The ringing phone woke her from a sound sleep. Glancing at the clock, she noted it was six a.m. The only person that called at such a god-forsaken hour was her sister, Hilda, who lived in Arkansas and didn’t give a tooty fruity that it was two hours earlier in Oregon.
“Hilda, by god, this better be good,” she answered by way of greeting.
“Ethyl, I got fucked by a cucumber last night.”
“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!”
“No, they had nothing to do with it. It was Harry.”
“Harry? What’s gotten in to him? Is he still taking his meds?”
“Yes, that’s why he had to fuck me with the cucumber.”
“Ethyl, you’re not making any sense. Tell me what happened!”
“I knew you’d want the juicy details. You always were a pervert. Remember when you used to spy on Billy Joe and me up in the tree house playing doctor? Took you three years to figure out that wasn’t a thermometer he was sticking in my ass.”
“Ethyl, please! I don’t need any details! Just tell me if you’re all right! Did he hurt you?”
“Hell, no, Honey! Best damn fuck I ever had! Course it mighta been better if he hadn’t just taken it outa the crisper in the fridge! Eight fat inches of ice cold vegetable. Yow-wee! They heard me shriek all the way over ta Cook County!”
“Oh my god—how awful for you! Were you in pain?”
“Hell no! I was good and wet by the time he chased me from the kitchen to the bedroom. That sucker just slipped right in, bigger than poor ‘ole Harry could ever be.”
“Ethyl, what ever posessed him to do something like this?”
“Well, you know that medicine he’s been taking just damn near killed his sex drive. His poor little pecker doesn’t even get up for the Victoria’s Secret catalog no more, so it sure ain’t gettin up for this old body.”
“Now, sweety, you aren’t old.”
“Honey, my tits haven’t pointed north in 30 years and my legs damn near creak when they’re pried open.. But anyway, I was talking about how this all happened.”
“God, save me…” Hilda muttered.
“What was that? Well, anyway, I’ve been a little cranky to Harry lately. Nothing major, although he didn’t think the brownies made with Ex-Lax was very funny.” Cackling, she added, “Spent most o’ that day on the ‘ole porcelain goddess.”
Ethyl just sighed. How was it possible they both came from the same gene pool?
“Now, where was I? Oh ya, how I got fucked by a cucumber. Ok, well you know how Harry spends all day watching TV sitting in that ‘ole La-Z-Boy recliner? I swear we’re gonna bury his ass in that thing one day, why waste money on a casket? Just wrap the whole thing in celophane and drop it down. Be a lot cheaper. But anyway, he was watching some rerun of “All In The Family” for the millionth time and I just plum went nuts. ‘Harry’ I said, ‘I’m sick of you doing nothin but watchin TV all day while I do the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry. I need more outa you!'”
“What did he do?”
“He said, ‘Hildy, you’ve been such a bitch lately and it’s high time I do somethin about it.’ He stood up, walked into the kitchen, and started rummaging in the fridge. I thought, by god, if he ignores me to make another liverwurst and onion sandwich, I’ll starch his boxer shorts!”
Chuckling, Hilda knew she would. “Well, what did he say?” Amazingly, as with all of Ethyl’s escapades, she found herself drawn into this one as well.
“Well, now Hildy, did I ever tell you that there was a time that ‘ole Harry and I were into D/S?”
“Lord have mercy, Ethyl! That’s … Why that’s … What happened next?”
“Ya, I knew you’d understand. I saw Bobby Ray paddling your ass when you were fifteen down by the creek.”
Mortified, Hilda gasped.
“I wasn’t the only one who did the spying when we were young!”
“Ethyl, get back to the story! What happened when Harry went into the refridgerator?”
“Well, he pulls out this big ‘ole cucumber and he says, ‘Ethyl, there used to be only one way to shut you up and that was to keep your damn mouth full. Get over here right now and get on your knees.’ Hilda, I gotta tell you, the ‘ole juices started flowing like the Mississippi. Didn’t know the factory still worked down there!”
“So, what did you do?”
“Well, I walked over there and I knelt down on the linoleum right in front of his feet like I used to! Knees cracked on the way down, but what the hell. And when he told me to open my mouth, I did! And I’ll be damned if he didn’t fuck it with this green hunka vegetable.”
“Lord have mercy!”
“Ya, he heard my prayer,” she chuckled. “After a few minutes, Harry pulled it out, and yanked me up by the hair. He had this gleam in his eye I ain’t seen for almost twenty years and he whispers real mean-like, ‘you get a three second head start to the bedroom. If I beat you to the door, you get this in your ass instead of your pussy!'”
“No!” Hilda hissed. Her fingers slipped under her flannel nightgown to find herself slick with moisture. What the hell, indeed, she thought.
“Well, I gotta tell you Sis! I hightailed it outa there like the fires o’ hell were chasing me. We were both wheezing and doubled over catching our breath by the time we got upstairs, but I beat him by one second. We hadta take a five minute break to recover and get a drink of water, but then he said, ‘Strip, slut, and get on all fours so I can fuck you like the whore you are.'”
“Ohhhh, Ethyl … Keep going.”
“You wackin off over there Ethyl? No, never mind, don’t tell me. So, I take off my clothes and assume the position. Lordy, Lordy—the flood gates were open and when he pushed that cucumber inside nice and slow, I let out a squeal that woulda made a pig proud!”
Hilda’s hand was working furiously. “Yes?”
Oh, ya, she’s wanking, Ethyl thought. “So, he’s banging me away with the cucumber and sure enough I feel it, like the creature from the Black Lagoon rising up outa the sea, a big ole orgasm right there first time in 20 years! And he stops!”
“Nooo!” Hilda cried. “He can’t stop!” She certainly couldn’t stop! An earthquake was rumbling between her thighs and the shifting plates of the Earth had nothing to do with it.
“I turn my head around and damn if he doesn’t have the finest boner we’ve seen since the Carter administration! ‘Holy shit, Harry! Where’d that come from?’ I say. And he says, ‘Hell if I know, but I ain’t wasting it.’ Then he impales me, sending my face flying into the pillow. Honey, I ain’t never been ridden so hard. He was thrusting and buckin like a bronco at a rodeo. I came so damn hard I knocked my head on the bedframe—still gotta lump. And ole Harry, why he’s strutting around like a peacock down at the hardware store with the boys.”
Soft breathing was all she heard on the other end of the line.
“You finished yet? Cuz I’m done with my story now. Well, gotta go. I’m meetin’ Harry in the produce section of the grocery store at ten. Love you Sis, go back to sleep now.”
© 2004 Lauren Mills. All rights reserved. Content may not be copied or used in whole or part without written permission from the author.