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poetry

Old People Sex

by | May 6, 2020 | | 7 Comments

by Ashley Lister 


I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going a little stir-crazy with all this lockdown/quarantine stuff. Obviously, I’m being a good and dutiful citizen, working from home (where I deliver online lectures) and practising social distancing on the rare occasions when I have to step outside.

The executor gave me a big, dusty box
Whilst I was still trying to mourn
When I looked inside,
my smile grew so wide:
Because I’d inherited all Grandpa’s porn

But it’s such an unusual situation. And, because I pride myself on being relatively productive, I’ve been going into overdrive publishing titles (where the rights have reverted to me) and even going so far as to publish a collection of my personal highly offensive poetry.

Now Grandpa’d lived a long full life
He’d loved his kids. He’d loved his wife.
He loved his beer. And he loved his fags
But his biggest love was his titty mags.

I’ve been writing poetry for more than a decade now and it’s slowly been getting more and more offensive. I suppose part of the challenge is pushing myself to the limit and seeing how much I dare say to an audience when I’m on a microphone. I know this has resulted in upsetting one or two audience members, but it’s also resulted in making several other audience members laugh with all the gusto that leaves a person breathless and satisfied.


And I sorted slowly through the dog-eared pages
A collection so vast it must have drained his wages
And I looked at all the women in their seventies glam
And I stared in wide-eyed wonder at each very bearded clam.

And so, it was relatively easy to put the collection together. I keep each of my poems stored on a cloud and I simply dumped them into a MS Word document, and then uploaded the document to Amazon Kindle. Because I was doing this over a period of a week I had a chance to read through each of the poems and decide whether or not it deserved its place in the final collection. Some of them no longer amused me and so they were ignored. Some of them, the ones that earned a place in the book, had me chuckling as I tidied up formatting and spelling prior to publication.

I saw a vadge so hirsute
It looked like an adult malamute
And another looked just like some big Maine Coone cat
There was one that looked weird
Like Chewbacca’s beard
And another that looked like Trump’s wig on her twat


Even though this is a link to that book, this blog post is not intended as a sales pitch. This blog post is simply my way of saying, I’m going stir crazy here, and this is how I’m coping. What are you guys doing to stop yourself from going all ‘Yellow Wallpaper’? Replies in the comments box below, please.




Writing Exercise – Triplets

by | November 6, 2017 | , | 3 Comments

By Ashley Lister

I’d never say anything graphic
And I don’t want to be pornographic
But does your bum only do one way traffic?

As I’ve mentioned before, poetic triplets excite me. The idea of putting three rhymed lines of poetry together always strikes me as innovative. Couplets are good for a rhyme scheme. They provide a solid structure. But, to my mind, triplets increase the speed and allow for a bigger build to the conclusion of a stanza.

See I’d love to get into your drawers
And I’m sharing this honestly because
I like entering through exit doors.

Technically, I know, ‘drawers’, ‘because’ and ‘doors’ don’t rhyme. There are subtle variations in the vowel sounds and, although I can perform this one and make ‘drawers’ and ‘because’ sound like exact rhymes, this is only because I force the pronunciation.

I’m not so vulgar that I’ll mention pooh
I’m a gentleman, as I’m sure you knew
So, please let me push a stool in for you.

Your reputation will not be besmudged
Cos I’m sure you’re not going to begrudge
Me – the chance, to help you pack some fudge.

As always, I look forward to seeing your poems in the comments box below.

Ashley Lister

Writing Exercise – The Fibonacci

by | October 6, 2017 | , | 0 Comments

By Ashley Lister

Lucky Number

One
Two
You count
Each brisk slap
Upon your bare ass
Groaning when you get to seven

The Fibonacci poem is an experimental Western poetry form, having similarities to haiku, but based on the Fibonacci sequence.

1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21…

A typical Fibonacci poem is six lines in length, although it can be longer.

As I’ve said before, these short, simple forms are an excellent warm-up routine for writers because it works on so many levels. Not only is it a fun activity for the start of the writing day, it’s also a way to prompt different parts of our brains to consider the words we will use. Ordinarily, we don’t limit the lines of what we write to specific syllable counts. This approach can help us consider words in a way that differs from what we consider the norm.

Your Smile

Wrists:
bound.
Ankles:
tied and spread.
Ball-gag: secure.
And yet I still see your broad smile.

