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The Daily Grind

Impotency: How do you handle it?

Here’s a peculiarly male problem, impotency. The older I get, I find heretofore 100 percent reliable parts occasionally let me down. No I ain’t talkin’ ’bout the Chevy. So, what do you say to her when the pan flashes, but the old musket misfires? Sorry, the powder must be damp?

Any of you guys confident enough to admit to impotency, a system crash in the middle of a performance? Have you ever looked into her eyes, desperately apologetic and mouthed that old chestnut, “Gee, that’s never happened before”? Or, did you carry on hoping she didn’t notice and pray for an instant ‘reboot’?

Ladies, how do you handle impotency? Do you try to be supportive “Aw, Honey, it’s okay. It happens.” Or, as I was instructed, “You’re exhausted. Go to sleep. We’ll do it in the morning.” Or, have you expressed alarm and disappointment. “What the fuck happened!” —Bob


  1. Comment Import

    From Guy
    I very much liked the comment of Jane and other kind ladies who are understanding of male impotence, and that love making can be so enjoyable in many other ways.

    I am now 78yrs and still have the hots for a woman, even not the most youthful and beautiful. I am not really well hung, in my youth I sometimes failed to get a hard on with a first time lover through over excitement. I also suffered from premature ejaculation, again first time with a new partner. Usually after sleeping peacefully together all night, I would have a good hard on in the morning and very successfully make love .

    I am content to just kiss, cuddle, finger, bury my face between the thighs or bottom of a woman for hours on end, make her come and come again.

  2. Comment Import

    From Teb
    I’m 67 years old and 5 ears ago my problem came on all at once. I could not stay hard and I had been married for 42 years. I questioned everything in my life and in my mind and found no answers. I believe we went as far as a couple could go looking for help. Trips to Doctors, pills, machines, even other people still did not help. My wife stood my me but I was giving up on myself mentally. All my years I had never felt that low in my life. We have had ups and downs over the years but our love and sex life had some how helped see us to a better day. I had never been this down in my life.

    I went to see one more Doctor who after some tests told me blood was leaking past a valve when I laid down. That was why the pills were not working but he had a fix. A direct injection was his fix which I can state 100% it works. I have heard for years people will do almost anything for love and I can at this point that is true. I have been using direct injections for the last 3 years. I have a very strong needle phobia so I know what love will drive one to do. The shot lets me last longer and makes me larger so we are feeling things anew. What was the end of a world for me or us has opened a new door for us. How have I handled all of this, not very at first and if was not for the love of my wonderful woman I would have given up years ago. So I can say, Love your mate be it woman or man.

  3. Comment Import

    From Anonymous
    I suppose I am a woman in the minority – it matters a lot to me. Not only does it seem personal (even when you are told the good old “It’s not you, it’s me”), a nice hard man signals to me that he finds me desirable, attractive, sexy. Yes, women can get off in a multitude of ways, but sometimes an old fashioned fuck is nice.

    I suffered from loss of libido and went a few years of not being able to acheive orgasm. I constantly bugged my doctor about how to get it back to only be told,”too bad, so sad”.

    At least there are solutions out there for men to try. The men I have been involved with that have had a problem with the old softy have been reluctant to discuss the issue with a doctor, and in one case, outright refused.

  4. Comment Import

    From Jess
    I don’t handle it well. When it happens I feel inadquate, get grouchy, annoyed with myself and everything and everyone around me. Even the dog shys away.

    My wife of 32 years has no issue with my now and then softy, and actually prefers masturbation, oral sex, and has a love affair going with her hitachi magic wand. Magic indeed. The point for her is whatever outside, rather than the ‘old in and out’ inside. For her, viagra is an abomination. And actually I have to agree. All it does is give me a stiffy, but not the ever important mental lust. What good is a hard-on when the desire to use it is not there.

    So ok for her, not so ok for me.

  5. Comment Import

    From Bi-girl
    Who cares? As long as the tongue and fingers work, let’s get to it baby! And there’s always kissing and all that other good stuff too.

  6. Comment Import

    From Jim
    Perspective of an Older and Honest Male At 60, I am past the point where it’s all chalked up to stress at work or being too tired tonight. The sad fact is that my equipment no longer works like it did during my sexual prime. I don’t even wake up with a piss hard-on. I can get fully erect, but it takes so much stimulation to reach that point that I am on the razor’s edge of orgasm before I’m hard enough to penetrate.

