Sexual Rehabilitation – #frustration #violence #flasher

by | May 21, 2018 | General | 5 comments

By Lisabet Sarai

How many acts of everyday violence are triggered by sexual frustration?

Or, looking at things slightly differently, how many serial killers, mass murderers and terrorists do you think have healthy, fulfilling sex lives?

There have been many studies linking male feelings of sexual rejection to violence. Sometimes the perpetrators openly complain how woman haven’t given them the attention they deserve. Alek Minassian, the man who ran down dozens of pedestrians, mostly women, in Toronto last month, raged against the women who had made him “Incel” (involuntarily celibate) and vowed to take down the “Chads and Stacys” – online term for people with active sex lives. In 2014, Elliot Rodger killed seven people, explicitly to punish women who had rejected him and men who were sexually active. In 1989, Marc Lepine murdered fourteen women and wounded ten more, claiming that feminism had ruined his life.

You might object that severe psychological problems were at the root of these crimes, that the difficulty these men apparently had in connecting with the opposite sex was the consequence of their poor psychological adjustment, rather than the other way around.

Look around you, though—listen to the way some men talk—and you will realize that a significant proportion of the normal male population is sexually unsatisfied, and angry as a result. This anger might not express itself in atrocities, but it definitely contributes to domestic violence. Men blame women for teasing them, then “not putting out”. They may feel it’s their right to rape a woman whom they perceive as open to sex, but who does not give them the satisfaction they “deserve”. Married men all too often view their wives as the enemy whom they must trick or bribe into having sex. They may justify extra-marital affairs based on the fact that their wives are “frigid”.

Male status is (still) very strongly linked to sexual success (at least in the minds of many men). Thus, not only do men who don’t have regular, enjoyable sex feel physically frustrated, they also experience a sense of inadequacy, especially in our media-saturated culture where they’re confronted every day by celebrity studs.

Please understand that I’m not blaming all this on the men. I believe that the generally poor level of sexual satisfaction experienced by all too many people, both women and men, is a product of how our society understands, presents, reacts to, and educates people about sex.

First of all, sex is still shrouded in shame. Talking and writing about it is not socially acceptable. The whole topic is understood to be fundamentally impolite, nasty, dirty, even evil. Look at Amazon’s attitude toward erotica. Sure, it sells, but you better keep it under wraps if you don’t want to get censured—or censored. Being open about sex still makes people uncomfortable.

Second, our culture often portrays sex is something you “get”—like money, or a degree, or a new car— not something you experience. “Did you get any last weekend?” is a common Monday morning greeting from one guy to another. This perspective tends to focus attention on quantity, rather than quality. Furthermore, it reinforces a view of sex as mostly physical, rather than embedding it in the context of emotional connections or relationships

Third, we’re led to believe that there’s a limited amount of sex to go around, so you’re always in competition. This attitude is prevalent in both men and women. If my husband’s having sex with his administrative assistant, he won’t have any left for me. This notion of sex as a limited resource fosters jealousy and encourages deceit. This is one explanation for why swingers seem to have happier marriages than the average straight couple.

For women, there are additional complications: the possibility of pregnancy, the realistic fear of physical abuse, and perhaps most serious of all, the fear of being labeled as a slut. As archaic as it seems in the twenty first century, sexually active and open women are still viewed in a negative light. Being a stud enhances a man’s reputation; equivalent behavior in a woman can destroy her credibility, threaten her social status, even cost her her job. (I know one erotic romance author who was fired and had to move to a new town when someone outed her.) Even when a woman genuinely craves sexual connection, it’s hard to work up the courage to say yes.

So what’s the solution? Obviously even if everyone agreed with me, we can’t remake society overnight. It’s clear from my personal experience, though, that education is key. Early experiences in the family strongly influence later sexual satisfaction.