As always, I look forward to reading your poetry in the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – The Kyrielle

by | August 6, 2017 | | 0 Comments

 by Ashley Lister

I’ve courted you for eons now
And still we have not done the deed
Without trying to be highbrow
I think you know just what I need

 

I’ve probably mentioned the French form of the kyrielle before, but it’s one of my favourites, so I’m coming back to it here.  Typically, the kyrielle is a four-line stanza form that has a refrain in the fourth line. It’s customary for the kyrielle to contain eight syllables per line, although this doesn’t have to be presented in a specific structure, such as iambic tetrameter.  There is no prescribed limit to the number of stanzas but three is the minimum.

 

We’ve both held hands on moonlit nights
And you have heard me beg and plead
To have a chance at your delights
I think you know just what I need

 

The rhyme scheme for the kyrielle can either follow an aabB pattern, or an abaB. Because this is poetry, other variations on this rhyme scheme will always be possible.

 

So here we are, together now
And from our clothes we’ve both been freed
You are the field and I’m the plough
I think you know just what I need

 

As always, I look forward to seeing your poetry in the comments box below.

 

 

Writing Exercise – Hávamál

by | July 6, 2017 | | 0 Comments

by Ashley Lister

It’s hard to believe that it’s been five years since I mentioned the Hávamál on this blog.  The Hávamál is a Viking poem, but it is often called a book of wisdom. Written somewhere around AD 700-900, the Hávamál is one of the more well-known Eddaic poems and, amongst other things, it contains nuggets of universal wisdom that still apply today, more than a millennia after these words were first written.

Here is an example from the Hávamál:

A man needs warmth,
the warmth of fire
and of the shining sun.
A healthy man
is a happy man
who’s neither ill nor injured.

A typical Hávamál stanza usually contains six lines or two units of three lines each. The first two lines in each unit are tied together by alliteration, and the third is also decorated with alliteration. For those who’ve forgotten: alliteration is the repetition of similar sounds, usually the sounds of initial consonants, as illustrated below:

Better a humble
house than none.
A man is master at home.
A pair of goats
and a patched roof
are better than begging.

It’s also possible to look at the stresses used in the Hávamál but, for the purposes of this exercise, I’d prefer to see writers focusing on words of wisdom and the use of alliteration.

And that’s this month’s exercise from me: produce a six line poem in the style of the Hávamál, sharing words of erotic wisdom in the comments box below. Remember to keep a tie of alliteration between lines one and two (and four and five), and to ensure that there is some alliteration across lines three and six. This is my attempt:

Naked flesh
flavoured with sweat
can easily excite.
And it aint just
an appetite for
savoury tastes that it satisfies.

Have fun with this and I look forward to reading your words of wisdom.

Writing Exercise – Triplets and Couplets

by | February 6, 2017 | | 2 Comments

 By Ashley Lister

I’ve mentioned triplets before.  The idea of putting three lines of poetry
together always excites me. Couplets are good for a rhyme scheme. They provide
a solid structure. But, to my mind, triplets increase the speed and seem to
allow a bigger build-up to the punchline of the poem.

Some lasses think that thongs are boss
But that opinion makes me cross
‘Cos a thong’s just fanny-dental-floss


And whilst some say the style is quaint
I would say it really ain’t
Cos a thong’s like cheese-wire on the taint


So what I’d say to every chick is
Treat yourself to some big knickers.

With this poem, I thought it might have a greater impact if
I mixed couplets with triplets. The title of the poem is ‘Big Knickers’ and the
focus is on the persona of the poem appreciating a fuller brief. Consequently,
to stress the importance of this sentiment, I thought the sedate couplet would
allow for the pace to slow down for the delivery of those two lines.

You see, when she’s ready to hit the sack
The kinkiest nymphomaniac
Does not want string across her crack


Thongs are cruel. Thongs can sting.
Thongs can be a dangerous thing.
They’re like barbed wire on the ring


Yes, whale-tails can raise most bloke’s smiles
But sit on this and think awhile
Thongs can aggravate your piles


To stop yourself from getting sick as
a cystitis parrot – wear big knickers

The poem goes on, but I’m going to cut it off there and say,
if you want to share a poem made up of a mixture of triplets and couplets, please
post them in the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – Christmas Poetry

by | December 6, 2016 | | 7 Comments

 by Ashley Lister 

 ‘Twas the night before
Christmas

And all through the
house

My partner was laughing

‘Cause I’m hung like a
mouse

She was wearing black
stockings

And wielding a birch

And I quietly suspected

We weren’t going to
church

As the holiday season approaches, I thought
it might be fun to try something festive. As there’s no traditional poetic form
associated with Christmas, I figured it would be appropriate to pick a
Christmas poem and use that form.

