Married And Gazing

Is looking the same as cheating?

Author Stephen Arterburn, counselor and co-author of Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (WaterBrook Press) say "They've learned from experience that their sexual happiness and enjoyment radically improved when they consciously began avoiding being titillated sexually by anyone or anything other than their spouses."

They go on with: "What we are saying is to starve your eyes from those images. Don't look at that pretty girl next door. Don't look at sexy pictures in magazines. Bounce your eyes away from that. Then your wife will be more desirable then ever before. The intimacy level will be much higher. And you will feel much better about yourself."

The inference is that women are sexually attractive to their husbands only if he doesn't look at anything else that might warm his sensual senses. Huh? People never cease to amaze me in their endeavors to frustrate sexuality and twist a perfectly natural impulse to look at and admire attractive people.  

So my questions are: Do you enjoy looking at attractive men? How do you feel when your partner looks at attractive women?  Is looking the same as cheating, or does it add spice to your relationship?  —Adrienne

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From Jayne
I'm 23 years happily married but still enjoy the attentions of men other than my husband, still enjoy men flirting with me but - sex?  Probably not, even with hubby's OK.  The chase is always better than the prize and the excitement is having a man show his interest in me, watch him work, without any hint of encouragement from me of course. 

For his part, hubby enjoys seeing other men take an interest in me, makes him proud to have a 48 y/o wife who can still turn heads.  But I'd never cross that line, never fuck or suck another guy, concerned it will alter the dynamic of our marriage.  We have discussed swinging with other couples or single guys and it's something we'll do when we are a bit older, if we need to expand our sexual experiences, improve the lovemaking in our marriage.  Til then I enjoy the type of flirting that cannot be confused with inviting a man to bed, despite kinky hubby's desire to watch me fuck another guy, despite meeting some pretty attractive men I'd die to screw if single!

From Richard Black
It is only natural for both men and women to admire other people. Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean that you shouldn't look at the menu. To deny who you were before you got married is to conceal your identity. I can find something attractive in just about every women I pass on the street. The key is to practice self restraint. Flirting is healthy. As long as you don't touch the merchandise no trust is broken.

From Almost Crossed The Line
I'm guessing that the majority of people who would read a website such as this are probably non-religious. The "anything goes, as long as both partners are cool with it" school of thought has nothing to do with religious thinking or what God allegedly wants. If any of you were religious, then I would have seen by now some comment to the effect (which most of the religions teach) that gazing, i.e. the variety that means lusting over someone in your heart and mind is equivalent to cheating. In religious theory, intent determines infidelity, not sexual acts only. If you have lust for someone other than your spouse, then technically, according to whatever holy book you follow, you have already cheated.

I used to be religious, and even though I'm not anymore, nor am I any longer convinced there is a God at all, I still see some wisdom in the religious teachings on this subject. Probably more often than some modern people are willing to admit, gazing is not really that good a thing for many marriages or partnerships. As Maria McKee wrote in a song "well there ain't no harm in lookin'...but I look too close sometimes..."  Ha, ha.

But what I'm deriving from the posts here is that there are different types of sexual gazing, just as there are different kinds of people. What I'm concluding is that you have to know yourself, and what your limits are, so that when gazing at the beauty of another (who is not your significant other) you know how likely you are to be tempted and led astray by either thinking the grass may be greener in someone else's bed, or by how strongly you may or may not be tempted to stray by your own hormonal reaction to someone else. But I add as well, you may think you know yourself well, but you never know completely when temptation just might finally break your self-control door down. How cheating proof are you, really?

I've been married over 20 years. I love my husband, but our sex life isn't that good. I've always been a fan of men, and I lust over specific men I can't have quite frequently. My husband is terribly jealous, so I can't let him know at all that other men even exist, never mind that I look at them. Maybe it's a combination of my lusty, yearning personality and the absolutely forbidden fruit (in my marriage) quality of fantasizing about other men, but that's a potent combination for combustible temptation.

For somebody like me, looking is probably not a good idea. I've had some seriously intense sexual crushes over the years for some men, and I've spent a lot of my time agonizing over it behind the scenes of my life, wanting so badly to fuck these guys. Amazingly enough, technically speaking, I've somehow remained "faithful"- physically, anyways. Nothing less would be tolerated by my husband.

Meanwhile, I wasn't fortunate enough to be in the kind of marriage that I keep reading about here where the husbands encourage total sexual openness and honesty and they've even jettisoned the jealousy factor with regards to their wives. Sometimes, I have a hard time believing these tales. I'm like, are you serious? Are there reeeealllllly THAT many husbands around that let their wives fuck other guys? Really?? Some of these stories HAVE to be bullshit, right? Are these tales just propaganda written by horny wives that are trying to infect the male population with more sexual acceptance than I've ever seen actually existing in real life?

Well, keep it up, girls - I hope it works. But the day my husband gives me the go ahead not only to gaze happily, but to fuck other guys - well, then I'll know hell finally froze over. Or this website has taken over the world and reprogrammed everybody to be sexually happy and compatible.

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