Introducing Sex Toys into Your Relationship
By Ross of Babeland

Perhaps since you met your current partner, you’ve been considering a three-way with your Hitachi Magic Wand. Or maybe you’ve met the one with whom you want to share your deepest sexual fantasy—being taken from behind with a strap-on. Of course, we know how much fun they can be, but for the uninitiated, sex toys can sometimes stir up issues of fear, shame, insecurity, or just plain ol’ ignorance. That’s why you should discuss it with your partner before you whip out the Kookie Cuffs and Tweezer Clamps.  

Let’s say that you are the proud owner of a six-year-old silicone butt plug that has seen you through your past few romantic entanglements as well as the lean times in between. You’ve been with your current partner for a while now, long enough to want him/her to plug you in and turn you on—so to speak. Here are some ways you can broach the topic of adding your plug to the mix with your sweetie.

Ways to Introduce the Subject of Sex Toys

Point Blank. When the time is right (meaning, perhaps when you’re making out, and not when you are having a lunch date with the in-laws), simply come right out and say it. “I own a butt plug and thought it would be fun to use it the next time we make love.”  Show it to him. Put the plug in his hands so he can complete the mental image of working it into your ass while you moan with delight. If you’re eager to get your girlfriend interested in vibrators, go for a discreet beginner’s vibe so as not to overwhelm her, try the Blueberry Buzz (great for baths) or the Laya Spot.

Wine and dine her. Even though alcohol doesn’t make sex better, it can sometimes make talking about sex a little easier. Create a romantic setting in a comfortable place, like your living room, put some sexy music on low volume, and set out some wine and a nice cheese plate or some fruit—whatever works. Once the mood sets in, steer the conversation towards sexual fantasies. Seductively talk about your fantasy involving the butt plug. Be sure to make her—and not the toy—the star of your scenario.

Seeing is believing. A picture says a thousand words, so you could choose to let a porn movie do the talking for you. Find an adult movie that contains a scene that features your toy of choice. When the movie is over, ask him what his favorite scene was. Then say something like, “I loved that scene with the butt plug. That was hot!” If he seems game, then ask him a few questions—like “Have you ever used a butt plug before?” and “Would you like to try using a butt plug on me?” Some great films for sex toy demos are Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Anal Sex (butt toys), Bend Over Boyfriend (strap on butt play), Hard Love and How to Fuck in High Heels (strap on pussy play), Black Glove/Elegant Spanking (BDSM), and Celebrating Orgasm (vibrators).

If they respond enthusiastically, saying something like, “I love sex toys,” or “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” then it’s your lucky day. Off to the bedroom, you two! However, if they respond, “I don’t know,” “I’m not sure”, you’ll need to keep asking questions, so read on.

Common Concerns about Playing with Sex Toys

First, find out if your partner has had any experience with sex toys, and whether or not those experiences were positive or negative. Here are some common concerns your partner may express about sex toys:

“Am I not enough?”  Sometimes people see using sex toys as an act of desperation or sexual frustration, so they interpret your desire as a slam on their prowess. Assure them that you’re after exploration, not satisfaction. Offer to use the toy on them first, or even let them try it out alone. The key is to keep both their confidence and comfort level high.

“Uh, that sounds too kinky for me.” For someone with no personal experience from which to draw, their perception of sex toys may come only from what they’ve seen in movies, where the typical sex toy user is either the butt of a joke or a sadistic killer. The good news is that there are now plenty of daytime talk shows and popular magazines that not only discuss but also endorse the use of sex toys. Women’s Health just devoted an entire page to the charms of the Rabbit Habit! Use these resources, as well as any number of sex-positive, sex toy how to’s like Babeland’s, to quell these anxieties.

“I once had a bad experience.” If the toy in question stirs up issues of sexual abuse or other emotional trauma, then their need for comfort, trust, and understanding supercede your need for adventure. Perhaps the two of you can find a compromise that you both can enjoy, but don’t push the issue. Try reading the book Healing Sex together. If they say “no”, respect their feelings and let it go.

“Sex toys threaten my manhood.” Ok, so he might not come right out and say that, but men tend to be more reluctant than women to try sex toys (studies show that nearly half of all American women own a vibrator, yet similar surveys of men have difficult to draw conclusive results because men are reluctant to discuss the issue). Most likely, this is the product of the ingrained notion that men should be able to satisfy women using only their penises. Plus, our homophobic culture teaches that anal sex is synonymous with homosexuality, so many men are wired to automatically reject things like strap-on sex or prostate stimulation.

So one strategy is to go for the low hanging fruit (go ahead and enjoy the pun)—a cock ring. Big surprise that the best selling sex toy for men is the cock ring. A harder, thicker cock—what guy wouldn’t want to have that?  (A quick tour of the spam filling up your inbox should answer that!) Odds are he’ll like the looks of his cock when it’s super-engorged. You can even suggest a vibrating cock ring like the Sonic Ring Vibe, which is designed to get you off too (there’s an attached vibrating bullet that hits the clit during intercourse). Once he discovers how much fun sex toys can bring to your sex life, it’s just a matter of time before he graduates to the Rude boy butt plug, or a Maverick penis sleeve for some sideline masturbation.

Of course, once you and your partner have decided to give sex toys a spin, going shopping together for your first one can make for a fun and sexy date night. Peruse the virtual shelves of your favorite online sex shop and show each other the toys that arouse your interest. Find the one you like, and then ask your partner to imagine him or her using it on you. Or try one you can use together, like the We Vibe, the first and only internal vibrator designed to be worn during intercourse.

Have fun. After all, that’s why they’re called “toys”!

Ross is a freelance writer for Babeland.com, a sex toy shop with a web site and retail stores.

© 2008 Babeland. All rights reserved.

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