BDSM
How Much Pain are We Talking About?

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From Amber
How much pain? That depends on the person. I like hard spankings, whippings, hot wax, being scratched, cut, and caned. I've had bruises and welts. How much is too much? That also depends on the person. That's the reason for safe words.

And I can understand wanting to pass on the pain. There's pain and there's pain. When I stub a toe, that just sucks. When my mistress hurts me, it hurts in a good way. It's the frame of mind that makes it what it is. Hard to explain to others. Hope this helps!

From Lynne
Pain does nothing for me except hurt. But I am in this group to learn what shakes peoples' trees, so I can write better. I have no judgments to make. From a writer's point of view there are a couple of things - Pain doesn't kick in immediately. When you break a bone, it can be up to half an hour before the pain registers. I once cut my foot to the bone by treading on some glass in soft shoes, and didn't even notice for about twenty minutes, until I noticed the trail of blood. So you hurt worse later? And if you like pain so much that you're willing to inflict permanent and lasting damage on your body, isn't there some danger of infection? And what if someone goes too far. Isn't there a danger of being charged with assault?

From Jen
My boyfriend and I were discussing a bit in the car last night, and I pointed out how bad it would be if a person whipped/slapped/beat (but not in an abusive, non-consensual sense) their partner, said partner left or changed out of any BDSM attire, and later died (and I meant from an unrelated cause). While the "victim" might have signs in his/her home or otherwise of his/her BDSM practices, if s/he did not, it would be hard to prove when the dom lover tried to explain that they were into BDSM. My boyfriend said that's a reason not to practice it, but he's not "into" it, so he's not compelled to practice it. 

If you're turned on by something, more likely than not, you're going to engage in it. We need ways to make sure no innocent victims end up in jail. Of course, that's not to say that a person can't use the situation to get away with murder or false accusations, but that's another issue.

From Cervo
Dani's letter above is an excellent illustration to those who have no sense of emotional access to D/s or BDSM. I would add only that D/s carries with it a gift of control, especially in adult spanking. When you get spanked or give a spanking, you lend a brief interlude of control to a fleeting and fragile existence in a capricious and hazardous universe.

A spanking, like making love in any form, creates a tiny universe balanced by the polarity created between spanker and spanked, lover and loved. The controlling entity is not as obvious as he or she might appear. D/s between adults is not like being spanked as a child where you are dragged to the knee for punishment. At some point you have asked to be there.

Even if you are being disciplined for being "naughty", the attention is that much more exciting because it is inspired by erotic irritation/excitation. Flirting can earn a spanking because it can convey the need to feel surrounded by dominant protection. That is as delicate as any lover's quiet plea to be locked in an embrace. It changes only by degree.

A spanking can create a calming cocoon-like space that surrounds the one spanked and makes things clear and balanced for a time. That is not PC. We are not supposed to want to be surrounded, protected, guided, cherished and punished even when we ask for it. We are supposed to want to be "free" which means independent, isolated, competitive and driven. For many, that leads to anxiety and a feeling of emptiness.

Many people find a good, soundly delivered, even bossy, spanking relieves the anxiety that comes with physical depression. Hence the persistent image of the starched (but sexy) school teacher (male or female) who knows what's what and spanks accordingly. It thus clears the mind without drugs that distort other personality aspects. Of course the key here is that the Dominant is not a real petty tyrant, or a power-mad schoolteacher. They make themselves emotionally available to their submissive and enjoy themselves in the process.

None of this can be realized without the pain that the spanking naturally involves. A spanking is not a spanking if it is not painful. It is symbolic foreplay. That's fine, but it is not the same thing. So the question is, "What is erotic pain?" It is not a state of being but individual experiences on a continuum of sensation.

If you think of pain as a heightened form of sensation, you can then realize that it is no more alien than a flavor. It is partly a matter of taste. Some like Brussels sprouts. Others find them a sulphurous horror. The thing itself is not the point. It is the way we experience it that shapes our reaction.

Many people feel deprived all their lives of direct, definite, unambiguous, unabivalent contact with their families, friends, and lovers in a world where sensitivity earns far more approval than expressiveness. Pressing the limits of expression becomes a nuanced way of expanding a relationship that is organic and passionate.

Hence you will hear someone say, "Boy, I really got spanked tonight!" as if they regarded it as a treat. After the fact they very well may. In addition to Dani's observations about "My bottom is tougher than yours," it is a kind of pride. It is because their connection to the person who spanked them has been in some way, however painfully, expanded and refined. Besides, they will have "that" feeling when they sit down to remind them of the moment.

From Kayla Kuffs
I am not a pain slut by any stretch of the imagination. I am a big weenie. That being said, there are things I love to have done to me that others of the pain slut variety would go diving under beds to hide from. It seems to me that it is all about how one processes sensation.

I don’t like sharp pain. Things like slapping and spanking don’t work for me at all. I accept those things because a relationship flows both ways and my partner deserves as much enjoyment from what we do as I do. I have been fortunate in my partner choices. When dating sadists, their kink seems to come more from my reaction than the severity of the pain inflicted, so a spanking that most kids could manage reasonably well will have me screeching and kicking and yelping (also swearing and laughing and cursing), and will get my partner off just because of my reaction. Pain I dislike makes me laugh my fool head off or it makes me very angry. The wise dominant eases up if the anger gets too intense, the cruel one will keep me laughing until I can’t breathe anymore. What do I get from that? The knowledge that my partner is having a grand time.

Dull pain on the other hand is something I dearly love. Take a heavy flogger (a wooden handle with 20 to 40 or more suede tails) and whack my back with it. I can’t be hit too hard; nobody has been able to do it yet. I love a heavy, deep, teeth-chattering thud. Floggers can be made with other things besides suede (leather, rubber, ball chain, rope etc.) and each has a different sensation. As long as there is a heavy thud mixed in with the sting I’m a happy girl.

From my point of view, the thing that is different between our pain and the chronic pain that stems from a medical condition is that we get relief from it. For the submissive/masochist, the pain is short lived. When one has chronic pain, it’s there all the time; it is not given to you in an erotic or sensual moment. It is something you have to deal with all the time. I get migraines; I know the difference. Interesting enough, as my migraines usually stem from stress, if I can get a good flogging prior to the migraine taking hold, I can actually avoid it.

You may have heard of the term sub space. It is when the submissive’s body is awash with a chemical cocktail of endorphins, adrenalin and a few other hormones. This puts the sub into a mental state where they drift away mentally and can’t feel the pain any longer. It has been compared to a runner’s high. I have never made it to that place because my pain tolerance is so low that no dominant has yet been willing to ignore my tears to push me past that wall. As I am still learning about my own reactions to pain, it may be a while yet before I can convince somebody that is ok to keep going once the tears start.

Something that might interest you to know is that some submissives who live with chronic pain have found that by learning to deal with their BDSM inflicted pain, it has helped them learn to cope with their chronic pain by using similar techniques. I have one friend who has severe arthritis and Lupus. When she participates in breast torture (heavy duty torture I might add) it is the only time the rest of her body feels pain free as she so focused on what is happening to her breasts (and that chemical cocktail has taken over for her). It actually makes sex better for her because her chronic pain is eased for a little while after a heavy breast torture scene.

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