    It’s amusing how hard (forgive the pun) it is to find men who will admit to such perfectly normal changes of aging. Consider. We have numerous prescription medications that are absolutely necessary to save your life. Yet Viagra, Levitra and Cialis are raking in more $$$ than medicines that are critical to survival.

    My watchword is, “When all else fails, use your head.” And when I apply that wisdom and spend a long, languid to hot time between her legs lapping away and drinking in her taste and scent, my equipment generally snaps to attention without any need of performance enhancing drugs. And hey, even if it doesn’t, she’s not complaining!

  7. Comment Import

    From Jane
    A hard-on hardly defines a man, it simply defines penetration. And there’s a zillion women who can’t orgasm via penetration, it takes direct clitoral stimulation.So a penis doesn’t even define good sex. You want to define yourself as a lover, learn how to give good head, learn how to finger a women to orgasm, and get over your soft dick. Does she want penetration? Buy a dildo, and learn how to use it to her satisfaction. What I’m trying to say is a dick is very easy to replace. However, the man it’s attached to is not.

    I know what I’m talking about. My boyfriend has been impotent (due to a skiing accident) for the last year of our 2 year relationship. Yes, he went through the ‘I’m no longer a man’ thing, but as soon as he moved out of his self-pity phase, and realized it wasn’t his dick that made him a man, he became a fabulous lover, a champion skier, and I love him more now then then when he had a functioning penis.

    By the way, he is HUNG. Yes, a huge fat gorgeous penis, no longer working. So you can imagine how much he identified his maleness via his penis. It was a rough road, and sometimes still is. But once he realized that a cock is just a cock, he stop letting it define him. You can do the same, just get over yourself, and start looking at the man you are rather what your dick made you.

  8. Comment Import

    From Anonymous
    I have the occasional failure getting it up like most blokes. Sounds like a lot of people feel bad or guilty about this happening, I believe that a decent woman will be accepting of failure. After all a man’s penis is not what makes the man, it’s his attitude and personality and part of his personality should involve dealing with failure, or trying to.

  9. Comment Import

    From Anonymous
    When I was 28 I was involved in a motorcycle accident that crushed and subsequently damaged one of my testes. It looks normal but the blunt trauma caused it internal damage where it does not produce testosterone or semen. I have always had problems with erections and reaching orgasm. I am now 48 and even with Viagra and other ED drugs including Caverject/Edex, there are times when it just won’t get hard. I ignore it during lovemaking but it still bothers me. It has without a doubt left some angry bitter feelings especially since I am now on testosterone replacement therapy.

    To a woman it might not be a big deal as there are other ways to achieve pleasure, but to a man it is a big deal. It’s almost as if it is what defines what being a man is. Just my thought as I’m sure others will disagree. When it stops working completely, I will give serious thought to just ending my life. I’m done, and the journey sucks.

  10. Comment Import

    From Jack
    I’m normally rock hard, and really enjoy that feeling of having a solid cock that stands up and you could hang weights off it. However, I’ve had a couple of break downs and the consequences were terrible, because after that every time you have sex it is at the back of your mind.

    It first happened when I was with a girl that I’d wanted to sleep with for years and she turned me on in a way you can’t imagine, and yet when it came to the moment my dick let me down.It was all down to having too much expectation and being too concerned with whether I was good enough for her or not. I rebuilt my confidence bit by bit and now I’ve come to understand how to control it a lot better. It’s all about relaxing, just enjoying the sensations that sex gives you, and not thinking about how hard your dick is at any one time during the sex.

    It also happened on another occasion just because I didn’t feel too great and wasn’t in the mood. Let me say that in both situations the girls were shocked and not particularly understanding. That was a real let-down I must say, and made it much more difficult to overcome. It seems like it’s ok for girls to not be in the mood, or to be dry when you penetrate them after long and intense foreplay where they really do seem worked up, but when you can’t get your hard-on a woman takes it really personal.

