria Blisse

One Breath at a Time
Review by Angelika Devlyn

Out of the Shadows (ebook)
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Phantasmagoria
Review by Ashley Lister

Reckless
Review by Rose B. Thorny

Seduce Me
Review by Ashley Lister

Seduced by the Storm
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Serve the People!
Review by Donna G. Storey

Signed, Sealed and Delivered
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Sunfire (eBook)
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Templar Prize
Review by Angelika Devlyn

The Wicked Sex
Review by Ashley Lister

Wild Kingdom
Review by Angelika Devlyn

Gay Erotica

Backdraft
Review by Vincent Diamond

Best Gay Romance '08
Review by Vincent Diamond

Hard Hats
Review by Vincent Diamond

Leathermen
Review by Kathleen Bradean

Lesbian Erotica

Best Lesbian Erotica '08
Review by Donna George Storey

Best Lesbian Erotica '08
Review by Ashley Lister

The Night Watch
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Non-Fiction

America Unzipped
Review by Rob Hardy

Best Sex Writing '08
Review by Rob Hardy

Bonk: The Curious Coupling
Review by Rob Hardy

The Book of Love
Review by Rob Hardy

Casanova: Actor Lover ...
Review by Rob Hardy

Dishonorable Passions
Review by Rob Hardy

Flagrante Delicto (photos)
Review by Jack Gilbert

The Flesh Press
Review by Rob Hardy

Geisha, Harlot, Strangler, Star
Review by Donna G. Storey

The Humble Little Condom
Review by Rob Hardy

Instant Orgasm (sex guide)
Review by Ashley Lister

Man O Man! Writing M/M...
Review by Vincent Diamond

The Not So Invisible Woman
Review by Ashley Lister

Swingers: Female...
Review by Lisabet Sarai

Who's Been Sleeping in...
Review by Rob Hardy