Is Cybersex Cheating?

An acquaintance wrote a story about a cybersex affair that eventually moved into reality. He said that while he has experimented with cybersex many times, he's never gone so far as to meet any of the people he's been involved with, because he's never cheated on his wife. Here's my burning question of the day....Is cybersex cheating? —Lybbe

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From Raven
I tend to agree that it is the "sneaky", lying aspect which would constitute cheating, but that is just my perspective and others would feel differently.

I've never engaged in "cybersex", for one because it holds little appeal to me personally and for another it is not something I would have felt comfortable sharing with my partner (and would have considered it "cheating" otherwise)

But I imagine if both partners are ok with it, or even enjoy it together, where's the problem? I can see how it could add another, positive dimension to a relationship.

Just wanted to add, in response to a post below regarding diseases, my partner of over 2 decades recently passed away, (of unrelated issues) and it was discovered during routine tissue testing that he was infected with Hep C (and I'm sure had been since before we met, having had a brief history of IV drug use a year or so before we met).

From everything I've found (the CDC, and other reliable sources, including our local HIV/HepC program) the risk of sexual transmission is considered very low, less than 3%, even over a "lifetime of unprotected sex with an infected partner" (to quote the CDC). They did not recommend I be tested, and the local program does not even currently do testing of sexual contacts (though I may still get tested, just for my own peace of mind)

I completely agree with the routine use of condoms, (plenty of other nasty things out there!) but just wanted to point out that Hep C is most commonly, almost exclusively, in fact, acquired through IV drug use, unsafe tattoo/piercing practices, and other blood to blood transmission, not sex, even sex with multiple partners or prolonged exposure to one infected partner. Something I did not know until recently.

From kalliannassa
For my husband and I it is very simple. If you lie about it to the other person, or conceal it at all you are cheating. If you are up-front and honest about whatever activity you are involved in, physical or otherwise that is not cheating.

We decided that we are more concerned about not betraying trust than sexual fidelity, which is not the same as monogamy, but that is another rant.

From me
I was searching for advice on this subject and find it very strange that cyber sex is not considered cheating; how could it not? Just because you are not physically touching each other, doesn't make it ok. Especially live chat shows. It is not some random porn star on a random dvd, it is a live person who is responding to your requests as if they are in the room with you, so what's the difference?

How sad it is that sex is taken so lightly, and that so many marriages and relationships hurt from it. Especially if you have children, what if they stumble across it? That happened to my husband when he was very young, he saw something very graphic and it has hurt him mentally over the years. I don't think we realize what a negative impact the porn industry has on people. Not to mention the exploitation of the actual "porn actor". In a recent study, it was shown that a high percentage of porn stars where abused as children. That is horribly sad.

I understand men are visual creatures (as some women are). I am not asking for perfection or saying that I myself have never viewed porn. I am speaking from experience;  porn has only ever negatively affected my life and my husband's. It is hard enough trying to be a strong and true couple in today's society without this sort of readily temptation available; we live in a me first society. We have become used to quick and easy gratifications.

Also, there is a lot to be said for mutual abstinence. My husband and I abstain during the days of ovulation to avoid pregnancy, and that open communication has improved our sex life. We want each other more when we can't have each other, and when the time is right, it's amazing!

From Nervicula
Cybersex is only cheating if it cuts off viewer's relationship with his/her current love or spouse and goes to real meeting with the person you are having cybersex with.  I've had some great sex scenes with strangers that stayed strangers.  That's what made it fun.

From Brie
I had one of the most intimate and full blown love affairs only it was online. See we both love to rp which is role playing and well our roles took our characters to places neither one of us has ever been too. We both live normal lives with less then perfect figures, but in the role play we were who we always wanted to be and honestly when our characters finally made love, I cried in real life.

We had kept our role play going for nearly four months and due to life issues we had to close it or rather end it. We ran out of time and our role play had come to the point where either our characters made love or it was all for nothing. To this day I will remember our romance as one that was the best ever, if only it was real, but perhaps it will live on best in my heart. It was real, it was heart felt and beautiful.

From Cassie
I have had cybersex many times. I read in one response that the female had went from cyber to swinging. I am sure that cybersex it not cheating, and if you have moved to swinging, real interaction, you are very very much in trouble. Your partner may be in trouble too. Swinging can lead to any one of several deadly diseases. I know because I have friends who have had HpC. Please don't swing and not use a condom.

