Faking It
Why the deception?

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From Anonymous
I am in the same boat as Anonymous [see entry below]. I am fairly promiscuous (not saying that with pride, but just to explain my story) and have been with quite a few guys but have almost never gotten off by any of them. I seem to only be able to give myself earth shaking orgasms. I have never been with a guy that I was not insanely attracted to and hot for, but I have also never been with a guy that I was in a long term and committed relationship with.

I blame my dilemma partly on the fact that I think it is hard for me to fully relax my mind and body with a guy I am not completely emotionally connected with (performance anxiety?) but also on the fact that I feel too pressured and rushed (almost as though I don't want to make him eat me for too long or I'll start to feel bad). So I end up faking it. Sometimes I end up faking it by mistake! It just has become habit. And I don't want to - I know it cheats me out of what I know could be an absolutely amazing experience.

From Anonymous
I have orgasms if I do it, but I've almost never had one with a man, oral or otherwise. I feel pressured to hurry up and have one and then I don't have one at all. No matter how emotionally close I am to my partner it doesn't happen. So I fake it a lot and I hate it. What can I do?

From Ravenwoman
I have never faked it. I sort of resent the widely disseminated stereotype that most or all women do. Maybe many or even most do from time to time, but I have not. No judgment on those who do, just my personal experience and preference.

I do not come from penetration or intercourse alone, as much as I love, love, love it, I am a clitoral gal when it comes to orgasm, though I have come close a few times, but it is a different sensation, still fantastic, but not the same degree of release. I must have some clit and/or nipple stimulation during intercourse to come (and it has only been within the last year or so that we have been exploring that; for 20 yrs he made me come first then we fucked...or, we both got off from oral, also fantastic...was always my dream to come with him inside me, I think that is a "myth" of sorts; the whole simultaneous orgasm from intercourse alone, at least it is a myth for many women, and can make them feel inadequate if they can't do it, and now I have, but only with the proper stimulation, and it was great for both of us, but I digress)

One, I consider it dishonest and I do not want to lie to my lover. Two, why on earth would I lie and deny myself the satisfaction I want and need rather than tell him what to do to bring me off? Self-defeating, in my opinion.

I will and have told him to stop trying when I realized it was simply not going to happen that time, no matter what. (If I feel it will, but he is not doing what I need for it to, I will communicate that, as well, but sometimes I just don't come, even from the best, most prolonged oral; stress or a bit too much to drink that night or tired, no matter how horny I am)

I can understand the experience of just wanting it to be over and not wanting to hurt the man's feelings. That would be a tough call. If you don't have the degree of communication and mutual trust and security to be able to tell him and assure him it is ok and then let him "get his", I can see the temptation to fake it. I just don't feel that's a sound basis for any potential future intimacy.

From Misha
I haven't been with that many women, so I don't know how they all react at the point of climax. I was checking out the Beautiful Agony site a while ago and was completely surprised by the amount of people that I could not tell from their face/voices/whatever part is visible that they'd actually come.  They just powered down and that was it. I had to rewind and I still couldn't really tell.  So I figured that people are so completely different that way, that it may be possible.

Me, there are things that happen that I cannot physically do at any other time except when I climax.  My legs tend to shudder at a speed that is impossible to do on purpose, and while I do Kegels constantly, I can't do them as fast as they happen during orgasm.  Also, there's this spot - and I’ m not sure if it's the g-spot or not, because mine seems to be located on the opposite wall - it grows bigger and throbs at the moment right before climaxing. I can feel it and my partner can surely feel it.

From Claire
I once faked it during phone sex. Sadly though, the phone sex was incredible and I would have given anything to have been able to give myself the extra little push over the edge, but my environmental circumstances weren't permitting. It was a friend of mine who has since become my 'phone buddy.' he's absolutely astounding with words and I felt bad for having faked it with him considering it was his first time having phone sex. 

But afterwards I looked on the bright side -- I was popping his phone cherry...so it's good that he got off. I haven't faked it with him since though. And I don't have the heart to tell him I faked it the first time. I joked that I had once and he said "yeah right, your not that good an actress." oh well!

From Doug
As I ride the energy of the woman's orgasmic wave, it is very obvious if missing, no matter what her vocalizations. And involuntary movements can't be duplicated with voluntary movements for anybody who observes well. Kegels just are not the same as the contractions. I've never had a woman fake it that I know of, but I have very limited experience. 

My wife of many years thought it pointless to mislead me and learned how to orgasm much more easily with time. My girlfriend has been wildly orgasmic from the beginning. If I were just learning about a new partner I would much prefer honest reactions. My ego isn't dependent upon either of us having an orgasm.

From Jen 
I put pressure on myself, I think.  If a guy is eating me out, or doing something to pleasure me, I feel like, is he bored?  Is he tired?  Is he thinking, “Come already!”  And then I can't really get into it.  I've faked it to get it over with and to make the guy feel good, but the truth is, I don't think it's the right thing to do, and it's not fair to either of us. We both lose out.  But I feel inadequate because I can't get it out of my head that he's frustrated by how long it's taking me.

From Amanda
It is not good to fake, I know. It's better to be honest with a lover, but there have been times with new lovers where I've tried to explain to them ahead of time that I just don't orgasm with someone the first few times, and they simply don't understand it. I think they do, until we get in bed and then they plow, plow away, trying very hard, their faces turning red with effort, their bodies covered in sweat. I don't want to kill them, I just want to make love to them and I want to give them what they want. If it makes them happy to believe that I am orgasming, why is this so bad?

It doesn't bode well for a long term relationship and I have not done this with my own husband: first of all because he is the most patient man I know and doesn't care if it takes me an hour to climax, and also because he, like me, understands that making love isn't just about that final prize.

For that one afternoon you spend with someone, never to see them again, where's the harm? I say faking it's ok. It's better than leaving a lover frustrated with himself, in my opinion.

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