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'10 Authors Insider Tips

Cooking Up A Storey
by Donna George Storey
Have More Good Sex
I Can Do Better ...
Trying to Get the Feeling
Plotting and Planning
Character Profiles
Discovery Draft
Be Bad to Be Good
E-Book Revolution
Naked for Halloween
Sex With Pilgrims


FictionCraft
by Louisa Burton
The Music of Words
The Balancing Act
Your Fictional World
Backstory & Foreshadowing


The Fine Art of Submission
by Shanna Germain
Nailing the Query Letter
Banish the Boring Bio
Becoming a Market Master
Become a Market Master, 2
Backstory & Foreshadowing
Enticing An Editor, Part 1
Enticing An Editor, Part 2
Contracts, Money & More


Serious about Smut
by Vincent Diamond
No More Horsing Around
Short Stuff
Selling Short Stories
Editors' Pet Peeves
Settings: Beyond Time & Place
Beating Up Your Scenes
Selling Your Books in Person
Staying in the Saddle


The Write Stuff
by Ashley Lister
Broken Rainbows
Talk the Talk
Equations
10 Commandments for Writing
Plotting to Avoid
Cover Story
Rewriting




'10 Smutters Lounge

Ashley Lister Submits
by Ashley Lister
St Valentine's Day
Renaming Body Parts
Sex, Cigarettes & Erotic Fiction


Between the Lines
with Ashley Lister
C. Sanchez-Garcia
Emerald
Kathleen Bradean
Lucy Felthouse
Neve Black
PS Haven
Tracey Shellito
Tresart L. Sioux


Cracking Foxy
with Robert Buckley
Plenty of Miles Left
Don't Worry, Be Happy
Fly the Unfriendly Skies
Coffee Time
Castrated Words
Virtual vs. Actual Romance
Bait
The View from Gallows Hill


Get All Worked Up
with J.T. Benjamin
The Fashion Industry
The Same Old Same Old
Writing Porn
About the Closet
... About Spirituality
Making Sense of Religion
Worked Up About Monogamy
What's Next
All Worked Up About Nature
Still All Worked Up...


Sex Is All Metaphors
by Jean Roberta
Holiday Ghosts
Love and Romance
An "Interracial" Epic
Trying to Make It Go Away
Sexual Etiquette
Sex and Children
People Against Bad Things
Virtual Acceptance
His Cold Eyes, His Granite Jaw
A Flash of Northern Light

The Write Stuff

by Ashley Lister

Equations

 

I don’t often do mathematics.  Even simple arithmetic.  My head isn’t designed for it.  At school a teacher once asked, me: “If you have five apples in one hand and four apples in the other, what do you have?”

My response was: “Fucking big hands.”

It wasn’t the worst answer I ever gave to a question at school.  In woodwork I sat a written paper which asked me to name three types of screwdriver.  I wrote: “A red one and two blue ones.”  It will surprise no one to learn that I’ve not been successful with any woodwork projects since then. 

When asked to write a sentence using the word loquacious, I wrote: This is a sentence using the word loquacious.  I still think that’s as good an answer as any other. 

But it’s mathematics where I have always had problems and the situation has grown worse over the years.  Since the invention of the pocket calculator I’ve always maintained that mathematics has become redundant.  Why do I need to know how to add, subtract or do the other one when I can buy a cheap machine that will do it all for me?  Why do I need to be able to calculate percentages when computers, calculators and cash machines are already programmed to perform that function on my behalf?  To my mind it’s like learning how to chew soup or blink in reverse: a skill that will never benefit me in any way whatsoever.

But there is one equation I know off by heart.  An equation that I believe every writer should have embroidered in linen and framed over their desk, or tattooed on the arse of a confidante so the words can be read at the writer’s leisure. 

£$€ → writer

This equation is best understood where £$€ = ‘money’;  → = ‘goes to’’; and ‘writer’ = ‘writer.’

The logistics behind this equation are remarkably simple.  A writer writes something.  For the purposes of this article ‘something’ could refer to a novel, short story, poem or any of a thousand other variations on the materials produced by a writer.  The writer then sells that ‘something’ for money.  The money then goes to the writer.

It’s a remarkably simple equation.  But it’s also an equation that many non-writers try to usurp.  Vanity publishing is just one instance, where ne’er-do-well scam artists try to inveigle the money from a writer’s pocket with the sordid promise of publication.  According to the equation (and the equation is never wrong) this is not how reality works.  Read the equation again if you have any doubts.

£$€ → writer

Manuscript Appraisal services are another area where outside parties try to distort the equation.  A Manuscript Appraisal services is where the writer is expected to pay someone to read their work and tell them how to improve it.  How fucked up is that?  I don’t write something and then pay people to read what I’ve written.  (Admittedly, there are some people who say I couldn’t pay them to read what I’ve written, but you expect that sort of backchat from family and friends). 

The idea of a writer paying someone to read their work is anathema to the glorious equation.  (The equation that is never wrong).  Once again, the equation is reiterated below in case anyone has missed the way this works.

£$ € → writer

And then there are agencies who charge reading fees.  I’ve read websites where agencies explain that they’re busy people.  They have a lot of work.  Their time is a precious commodity.  And so they have to charge a reading fee to cover the time and expense of reading a proposal.  

Personally, I have never thought that these charges are legitimate.  Rather than an agency trying to compensate for the loss of their precious time, I’ve always suspected that this is a scam trying to milk aspiring authors of hard-earned cash.  And the wisdom of the equation proves me right.

If you’re reading this and looking to get published, I wish you all the luck in the world.  It’s not easy and it can be a demanding and soul-destroying process.  But I would urge you to NEVER part with money on your bid to secure publication.  It defies the flow of the equation, and the equation cannot be defied.

Ashley Lister
May-June 2010


If you have comments or questions about this column, please send them to Ashley Lister

Find more of Ashley's Write Stuff in ERWA 2010 Archive.

______
"The Write Stuff" © 2010 Ashley Lister. All rights reserved.

About the Author:  Ashley Lister is a UK author responsible for more than two-dozen erotic novels written under a variety of pseudonyms. His most recent work, Swingers: True Confessions from Today's Modern Swinging Scene (Virgin Books), a non-fiction book recounting the exploits of UK swingers, is his first title published under his own name.
Ashley’s non-fiction has appeared in a variety of magazines, including Forum, Chapter & Verse and The International Journal of Erotica.  Nexus, Chimera and Silver Moon have published his full-length fiction, with shorter stories appearing in anthologies edited by Maxim Jakubowski, Rachel Kramer Bussel and Mitzi Szereto.  He is very proud to be a regular contributor to ERWA.
Email:  Ashley Lister
Website:  www.ashleylister.co.uk



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'10 Book Reviews

Anthologies

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