Cyber is not cheating, because it allows your MIND to have sex, not your physical body. My boyfriend allows me to do it because it makes me feel good, and have no real danger and no shame. I love him, all the more, and I respect him for this. thanks for listening.

From Mike
Two years ago I met a 30 yr old bi female from Miami in a chat room. One thing led to another, and we began to IM each other, found out we had same ethnic backgrounds. She knew I was more than twice as old as she was, and enjoyed being intimate and erotic with each other.

We began to describe to each other how we would make love to one another very graphically, and she liked the way I worded my forays with her in cyberspace. We exchanged a few photos of each others body parts via email. We continued this for several months, until I got sloppy with my email and forgot to delete certain emails and my wife caught me.

In order to stay married I had to email my cybermate that I had to retire from chatrooms and cybersex.

From RQ
'Cheating'? Depends on the expectations on both sides of the relationship. Like any kind of sexual activity outside the relationship, if you haven't actually discussed it with you partner, you can't know for sure how they view it.

My concern about cyber sex - and a few people have commented on this - is that it can be a kind of addiction. Addiction is selfish. It covers up an inability to deal with difficult things in real time. It generates deceit.

For me, in a relationship, cybersex is a possible negotiable. Addiction on the other hand, regardless of the form it takes, is something I can do without.

From Mistress Sensua
I was bored at home after work late one night, and started checking out the Craigslist "Casual Encounters" section. I stumbled across a photo of the most juicy, enormous cock I've ever seen. I was transfixed by it . . . almost hypnotized . . . and VERY turned on. I wrote to him, not expecting a response. He did write back, and that began a torrid cyber affair that went on for weeks. 

We'd write each other back and forth for hours, and I wound up so horny from all of the delicious anticipation I basically walked around sopping wet for weeks. When we finally had phone sex I came in literally 15 seconds! 

A friend suggested I join Adult Friend Finder if I was so into it, and after doing so I met a man I fell head over heels in love with. I still write my cyberlover, but not nearly as frequently (at one point we were writing each other 10-20 times a day). It just feels like cheating, even though my new boyfriend doesn't care. I opened myself up to this man online in a way that can only be described as intimate - he's seen photos of the deepest parts of my body, and we have moaned in each other's ears as we came to earth-shattering simultaneous orgasms. 

If anyone's voting, I vote yes - it's cheating. But boy, is it fun! Although now that I'm in love and getting fucked good and hard on a regular basis, it has lost a bit of it's appeal. Mostly we just write each other as friends these days. Only you and your conscience can decide if you are cheating or not.

From Matt
I wasn't sure about this until one evening two weeks ago. My wife visited her sister and was away for 3 nights. My wife and I have an active sex life and by the third night I was feeling a little lonely, bored, and a little horny so I decided to view some porn on the net.

I stumbled across a site where people chatted online. I met a girl who had a webcam so we linked up to see each other while we talked. I was happy to see she was a pretty young lady, she said she was 18 so I'll believe her and we agreed to take our clothes off so we could watch each other.

Man, I got so horny watching her, and we agreed to mutual masturbation, which I guess was cyber-sex. It was very erotic, and after she made herself cum and I tossed off, we said goodnight and went offline.

So I'd had cyber-sex with a very pretty and horny young lady who was now nothing but a pleasant memory. She probably does it with lots of guys for kicks. I know I enjoyed it.

My point is this. I don't regard it as any different to watching any other type of porn, so I certainly don't regard it as cheating. Maybe if we kept meeting and did it regularly, it may be different.

I just thought I'd share my story.

From Don
I write from experience. I was the husband that had cybersex while married and I am also the husband whose present wife was having cybersex. I believe that it is not cheating unless it is taking time away from either your spouse, boyfriend or family.

My present wife finally admitted to me that her cybersex was with someone whom she had met before her and I met. I was able to read one of her conversations once when she accidentally left her pc on the chat page. I was very upset because they were reliving in words the times that they were together and had sex. They were very detailed including the way her apartment was decorated at that time. It has been more that 8 years since they have seen each other but I spoke to her and she said that she was doing it for us and was trying to make our marriage more erotic. 

That is all good, except I can only recall one time in which I benefited from their conversation, She has since stopped the cybersex.

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