What is a Dom...
Lover or wife beater?

What is the difference between a sexual dominant (or Dom) and a wife beater?   —Anonymous

"Things like the spanking scene with James Spader (in 'The Secretary'), I felt so protected and I was really trusting of James. So I felt excited and curious the way my character felt."   —Maggie Gyllenhaal

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From x
I agree with Kalliannassa: Dom/sub is not the same as bondage. I am in my late 40s and in a new relationship. My boyfriend is interested in a dom (him)/sub sex life, and I am thrilled. I have no interest whatsoever in bondage.

From kalliannassa
Why does it seem that dominant and submissive get so entangled (pun partially intended) with S/M? The two are neither mutually inclusive, nor exclusive. There can be control without violence or physical restraint. The latter is actually more difficult, and I say that only from the perspective of a classroom teacher. If I could physically restrain, or forcibly gag some of my students my class would run a lot more smoothly. Of course since I teach high school some those students would probably be too aroused by the experience/sight to learn anyway.... sigh...

I don't think I would ever tolerate an abusive relationship, and I don't care to mix pain with my pleasure, but after a long day of hyper responsibility, I fantasize about submitting my will to another, a caring responsible other.

A dom should be someone to whom control is willingly given, and who handles that control with skill and respect for what they have been given. From my limited knowledge a wife beater steals control through deceit, abusive language, and spinning the truth, then uses violence to enhance/maintain the control they stole.

Finally, if pain/violence is consented to in a D/S situation, and both parties enjoy, the rest of the world ought to let well enough alone.

From Cat
A dom is either a man or woman sho takes control sexually in someone's life. Everything before hand is discussed in what can and what can not happen. It is meant for the thrill, not to hurt anyone.You should never do this with someone you don't totally trust. I have been the Dom and the submissive. If you think about it the Dom cannot do anything unless the submissive gives the ok.

Both people are getting something out of it as long as it's played correctly. Does this always work? There is no positive in anything. When I was in my 20's had a husband who was abusive. This was scary and no where near pleasurable. It went on for a year. I had concussions, broken ribs and more. We were in counseling and I was trying to do the right thing. I didn't know he hit his ex-wife, too. But I did not stand there and let him just punch me, I hit back. I had abuse growing up and I decided that was enough. I finally threatened him in a way that made him leave. It was a wonderful thing. I guess I ended up being the Dom.

From Remittance Girl
What's the difference between a dom and wife beater?  It's the difference between lending your favorite car to a trusted friend and getting carjacked in Johannesburg.

With one, you get your car back, sometimes waxed and often with a full tank. With the other, you're very lucky if you come out of the experience alive.

From Isadora
I am super-vanilla, but fantasize in BDSM. Perhaps that gives me little credibility to speak to this. But, being my educated sassy self, I of course, will anyway. It seems to me part of the real difference is in motivation. A beaten woman who stays with her abuser must think in part at some times, "I deserve this punishment because I am of little value." Female BDSM subs must think at some times, "I get off on this and can seek relationships that get me off." Those seem to me to be wildly different mindsets. The first is extremely sad; the second, very exhilarating.

From J.Z. Sharpe
A dom is like the guy who comes and mows my lawn.  He has my express permission to conquer the weeds and to take whatever measures are necessary to bring order to my yard.  He knows there are certain limits; for example, he knows better than to eradicate the rose bushes, or pave over the back yard.  We have an understanding.  It is consensual.

A wife beater is like a certain American president who has decided to wage war in foreign lands.  He does not have my express permission to conquer total strangers and to take whatever measures are necessary to bring "order" to that other country.  He knows no limits.  We have no understanding of any kind.  I didn't vote for the guy.  It's not consensual in any way, shape or form.

From Sandi
A couple of other things have been left out in this discussion.

BDSM has many variations, methods, and depths.  Not all who enjoy it include spanking, whipping, or other "violence" in their activities. While some maintain the D/s lifestyle full time, there are lots and lots of people who enjoy BDSM in the bedroom, and in the bedroom alone. In fact for some the roles are completely reversed outside of the bedroom.

And, since most of this conversation has focused on women as subs, I would like to add that some men enjoy being in that role very much.

From Kyra
A Dom can grow a beautiful garden that thrives beneath his hand.  He must tend it carefully, teach the vine to follow the trellis, control the unruly dandelions that keeps wanting to overtake the rich green lawn, trim and fertilize with a gentle but insistent hand towards the beauty that is there waiting to bloom.  He does not chop down the roses because they have thorns.  He has control and provides a stable environment for the flower to be everything it was meant to be.  (Maybe a Dom is a control freak with finesse.)

A wife beater is a gardener without skill, without love of his craft, without confidence, and he will likely kill what he hopes to grow.  His insecurity may well have him screaming "Mine! Mine! Mine!" as he destroys the entire garden.

From Mackenzie Cross
If I were to use the whole gardener analogy, I would say that the wife beater is indeed a gardener, or at least he was once upon a time.  In fact it is his most basic of natures to tend a garden. But he has forgotten and no longer knows how to properly tend a garden. How he has forgotten is another story, so I ask you to simply accept that he has forgotten. And this frustrates him terribly, for he can not be what he was intended to be, what his blood cries out for him to be. And this frustration is taken out on the garden, in many ways. He abuses his garden, because he has forgotten how to tend it.

When a scene works properly, the submissive enters a subspace, a place when she floats in a perfect moment.  She is enhanced.

When a female is abused, she is terribly reduced.

Pretty clear difference to me.

From Anonymous
Okay, I think I get it.  People all have their own tastes, though. I prefer women who are smart, strong, and self-confident. My wife is like that and I wouldn't trade her.

From Kyra
Anonymous, I appreciate your comment, but I would disagree if you think that the submissives in a BDSM relationship are anything but smart, strong, self-confident and competent women.  It takes a great deal of strength to submit to another person.  I do not speak for all, but your definition of a woman, which I certainly can relate to, can be found on both sides of the whip, so to speak.

From Anonymous Too
This can be a confusing issue, because 'our' kind of D/s is explicitly consensual.  On the other hand, what do you call it when a wife gets the living shit beaten out of her, but fights with the police when they come to take her husband away, and goes flying back to him at the first hint of feigned affection?

OK, 'stupid' is one answer, but I can't believe it's really that simple. Not when any cop will tell you that the implied contract between wife beater and beaten wife is the rule, not the exception.

Where's the dividing line between the Stockholm phenomenon and that mysterious bond that develops between Dom and sub? I'm not sure there is one.

(All this is just for the sake of discussion, by the way. I couldn't hit any woman, even at gunpoint. Nor would I have any interest in a woman who'd let me. It's just that an overwhelming fraction of het erotic literature is based on the male Dom stereotype. There has to be an underlying psychological drive behind it all.)

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