  11. Comment Import

    From Tim
    As a 43 year old male, this is a topic that I’d rather not think and talk about. But, there is more than one way to skin a cat. If it does happen, so be it. But my lover will not go unsatisfied that evening. I promise…

  12. Comment Import

    From Kogan
    I just wanted to say how much this site has helped me figure out what’s been going on with me lately. I’m nearly 19 years old and recently found out exactly how embarrassing “going limp” is. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, the girl I was with I’d been dating for 6 months and we’d had sex many times before. In retrospect, I realize I had been thinking a lot about unrelated problems and just couldn’t let myself relax.

    I was afraid that I was suffering a serious problem after it happened the second time a week ago and I was dreading going to my doctor over it. After reading everything posted here, I’m sure it will no longer be a problem for me. Since I know what probably caused it and how some girls react to it, I’ll know what to say if it ever happens again. Thank you all for your posts, they’ve saved me a lot of confusion and heartache.

  13. Comment Import

    From Jean
    These things happen, my experience with it was a bit weird because it happened during the first encounter between me and a new partner, but he was upfront about it (he’s had the problem before), so that reassured me I wasn’t doing something wrong. He thanked me for being understanding, but to me, how can a woman give a guy a difficult time for that? It’s not like it’s something he can control. We don’t always come and that’s not under our control either. I wouldn’t want a guy giving me a difficult time for that. And he did satisfy me quite nicely in other ways. So, there were no complaints from me!

  14. Comment Import

    From Anonymous
    I’ve had trouble with impotency all of my adult life (51 now). For me it’s been an on and off thing, sometimes it works, sometimes not. I have no idea why either. It bothered me when I was young, early twenties, but I discovered that if I had a patient partner and relaxed and took my time my chances of success were greater, although not guaranteed.

    What I also discovered was that there are so many different ways to please a woman without penetrating her with my penis and one of the most pleasing things for me is pleasing my partner. And in the days before ED drugs, it became a lot of fun taking the time to seek and find those specific things that turned on the woman I was with and in my exploration often I found myself becoming erect.

    I’ve used Viagra and other drugs since they’ve come into the market place and while they work, I pay a heavy price of days worth the indigestion and heartburn (which I don’t get otherwise) and it’s just not worth it to go through that. Not when my wife has the patience of a saint and I still get turned on teasing and pleasing her.

  15. Comment Import

    From Anonymous
    I’m a 24 yr old guy. In the last few years, I’ve had this problem a few times. It’s a terrifying experience… you know, it’s just supposed to work… and then in the middle of sex, gone. Or we’ve been making out for hours, I’ve been hard and throbbing, and she puts it in her mouth, it feels great, and then…surprise, gone. It’s so frustrating.

    I’ve found that stopping masturbation can help build up enough sexual energy or whatever to carry me through… and once I’ve come once with a girl, the trust thing falls out of the way… I suppose that could be an argument for therapy for me.

    Anyway, try to stay focused on the feeling, how good it feels, exercise, and don’t pressure yourself. Yes, it’s a problem, but if she likes you enough to sleep with you, chances are she likes you for more than just that, and as long as you’re sincere and communicative, you can work around/through almost anything.

  16. Comment Import

    From Ann
    Y’know, it does happen, even if it hasn’t happened to you before, and to me it’s no big deal. Then again, I’m not entirely straight, so sex without any penis at all is a perfectly reasonable proposition. An uncooperative one doesn’t bother me in the slightest. The one time it happened to a partner of mine was when we were both in our early twenties. I held him, made reassuring noises — and meant them! — and we went to sleep.

  17. Comment Import

    From Rod
    Well, Bob, I’d hate to leave you hanging out there all alone – wait, that’s not coming out right- wait! Neither is that!

    Anyhoo, as we all should all know by now, the brain is the primary sex organ. I believe the loss of reliability that most (I think) men experience in middle age can be attributed primarily to, for lack of a better term, brain farts.

    It’s not that sex is any less enjoyable as one ages, but it can start to fall into the “been there, done that” category, so it’s much more likely that at any time during the act, including smack dab in the middle of it, one may suddenly, inexplicably remember the Visa bill one forgot to mail, for example.

    But to answer the question, yeah, it’s happened. Of course if I really have something else on my mind, it’ll usually manifest itself well before things get underway, but still, it’s happened. As I recall, after explaining that it wasn’t “her fault”, we shrugged it off, and grabbed the ol’ vibrator. Hate to leave a job half finished after all.

