{"id":6622,"date":"2016-01-15T05:30:00","date_gmt":"2016-01-15T05:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.crocolessons.com\/erwa\/what-spoils-i\/"},"modified":"2016-01-15T05:30:00","modified_gmt":"2016-01-15T05:30:00","slug":"what-spoils-i","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/blog\/2016\/01\/15\/what-spoils-i\/","title":{"rendered":"What Spoils It: Carelessness in Doing BDSM"},"content":{"rendered":"

\nI read a lot of BDSM erotica and erotic romance. While what
\nI write is fairly specific, I enjoy reading a wider diversity, all different
\nsorts of pairings and groups. I enjoy the sort that is all about building a
\nfantasy for the reader, from the billionaire natural alpha dom, to the corral
\nwhere you park your submissive at the club. I also enjoy the sort that is
\nintended to feel real, to reflect the realities of kink life. I\u2019m not one of
\nthose folks who do BDSM and need fiction to be realistic; I\u2019m perfectly fine
\nsinking into a fantasy story about a magical mind-reading dominant, whether it
\ncomes with a critique of kink life (e.g. Cecilia Tan\u2019s Telepaths Don\u2019t Need Safewords<\/em><\/a>) or
\nis purely there to fulfill a fantasy (e.g. Cherise Sinclair\u2019s Club Shadowlands<\/em><\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nWhat I\u2019ve found is that there\u2019s a particular thing that\u2019s
\npretty much guaranteed to spoil my investment in and enjoyment of a BDSM story:
\ncarelessness in the context of a scene or D\/s dynamic. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nTo be clear, I adore mean, cruel and even cold dominants.
\nI\u2019m not talking about sadism here, or needing to go easy on bottoms in a way
\nthat treats them as fragile. I\u2019m not even just talking about tops. Bottoms can
\ndefinitely be careless too. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nI\u2019m not talking about stories where folks have casual play,
\nor play that\u2019s not centered on emotions or caring for each other romantically.
\nI\u2019m not even talking about psychological edge play scenes that center on a top seeming<\/em> careless. I\u2019m fine with that
\nsort of play as long as I know, as a reader, that the top is actually seeing to
\nthe well-being of the bottom, and that the bottom knows somewhere in the back
\nof their mind that they can trust the top to be careful with them.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nWhat do I mean when I talk about carelessness?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nI mean carelessness in terms of leaving a bottom tied up and
\nunattended. I mean carelessness in terms of casual selfishness where the
\ncharacter is solely focused on their own needs to the point of ignoring the basic
\nwell-being of the folks they are doing BDSM with. I mean carelessness in terms
\nof launching into heavy humiliation play with a novice with no negotiation. I
\nmean carelessness in terms of deliberate ignoring of basic bodily needs. I mean
\ncarelessness in terms of deliberately fucking with someone\u2019s head when mindfuck
\nwas not on the table. I mean carelessness in terms of a dominant giving a
\nsubmissive away to someone without ensuring that the submissive is ok in that
\nperson\u2019s care. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nFor the most part, what it often boils down to is a
\ncharacter treating another character like they are not a real person, but an
\nobject, not as part of an agreed upon D\/s dynamic or humiliation scene, but in
\nactuality. Treating them as if they are a tool to get off with, not a human
\nbeing with, y\u2019know, needs and vulnerabilities, who is worthy of a basic modicum
\nof respect and care. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nIs it realistic to have characters do this? Absolutely. This
\nbehavior abounds in kink life, just as carelessness does in many other kinds of
\ncommunities. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nDo I want it in my erotica or erotic romance? Absolutely
\nnot. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nPlease do write about miscommunication, misunderstandings,
\nsecrets, scenes that go wrong, common novice mistakes, times when people need
\nto safeword, accidents that happen in play, times when folks are not aware of
\ntheir feelings or not up for talking about stuff they should, and all the other
\nways that people are human and have opposing needs and fuck up and things fall
\napart and need to be repaired, especially if you are writing realistic stories
\nabout BDSM. I\u2019d love to see more of that in the kinky fiction I read. I don\u2019t
\nneed or even want characters to be perfect.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nCarelessness is in a different zone for me. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nWhy?<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nI don\u2019t trust the character any more as a practitioner of
\nBDSM. I wouldn\u2019t recommend them as a player to a stranger, must less to someone
\nI care about.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nI am not rooting for the couple anymore. I want the other
\ncharacter to dump that asshole, not make excuses for them or sink deeper into
\nconnection with them or ignore the problem or want to be treated that way. <\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nI don\u2019t want to witness them playing or falling for each
\nother. It\u2019s not hot. I wouldn\u2019t watch that scene in a public dungeon; I
\ndefinitely don\u2019t want to read it.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nI don\u2019t want stories that support, elide, apologize for or
\nexcuse carelessness in kink. Especially not in a main character I\u2019m supposed to
\nbe identifying with or desiring or rooting for. Especially not in a story that supposedly
\nhas a HFN or a HEA ending.<\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nWant me to love your BDSM erotica and erotic romance and
\ninvest in your characters and story? <\/p>\n

\n
<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

\nShow the reader moments where characters are careful with each other. <\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n<\/p>\n

\nWhere dominants take an extra moment to ensure they still
\nhave consent. Where submissives consider a dominants needs. Where tops check in
\nafter a scene. Where bottoms share information a top might need in order to
\nfully consent to something. Where a dominant pays attention to body language
\nand tone of voice and not just the words a submissive uses. Where a submissive
\nnotices that a dominant seems off and checks in. Where a top thinks about what
\na bottom might need from play. Where a bottom thinks about the shit a top had
\nto deal with today and treads carefully around sensitive subjects. Where
\ncharacters negotiate in a way that shows they are invested in each other\u2019s
\nwell-being.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\nIt\u2019s those moments that make me fall for your characters,
\nroot for them as a couple or triad or group or whatever they are together, want
\nto follow them to the end of the story. Those are the moments that make me sigh
\nand smile and swoon.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I read a lot of BDSM erotica and erotic romance. While what I write is fairly specific, I enjoy reading a wider diversity, all different sorts of pairings and groups. I enjoy the sort that is all about building a fantasy for the reader, from the billionaire natural alpha dom, to the corral where you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":230,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_seopress_robots_primary_cat":"","_seopress_titles_title":"","_seopress_titles_desc":"","_seopress_robots_index":"","_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[1351,2184,1275,1276,1673,2094],"coauthors":[],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6622"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/230"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6622"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6622\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6622"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6622"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6622"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/erotica-readers.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=6622"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}