I was fortunate to have parents who were pretty comfortable with sex. I never got the message that sex was dirty or wrong. My mom explained the nuts and bolts to me when I was a pre-teen, including the basics of contraception. She didn’t tell me to stay a virgin until I married—in fact, there was never any pressure to suggest that I was expected to get married—but she warned me to be careful, that I’d have a strong emotional connection to my first lover.

As a result (at least, I see a cause and effect relationship), I think I’ve experienced more sexual satisfaction than many women. Furthermore, I’ve seen the reactions of men to my sexual openness. So many lovers have complained about how hard it was to get women to have sex with them. They’ve been surprised and delighted by my eagerness for erotic connection.

If we want to bring up sexually fulfilled adults, we have to start when they’re kids.

But what about today’s men and women, suffering from isolation and frustration, blaming each other for their unhappiness? Could we somehow create an environment where they could learn to let go of some of the negative attitudes they have, not to mention the preconceptions about the other’s desires? Is sexual rehabilitation possible? Or are these people doomed to live out their lives without the blessing of great sex?

Violence and terrorism have become so common. In a way, it’s not surprising. Just imagine you’re a young man who believes in conservative Islam. How frustrating that must be! The women around you are covered and veiled. You can’t even admire their beauty from afar. You’re so desperate you’re willing to give up your life to experience sexual satisfaction in Paradise!

Here’s a flasher on the topic, to end this post on what I hope is a lighter note.

We Were Promised Virgins
By Lisabet Sarai

“By the Prophet, you are beautiful!”

“I’m Miriam. I’ve been assigned to your case.”

“Lie down, woman. I will take you now, before the others arrive.”

“No, no, Abdul—you mustn’t rush! Let’s begin with your licking me between my legs.”

“What? How degrading! No man would lower himself to such an act.”

“If you use your mouth on me, I’ll do the same for you. I see you need relief.”

“I’ll find relief in your virgin cunt!”

“Abdul? Will you eat me out or should I leave?”

“Don’t—alright… Mmm! You’re sweet as ripe pomegranate. Oh! I never…”

“Oh! Oh, yes! Oh, Abdul, YES!”

“Are you well, Miriam?”

“Very! Excellent job! Now you…”

“Allah preserve me! What a wicked mouth! I can’t hold back…”

“No need to.”

“No virgin would use such tricks!”

“I never said I was a virgin.”

“But we were promised virgins in heaven.”

“The bomb didn’t kill you. You’re being rehabilitated.”

“This isn’t heaven?”

“You’ve been transferred to the School for Healthy Attitude Generation – S.H.A.G.”

“I’m alive?”

“Very much so. Mmm. Tasty cum!”


“No, I’m a volunteer. When you recover, we’ll fuck. Meanwhile, I have to work with the pussy grabber in the next room.”

Lisabet Sarai

Sex and writing. I think I've always been fascinated by both. Freud was right. I definitely remember feelings that I now recognize as sexual, long before I reached puberty. I was horny before I knew what that meant. My teens and twenties I spent in a hormone-induced haze, perpetually "in love" with someone (sometimes more than one someone). I still recall the moment of enlightenment, in high school, when I realized that I could say "yes" to sexual exploration, even though society told me to say no. Despite being a shy egghead with world-class myopia who thought she was fat, I had managed to accumulate a pretty wide range of sexual experience by the time I got married. And I'm happy to report that, thanks to my husband's open mind and naughty imagination, my sexual adventures didn't end at that point! Meanwhile, I was born writing. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, though according to family apocrypha, I was talking at six months. Certainly, I started writing as soon as I learned how to form the letters. I penned my first poem when I was seven. While I was in elementary school I wrote more poetry, stories, at least two plays (one about the Beatles and one about the Goldwater-Johnson presidential contest, believe it or not), and a survival manual for Martians (really). I continued to write my way through high school, college, and grad school, mostly angst-ridden poems about love and desire, although I also remember working on a ghost story/romance novel (wish I could find that now). I've written song lyrics, meeting minutes, marketing copy, software manuals, research reports, a cookbook, a self-help book, and a five hundred page dissertation. For years, I wrote erotic stories and kinky fantasies for myself and for lovers' entertainment. I never considered trying to publish my work until I picked up a copy of Portia da Costa's Black Lace classic Gemini Heat while sojourning in Istanbul. My first reaction was "Wow!". It was possibly the most arousing thing I'd ever read, intelligent, articulate, diverse and wonderfully transgressive. My second reaction was, "I'll bet I could write a book like that." I wrote the first three chapters of Raw Silk and submitted a proposal to Black Lace, almost on a lark. I was astonished when they accepted it. The book was published in April 1999, and all at once, I was an official erotic author. A lot has changed since my Black Lace days. But I still get a thrill from writing erotica. It's a never-ending challenge, trying to capture the emotional complexities of a sexual encounter. I'm far less interested in what happens to my characters' bodies than in what goes on in their heads.


