by Ashley Lister

Before I start, I just want to say that I hope everyone reading this is well and managing to stay safe and unaffected by the current pandemic and the measures that are being used to address the pandemic.

Like so many people around the world, I’m currently working from home. This has allowed me to do some things that I would previously never have thought possible. I’ve delivered seminars with a dog sitting on my lap (so I look like some sort of Bond villain). I’ve managed to eat a full packet of biscuits whilst I’ve been in a conference, and I’ve not had to share them with anyone. And, so far during this quarantine, I don’t think I’ve bothered wearing pants whilst I’ve been at work.

In some ways, this is the life I always wanted to live.

One of the other things I’ve been able to do is take a close look at emails and work out the subtext beneath some of the common phrases that I see on an hourly basis. I’ve compiled a handy list that should help you to understand what’s really being said in the coy and euphemistic world of office interactions.

These are the things people write or say, followed by the translations:

I’m a little confused… WTAF are you talking about…?
Did you get a chance to look at…? Why haven’t you replied yet, you slow-moving waste of semen?
As was mentioned when we spoke face to face… I told you this in person. I had thought the glassiness in your eyes was a symptom of your inbreeding and not an indicator that you have the attention span of a goldfish.
Sent on behalf of… Don’t blame me for this shit.
Sorry this is late… I missed your stupid deadline. Fuck you. The crap you wanted is attached.
The forms are available on the following link… If you’d stayed awake during the induction meeting, you’d know how to access these forms without troubling me.
I hope this helps. That’s all the assistance you’re getting from me. Stop pestering me with your crap.

As I’m sure we all appreciate, this is not an exhaustive list. If you have any favourite phrases and their translations that you care to share, I’d love to see them in the comments box below.
Ash