  18. Comment Import

    From Anonymous
    The first two times it happened, I was in my 20s and the setup was the same – long anticipated date with the woman, almost fully erect moments from the moment I saw her that night, erection raging for hours, then going down. By the time we got around to foreplay, it was as if my penis said, “Hey, I was ready all night. NOW, you want me to perform? You’ll just wait until I’m good and ready.”

    Both times, I made light of the situation. The women had two different responses. The first one made light of it, looking at my penis and saying with humor, “You’re blowing your big chance.” That night, my erection had clocked out, not to return till the morrow. It didn’t affect the ensuing GF/BF relationship we I had in any way. She later told me she wished other guys handled it that way instead of as if it was a signal of some massive malfunction.

    The second woman said, “Are you a fag?” in a tone between a joke and a sneer. I was offended at the question, the tone and the use of the derogatory terminology. That night, my erection was only on a coffee break. Once it returned, for the only time in my life, I had sex with someone with whom I was upset. She didn’t want it to be a one-night stand. So, my revenge for her remark was to do her well, get her off and never call her again.

    Later in life, I wouldn’t rise to the occasion out of overall exhaustion, lack of sexual energy and sometimes lack of sexual energy from my wife. But, as I got into my mid-to-late 30s, these instances had a carryover effect. I have performance anxiety. It was a relief to both my wife and I when I finally explained this to her and let her see how much shame and fury at myself I felt. She seemed a little shocked, then said, hey, I know our hump-a-lot, hot sex days are long past, but I still want you and everything you bring as a husband. That helped. I still have performance anxiety on some level. But it isn’t paralyzing as it had gotten for a few months.

  19. Comment Import

    From Dal
    I started having some impotency problems in my mid 50s and still do at times. When they started, I think it was because I was intimidated by my beautiful lady friend. We went to her house and after a while, she grabbed my cock still in my pants and asked me to come to her bedroom. I was so excited to be with this beautiful woman that I could not get a hard-on, no matter how much stimulation she gave me. We kissed passionately and I explored her body, but I still could not get hard.

    She assured me that it was all mental and tried to get me to relax and had me lie on my back. She got on her knees and began giving me a blowjob. I still was not getting hard. Finally, she shifted her body around and had her pussy straddling my face so we would be in the 69 position. I gave her orgasms and ultimately I began to get hard and we fucked and sucked each other all night and for the rest of the weekend. Every time I had this problem, she could cure it by giving me slow blow jobs and get me going. It almost always worked, but when it didn’t, I still sucked her to oblivion through the night.

    With her and others, I can overcome my temporary impotency this way or by first watching some extreme porno. When by myself, sometimes it is hard to masturbate without reading erotica or watching porn. I am sure age has something to do with it and as I approach 63, it is sporadic when impotency is a problem. Viagara and other aids work fine, but they leave me ill afterwards and I no longer use them.

    During my mid50s, I bought a penis pump and started using it. It caused my dick to thicken around and gives me an inch or more in length. It is very firm but not always rock hard, but my lover says that it feel great as though it is totally hard. With a cock ring attached, it is even more firm. I hope this helps someone. Thanks for this great forum.

  20. Hannah grellNer

    For the last five years I had a partner that was impotent except sometimes in the early morning hours he would get hard enough for an erection. He would ask me if I was interested and knowing it meant a lot to him to actually fuck me, I always welcomed him inside of me. He would pump like crazy, me imagining he was worried about losing his erection and would usually come fairly quickly. While I enjoyed the closeness, I never came this way with him. He was wonderful with his hands, mouth and toys and I didn’t lack for wonderful pleasure and orgasms. The one bothersome piece was he never talked about it until we were breaking up. Then he essentially said he hadn’t had a previous issue and it felt like he was trying to say it wasn’t him but me. I had wondered early in our relationship and went with him to a club and suggested a lap dance with a young lady he seemed attracted to and even though he wanted me to be with him and for her to play with me and with him, he never got hard or had any kind of erection. He had orgasms when I gave him blowjobs even though he was not hard. I have a lot of self confidence and didn’t have an issue other than no conversation about it early on. He previously had an ex wife who castrated him mentally and he saw prostitutes before me. We did the threesome several times as he really liked that but he never got hard. Pills worked once in a while but not very often or reliably. Men and women can both be selfish and I think no woman should make a man feel badly about impotence.


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