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Why the deception?

Faking orgasmWhy do women fake orgasms? I can think of two reasons: 1. Because she's ready to get the sex over with. 2. Because she wants to make her partner feel good about himself. I wonder if these reasons justify faking it, and wonder about the myth that all women do it.  So, am I missing something, or what? Do you, or have you, faked orgasms, and why? —Sandi


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From Anonymous
I have faked it to “get it over with” when any of the men I’ve been with have exhibited what I call a formulaic approach to hetero partner sex that has a few perfunctory kisses, groping of breasts, teasing of nipples, maybe some oral ministrations, and then penetration, in that order, no back-tracking, no lingering on any step. That seems to be not only the approach expected to end with both of us climaxing, but it even seems to be on a time-table of how long all that should take before our mutual explosion.

I want to say, "Slow down, boys!" Here's a little story to illustrate the lack of harmony I've experienced more often than not: I was madly attracted to a musician, who had great charisma. I had desired him for months, fantasized about being with him, and, finally, had the opportunity to spend the night with him. I was lost in sensation and deeply enjoying our slow, sensual embraces and feeling of flesh on flesh, when he broke the spell by saying, “Let’s put the foolish thing in, shall we … ?” We did, and I faked it, and that ended that infatuation.

From Anonymous
I've never faked an orgasm.  If I'm having sex I'm in it with the intention of having an orgasm--that's my primary goal--and faking it is not going to accomplish that!  I've never been in a situation where I wanted the sex to be over more than I wanted to have an orgasm, so I've always found a way to make it happen for real.  I'm not above sorting myself out after the man has orgasmed, and I don't see any reason a man should take it personally if I don't orgasm based on what he has or hasn't done to me.

I see sex as a mutual-helping situation where we still have ultimate responsibility for ourselves.  It is not a man's job to make sure I orgasm--that's my job--but I enjoy having him help me along, and I enjoy helping him.  If we take responsibility for our own pleasure, then there's no need to fake, and no feelings to get hurt, because there is no blame, no failure, and no resentment.  I don't think it's possible for a man to "make" me orgasm--if I'm not doing my part in terms of mental attention and physical involvement, nothing much is going to happen--so it's also not his fault if I don't orgasm.  If I orgasm or don't orgasm, it's down to me.  Faking an orgasm in that context would be pointless.

From Madison
Yes, I've faked it.  Do I feel good about it?  No, because it's a lose-lose all around.  But sometimes the guy is trying so hard (too hard) and it's just not going to happen.  My current lover takes it as a personal failure, even though I keep telling him it's about the journey, not the destination.  I can't seem to relax enough to let it happen.  He tends to be too rough in his stroking of me, and I take his hand and reposition it, or whisper "slowly, there you go" and it lasts for a short while, then he goes right back to what he was doing.  It's not that I can't orgasm, because I regularly do it on my own.  I haven't quite figured out what to do about this.  After a while I am chafed and just want to be done with it.

From Anonymous
I have never faked an orgasm or felt any need to (e.g. I either orgasmed or communicated to my lover that I wasn't going to and that was ok). How can we women expect men to know what we need/want in bed if we LIE about it by faking? We can hardly blame them for being "insensitive" lovers if we lead them to believe we are getting off when we are not.

I know that, as a woman, I want to be told/shown how to bring the man pleasure if I am not making the grade. I do the same for him if it's not working for me and there is something he could do differently to change that. My orgasms are MY responsibility, not man "gives" a woman an orgasm, per se. In a relationship, sex is one of the most intimate, vulnerable times and to introduce deception seems like a betrayal of sorts. I know how I would feel if I discovered my partner had been faking it, even some of the time. I'd rather hurt his male ego (he's a big boy...he can handle it) than systematically deceive him.

From Bob
I faked an orgasm once. Later she said, "I didn't know guys could do that."

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