  1. Larry archer

    As a guy, I’ll be the first to admit that many of my species should not be allowed to procreate. As a general rule, most guys should be replaced with a turkey baster. I never made the connection between violence and sex, or lack thereof but I think you’re right.

    While I’ve never done a scientific survey it seems that a majority of the people who do things like shoot up a school or club are described as religious, often deeply religious. It’s just like politicians, the far right seems to have more than it’s share of nut jobs. Like the anti-abortion congressman who told his girlfriend to get an abortion when he got her knocked up. Funny how attitudes change when it’s your ass in the barrel.

    The comment about swingers having happier sex lives and marriages is certainly true from our experience. I can count on one hand the number of swingers we know who’ve gotten divorced. Plus we don’t cheat on our husbands or wives, maybe because there is no need to.

    Another thought-provoking post, Lisabet.

  2. Lisabet Sarai

    Thanks, Larry!

    I don’t think that flinging blame around is nearly as useful as trying to change the way our society sees sex. Most guys just want to have fun, just like most girls. It really does not need to be as complicated as society has made it.

  3. Fiona McGier

    Like you, Lisabet, I was raised by a mom who taught me that sex was natural and enjoyable. She did, however, tell me I was supposed to wait until I was married. Then she and her sisters would bitch in front of little me, about how they wished they’d “shopped around” before they got married…for whatever reasons. So when I was a teenager in the ’70s, I was raring to go!

    And like you, men were always surprised at how eager I was. Of course, I got called all kinds of names, mostly by women who found my behavior too slutty, and men that I rejected, for whatever reasons. See, the way I saw it, feminism means the freedom to say “No” as well as the freedom to say “Yes.” That’s what the incels don’t understand. They want to take away the agency of women, and force all women to “give out” to them, just because. That kind of entitlement is damn near impossible to argue with.

    White men are super-pissed in the US, since they are no longer “default.” Years ago, if there was one job, and many applicants, everyone knew if a white man applied, he’d get the job. Now they have to compete on an even playing field, and find that many times the woman, or the person of color, or the foreigner, will be better qualified and will get the job. They’re upset about that, since most think they shouldn’t need to have skills…the color of their dick should be their “gold ticket.” No longer. And they have the nerve to call others “Snowflakes.” The epitome of hypocrisy!

    Re: your short: I LOVE the SHAG idea! If only there were a place like that! Religion has a lot to answer for, in all of its manifestations. How the hell can something so essential to life, so basic, so God-given if you will, be perverted and controlled? What’s the point? If everyone just shagged whomever they wanted to, whenever, without guilt, what a wonderful, happy and healthy world we could like in!

    • Lisabet Sarai

      Hi, Fiona,

      Actually, I was thinking about you when I wrote this, because you’ve written before about guys’ reactions to your sexual openness, and your experiences seem very similar to mine.

      Unfortunately, changing adult attitudes is *really* difficult.

  4. meno silencio

    Humans are social animals, so I don’t doubt that a lot of violence is caused by sexual frustration… Very interesting take on the whole thing Lisabet, thanks for sharing!! : D


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