“NO SHIT?!?!?” The drunk’s words echo around the bar like a thunderclap.
“No shit,” I say. I turn away from the drunk and scoop a handful of peanuts out of the bowl next to me. I stare at the bottle of Wild Turkey on the shelf behind the bar while I munch on the peanuts.
The drunk doesn’t get the hint that I want to end our conversation. He says, “God damn, I don’t believe it! You’re married to Cheri L’amour! Son of a bitch!” He slaps me on the shoulder and tosses back (by my count) his fifth shot of JD. He’s been ignoring the “No Smoking” signs in the bar while he pickles his liver, and he smells like the men’s room at a bus terminal.
Dave, the bartender, automatically refills the drunk’s glass. The drunk says, “Give my buddy here, Mr. L’amour another one on me. This one’s on me.”
I catch Dave’s eye and shake my head. I remind myself to never tip Dave again. I’m sure he’s the one who let my little secret slip. “Actually, L’amour is her stage name. Her real name is Cheryl. Cheryl Atkins.”
The drunk slaps my shoulder again. It’s starting to tingle. “Whatever. You know, she’s the hottest porn star I ever did see. Ever! I mean, I watch a lot of porn, too.”
“I’m sure you do.” Damn, I wish that cab would hurry!
“Is she meeting you here or something? I’d love an autograph, man.”
“No, she’s working tonight. I’m meeting her at home later.”
The drunk leans forward. I thank God he’s not smoking a cigarette right now; his breath is so loaded with alcohol we could both burst into flames. “C’n I ask you a question? Just between us?” He pulls my head closer to his and I fear a kiss coming on. “Are those big tits of hers real?”
Maybe if I throw him a bone, he’ll get bored and move on. I say, “One hundred percent all natural.”
“HOT DAMN! I knew it! I just knew it! They look real, too. When she was titty-fucking that guy in that movie where she’s a fireman…ummm…”
“‘Too Hot To Handle.'”
“That’s the one! God, she gave me such a hard-on. She is hot! And I love the way she’ll do anything. The girl on girl stuff, the orgies, oral, anal, the S & M stuff, that gang bang! Was that really her in ‘Wanna Fuck? Get In Line?'”
I nod my head.
“Un-be-fucking-lievable! You’re married to Cherie L’Amour! Fuckin-ay!” The drunk meditates on that for a moment. “Lemme ask you another question.” He throws his arm around my neck. “What’s she like at home? Is she wild? Is she fucking insane in bed, man?”
A man enters the bar and says, “Somebody call for MetroCab?”
I jump up. “That’s me.”
The drunk grabs my arm. “Wait! Just a minnit! You gotta tell me, man! What’s it like being married to a porn star? Is it hot? Is it fucking crazy, man?”
My first impulse is to hit the guy with a beer bottle. Instead, I ask, “What do you mean?”
“Well, she fucks these other guys all day long, man. Then she comes home to you. What’re you like, man? What makes her stick around with you?”
I whisper, “She says I’m fantastic.”
The drunk’s mouth opens in amazment.
I say, “She says I treat her like no man ever has.”
“She says that?”
“She says I’m the best ever.”
“No shit?”
“No shit.”
The drunk stares at me like I’ve got courtside season tickets to Lakers games. He says, “Must be fucking crazy in that bedroom, man!”
I give the drunk a knowing smile and say, “You have no fucking idea.”
The drunk mouthes the word, “Wow,” but no sound comes out.
Cheryl’s in the shower when I get home. Before I go upstairs, I stop in the kitchen and prepare a plate of food. I start getting undressed and call out, “Hi, Honey. How was your day?”
The water stops. She shouts out from the bathroom. “Ugh! I’m never fucking King Dong Dorner again until he takes a shower first. Yuck!”
“How much more filming do you have?”
Jizz Magazine’s “Hottest Slut in the Western World” three years running comes out of the bathroom. A towel is wrapped around her head like a turban, and she’s wearing her favorite Mickey Mouse nightshirt. It’s so old and faded you can barely make out the “Disneyland” printed on the front.
Cheryl says, “We finished just about everything today, except the orgy scene, that’s tomorrow, and I’ve got a dungeon scene with Leslie and Margo on Thursday. Trent called me on the set and he wants to start filming ‘Cum On Over VIII” on Saturday.”
“What’d you tell him?”
“I said I’d have to check with you, first. We’d have to push back our trip to Carmel a week, but I figure if we finish the movie on time, that’d give you and me an extra three days alone.”
“Sounds good.” I watch my wife remove the towel from around her head. Her blonde hair is still wet, but she doesn’t care as she climbs into bed.
I stare at her. “How many people did you fuck today?”
Cheryl rolls her eyes toward the ceiling while she counts. “Twelve. Randy, Dave, Josh, Alan and Jesse together, Karrie and Nora together, Randy and Josh again, Sandra, Tom, and this new guy, Steve. He’s sweet. He apologized for his cumshot getting into my hair.”
I get into bed next to her. She smells of perfumed soap. Lilacs. I say, “I know what you want.”
Cheryl smiles. “What?”
I produce my plate of food. “Milk and chocolate chip cookies….”
Cheryl’s smile grows broader. “Then what?”
“One of my world famous footrubs….”
Cheryl closes her eyes in delight. “Oooh. Then what?”
“Then we get under the covers….”
“Yes?”
“I wrap my arms around you…”
“Yes?”
“And we cuddle all night.”
Cheryl sighs. “Oh, Darling! You’re the best husband in the world! You’re fantastic!”
© 2001 by J.T. Benjamin All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced without permission of the author. This means you.