Married And Gazing
Is Looking The Same As Cheating?

Author Stephen Arterburn, counselor and co-author of Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (WaterBrook Press) say "They've learned from experience that their sexual happiness and enjoyment radically improved when they consciously began avoiding being titillated sexually by anyone or anything other than their spouses."

They go on with: "What we are saying is to starve your eyes from those images. Don't look at that pretty girl next door. Don't look at sexy pictures in magazines. Bounce your eyes away from that. Then your wife will be more desirable then ever before. The intimacy level will be much higher. And you will feel much better about yourself."

The inference is that women are sexually attractive to their husbands only if he doesn't look at anything else that might warm his sensual senses. Huh? People never cease to amaze me in their endeavors to frustrate sexuality and twist a perfectly natural impulse to look at and admire attractive people.  

So my questions are: Do you enjoy looking at attractive men? How do you feel when your partner looks at attractive women?  Is looking the same as cheating, or does it add spice to your relationship?  —Adrienne

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From Alan and Diane
Just read from Us over here and would like to comment on our experience.  We're in our 50's, also live in the UK and go to a new very well equipped gym each Saturday and Sunday morning for an hour's workout followed by a laze in the Jacuzzi.  There we learnt about the '11 o'clock club' where at 11 at night the Jacuzzi becomes a place where couples interested in swapping meet up. 

More for married and gazing type amusement than a serious look to join a group of swingers, we went one Saturday evening and enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.  The Jacuzzi rule was no clothes so we both had a very interesting introduction to husbands with erect or semi erect penises and wives with pert boobs through to boobs as sacks. We discovered that if a couple wanted to swap and couldn't wait to dress and go elsewhere one of the saunas was the place for sex. We didn't swap but did go back for further married and gazing at other couples, eventually swapping with a young sexy couple during our fourth visit, enjoying the experience, later linking up with their friends, other couples, at two swingers parties.

From Sammy
We are mid-aged, married for longer than we care to remember but still have our looks and an interest in sex. Also for as long as I can remember, I have fantasied about my wife being fucked by other men. It's a fantasy she also enjoys during our lovemaking, heightening our responses by getting me to list what this fantasy guy would be doing to her. 'So if I went to a party and got fucked by another guy you wouldn't mind?' My response is always the same - no probs, just make sure I'm there to watch him.

The reality is that, at parties, we will both circulate, meet new people, chat, perhaps dance but my wife will always be careful not to create the impression she is 'up for a fuck' unless she means it. For her part she tells me she could never pick another guy up at a party I was also at, maybe if she was on her own.

Would I worry if she ever got fucked? Probably not if I could participate or she immediately returned to me, hot for sex, allowing me to leave my seed inside her, over the other guy's. But that brings me back to my fantasy and my wife can't take it or me seriously.

From Kathy
My husband and I might be very different but we don't have any problems about interest shown in us by others. We've been married for over 25 years (we're both in our late forties) and I guess we're both from the 'meaningless fuck' school, if we like the idea of opportunistic sex with someone then our understanding is 'do it!' That doesn't shatter the very firm foundations on which our marriage is based. We love each other and are sensible enough to know there is nothing to be gained by breaking the marriage up for some immature 'grass is greener' scenario.

We enjoy sex (hubby is athletic, a great fuck and has a cock to die for and one I wouldn't give up in a hundred years!) and I guess our heads would be in a different place if we were off sex, and we both know that our mutual hubby-wife sexual enjoyment just might be enhanced by the occasional (condom protected) extra marital fuck I might experience with a stranger or one of my co-workers. So, yes, happily married but very happily gazing too - but with both feet firmly on the ground!

From Us over here
My husband and I have been married for 19 years and over the last couple of years have started to openly look at other people in a very sexual way - the other people we are looking at are all women and my beautiful wife is now experiencing her bi-sexuality.  We spend time alone looking at other women and making references to their breasts and bonnets. 

We both are members of a very nice gym here in the UK and we spend many hours lazing around in the pool and Jacuzzi area 'people watching'.  My wife then spends many hours going into every last detail of their bodies from the changing rooms and showers - she describes their breast shape, nipple shape and colour, how long or short their bonnets are, and their arse shape.  We spend many long hours making love discussing what we would do with them if they decided to come and join us. 

We have even discussed the option of going away and finding a lady of the night who we can use in our fantasy - anyone have any ideas how we can go about getting one?

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From Gigi
Thanks for responding Ravenwoman. It helps to hear someone else's experience, esp. so thoughtfully written. [see Ravenwoman's entry on page 3]

I agree, despite myself, there are some subtle, primal but perfectly perceivable clues that men must pick up on and HAVE picked up on with me. So far, I have fended them off but feel horrible about all the mixed messages I must be sending.

I'm still trying to work it out with hubby. I haven't sought anything outside of the marriage, though it is still a battle to keep this semi-serious gazing contained. But, no cheating.

Still, this more complicated level of gazing is is very like cheating in that the affect seems so long lasting.

Great forum.

From Paul
Does there come a point of time in a relationship when either partner really begins to regards it as ok for the other to openly express admiration for other members of the opposite sex? Do some wives, for example, buy as gifts for their husbands such things as videos or posters/calendars of his favourite female pop artist or pin-up model?

From Richard Black
It is only natural for both men and women to admire other people. Just because you're on a diet doesn't mean that you shouldn't look at the menu. To deny who you were before you got married is to conceal your identity. I can find something attractive in just about every women I pass on the street. The key is to practice self restraint. Flirting is healthy. As long as you don't touch the merchandise no trust is broken.

From Vinayak
Married and gazing is not an abnormal phenomena. We are always required to remain ever alert in this world. If your find something attractive, no wonder you stare there for a while. If you see a donkey and a woman on the road, you cannot b expected to look at the donkey. Problem occurs only when you're "involved" in that person, do something harmful to your relationship, be unfaithful to your partner, etc. If the partners trust each other none of them ever bothers about the other gazing elsewhere. I appreciate the website for offering platform for expression.

From Baba Khan
Hi all, I am a married man with two kids. I love to watch women on cam particularly if they remove one by one cloths in front of me. In fact I don't know about it one day it happened by chance, that make me attractive to watch and surfing many new women to watch them without any age limit and shapes.

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