What is a Dom...
Lover or wife beater?

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From Rose
In my opinion D/s relationships, in most ways, are no different from any other relationships in which two people commit to each other on whatever level.  Friends, spouses, lovers, siblings, parents, children, colleagues... all the people in these relationships develop ways of interacting that are satisfactory to the parties concerned.  There is nothing mystical about reaching an agreement in a relationship.  All people have needs and desires and approached logically, these needs and desires can be interwoven into a relationship where both parties derive satisfaction from having their needs and desires fulfilled.

One cannot make a blanket statement that covers all relationships within a specific area.  I wouldn't presume to say that all D/s relationships are any one thing, or another, because I do not know about all D/s relationships, only the ones with which I am personally familiar.  To understand any relationship, research and complete data are required, before any conclusion can be reached.  And at that, one still only acquires specific knowledge about specific relationships. However, it is safe to say that basing a conclusion on incomplete data results in false assumptions.

From Remittance Girl
Any D/s that isn't explicitly consensual ISN'T D/s. Period.

From Kayla Kuffs
I used to counsel battered women and had to really take a step back and examine the difference between the two situations (seeing as I'm a sub and all). Let me give you a few reasons why women (and men as well) want to stay in violent relationships.

First off, fear: of reprisals for reporting from the spouse - i.e. escalating violence, of losing kids, home, family support, financial support, friends, job, social status, lifestyle.  There is also the belief that the victim is the one who caused the aggressor to become violent so then there is the guilt associated with all the consequences the aggressor must 'suffer' due to the victim's bad behavior.  The victim often time thinks "If I had only done this, or if I had only not done that, we wouldn't be in this situation.  It's all my fault.

I think the biggest difference between violent behavior in relationships and physical pain in D/s relationships is anger.  In violent relationships, pain is given in anger, it is not welcomed by the recipient, control is imposed, in D/s relationships, pain is given as pleasure or as a pathway to pleasure, control is welcomed and the manner in which it is all delivered is consensual and often times negotiated.

I am a female submissive; violence is not tolerated in my personal life. However, a spanking, a zap with a violet wand, a few well place needles (just the needle, no syringe attached) and I'm in gaga land.  I want certain types of pain given to me in certain circumstances, because when done right, it's fabulous.  But a punch in the nose is a punch in the nose in my world and the consequences are not going to be good for the dude that tries it.

I enjoy submitting my personal power to my dominant, it suits me.  The ebb and flow of power is the cornerstone of any romantic relationship I will ever have.  However, if the power exchange was to become abusive or detrimental to my physical or emotional health, I would like to think I could ignore the fear and guilt associated with battered women, and leave.  I have in the past, I expect I would be able to in the future.

Consensual power exchange should be beneficial to both parties, and it should satisfy the desires of each member of the exchange without crippling either party in the outside world.  How each individual relationship is crafted is as individual as fingerprints.

From Remittance Girl
Wife beaters are exactly the opposite of a strong man. Strong men don't have to beat their wives. Weak men beat their wives. God, have you ever met one? They're REALLY weak. REALLY insecure. They beat because it is the only way to feel like they're powerful.

And women who return to wife beaters most often return by saying "He needs me, he can't live without me. He doesn't mean to hurt me. He can't help himself." Does that sound like a strong man to you?

Battered women may return to a wife-beater, but it's out of PITY. Not because they consented to or enjoyed being hit.

Submissives don't PITY their doms. They don't stay with them because they feel sorry for them, or believe that the dom won't survive without them. Where is the trust or respect in that?

From Roxy Katt
I can only address this issue from my own experience, and don't know how much it applies to others.  My own masochistic tastes probably have some connection to the apparently non-sexual dimension of my psyche.  The very same kinds of peculiar humiliations I fantasize about (and to some extent have practiced consensually with others in the past) are exactly the sort of thing that would make me freak with pain and rage if they were done to me or anyone in a non-consensual context.

Now I don't think there is anything unusual about that.  Pretty well any decent human being would object to the nonconsensual bondage and forced sex of another person, whether or not they had fantasies of being such a victim in the context of consensual sex play.  But the things I most enjoy in fantasy are the things that most frighten and outrage me if done in a non-consensual way.  It is as if the fantasy is a way of disarming a phobia or something.  But that's all very uncertain.

From Christine
A Dom is part of a relationship where there is an understanding that some physical violence is interesting and desired by both parties. There are agreements made about what is acceptable and what is not. A Dom thinks not only of him/herself, but of the dynamics as a whole.

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