Obviously, the first poem that came to mind
was ‘The Night Before Christmas’ (‘A Visit from St Nicholas’ by Clement Clarke
Moore). However, because I have always perceived this form as four line verses,
with an x-a-x-a rhyme scheme and variant syllable count, I figured that wouldn’t
be a sufficient challenge for the regular readers of this blog[1].

A couple of other Christmassy ditties came
to mind but it was only when I was contemplating the lyrics, I realized they
were songs. Frosty the Snowman at
first, then Rudolph the Red Nosed
Reindeer. I was about to dismiss this form as being traditional song lyrics
when I realized that the form was identical to my interpretation of ‘The Night
Before Christmas’: four line verses, with an x-a-x-a rhyme scheme and variant
syllable count.

She thrashed and she
caned me

But don’t pity my plight

I knew it wasn’t just Santa

Who’d be coming tonight

I’d
never before thought
She might like CBT
But now my balls are now hanging
From her Christmas tree

So, the challenge this month is to write
something festive in this traditional form.

As always, I look forward to seeing your
contributions in the comments box below. 
And, I hope you enjoy the festive season, however you celebrate the
holidays.


[1] The original poem is
written in rhyming couplets and I’ve been perceiving the caesura as the end of
the line.

Writing Exercise – The Terza Rima

by | May 6, 2016 | | 8 Comments

 By Ashley Lister

When I make love, don’t think me crass

I’m sharing this in secret now

I like a finger up my ass

I know it does not sound highbrow

I know it sounds like I’m depraved

But ass-fingers make me say wow

And likely I am pleasure’s slave

The Terza Rima is originally an Italian form that’s been
used by Milton, Shelley, Byron, Frost and Dante Alighieri. It’s written in
tercets (three lined stanzas) with a rhyme scheme of aba bcb cdc (and so on)
until the final stanza. The final stanza can either be a single line, relating
back to the middle rhyme of the penultimate stanza, (yzy z) or it can be a
concluding couplet (xyx zz).

The structure suits iambic pentameter or iambic tetrameter and the interlocking
rhyme scheme presents a neat little form that is a challenge to write and a
pleasure to read.

And likely I am pleasure’s slave

And critics claim I have no class

But when I try to misbehave

I like a finger up my ass

As always, I look forward to seeing your poems in the
comments box below.

Ash

Writing Exercise – the Rictameter

by | February 6, 2016 | | 2 Comments

 by Ashley Lister

 One of the pleasures of the rictameter is that there is no
need for rhyme: it relies on a strict adherence to syllable count. (Well, as
strict as syllable counts can be given our different regional pronunciations).

I know we looked at this form back in August last year, but it’s never too soon to revisit a quality form of poetry.

The
Rictameter starts off with a two syllable line, moves up to a four syllable,
and then a six and an eight and a ten syllable line, before going on to an
eight syllable line, followed by a six, a four and a two syllable closure. The
final line is a repeat of the first line, so it helps if it’s something punchy
and memorable.

oral

mouth, lips and tongue

ready to devour

yet bestowing so much pleasure

sucking, slurping, spitting or swallowing 

an overwhelm of sensation

that ends in liquid rush

and wanting more

oral

As always, I look forward to seeing your poetry in the
comments box below.

Ash

Writing Exercise – the Burns Stanza

by | January 6, 2016 | | 5 Comments

by Ashley Lister

Happy New Year. I’m hoping 2016 brings you
everything you desire that makes your life satisfying.

We first looked at the Burns Stanza back in
October 2014. I’m looking at it again now because we’re in January and Burns
night (25th January) will be on us before we know it. And, what
better way to prepare for a Burns night celebration than to write a saucy Burns
stanza?

As I mentioned when we looked at this form
before, the form did exist before Burns made it his own. It had previously been
known as the Standart Habbie or the Scottish stanza or, sometimes,
simply the six-line stave. Personally, I’m happy calling it a Burns
stanza. This is my attempt at the form.

Stanzas have six lines rhyming aaabab.
The a lines have four metrical feet and the b lines have two metrical feet.

Fair
fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Basque of leather, stockings of lace
A cold smile with no soft embrace
You hold the crop
You wield the whip. I know my place
Please never stop.

As always, I’d love to see your
interpretations of this form in the comments box below. And, if you are celebrating
Burns night this year, please eat haggis responsibly.

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