Once upon a time, there was a daring young knight named Lance. He was very tall, blond, and handsome, and he knew how to handle his sword.
“Take that you evil fiend!”
Lance thrust his weapon into the scaled belly of an enormous green dragon. The beast clutched at his mid-section, reared back his head, and said, “Ow! That really hurt!” before crashing to the ground to die.
Victorious once again, Lance sheathed his sword and swaggered over to the maiden who stood tied to a post. She had red hair and a decent complexion, but her nose was rather big and she had a small gap between her front teeth. Not the prettiest princess Lance had ever rescued, but hey, she’d do.
“Hello, beautiful,” he purred as he undid her bindings. “I’m Lance, dragon slayer extraordinaire. What’s your name?”
The maiden sighed as if bored. “Cindy.”
Lance bobbed his head, grinning. Her face wasn’t great, but beneath the ropes he discovered she did have a nice rack.
“So, Cindy, how’d you like that rescue? Pretty hot, huh?”
The maiden shrugged. “You did okay, I guess.”
“Okay? You guess?” Lance drew back, affronted. “Babe, I just saved you from a fate worse than death.”
“Yeah, well rumor has it that you’re the fate worse than death.”
“Excuse me?”
“We would excuse you Lance, if you hadn’t been so damned lousy in bed!”
Several feminine faces popped out from the rocks surrounding the dragon’s lair. Strangely familiar faces, in fact, but Lance couldn’t quite place where he knew them from. He held up his hands as a pack of princesses came out of their hiding places to converge upon him.
“Ladies! This is a surprise. Did that mean, nasty dragon capture all of you at once? I know you want to thank me for the rescue, but you’ll have to get in line. This young lady here,” he gestured to Cindy, “was first.”
Cindy rolled her eyes. “Oh please. Like anybody here wants to thank you for anything.”
She kicked away the last of the ropes that bound her to the post and strode over to the dragon, which she prodded with her foot.
“Hey you, get up.”
The dragon flinched. “Ow. Hey, be careful. I just took a hit there, lady, or did you not see my performance?”
“I saw it. It was Oscar-worthy, really. But you’re done now, so get lost.”
The dragon clambered to his feet. Lance blanched.
“I’d be delighted,” the dragon said, running a clawed hand over his mid-section as he checked for battle damage. “But there’s this little matter of payment?”
Cindy nodded to one of the other princesses. “Rose, pay the lizard so we can get on with this, okay?”
A willowy blonde in a long pink gown fished a coin bag out of her cleavage and tossed it to the dragon. Her face was quite pretty, except for the light mustache that decorated upper lip. Oh, and she had dark hair on her forearms.
“You heard, Cindy,” Rose said. “Get lost, and don’t ever let us see your scaly face around here again. Got it?”
The dragon snatched up the coin bag. “Got it. Nice doing business with you, ladies.” He turned to Lance and smiled, showing way too many teeth. “I am so glad I’m not you right now.” Then he took off.
The princesses turned their attention back to Lance, who began backing away.
“Uh, do I know you ladies?” he asked.
“Know us?” said the princess Rose. “Buddy, you screwed us. Literally.”
“I did?” Lance came up suddenly against the post Cindy had been tied to moments earlier. “I don’t recall—”
“Of course you don’t,” said a flat-chested princess with jet black hair and a mole on her nose. “And that surprises no one. But that’s okay. We remember you.”
“Look, I don’t know what’s going on here …” Lance’s eyes darted from side to side, seeking an escape route. He shrieked as several pairs of small, feminine hands grabbed him and shoved him against the post.
“What’s going on here,” Cindy explained, “is the end of your little con game. Snow, have you got the can-opener?”
The dark-haired princess with the mole held up the requested instrument. It was as long as her forearm and the blade gleamed in the late afternoon sun.
“Hey, you don’t plan to use that on me, do you?” Lance squeaked.
Cindy turned and shoved him against the post again, hard. “What we plan is to get a little satisfaction, pal. You don’t remember us, but you ‘rescued …'” she made little quote marks with her fingers, “… every one of us. You paid that dragon to swoop down and carry off princesses so you could come charging in to save the day. Then, once you ‘defeated …'” she made more finger quote marks, ” …said dragon, you took advantage of us to get your reward. Then when ‘happily ever after’ turned into ‘the morning after,’ you made some lame excuse about how you had to go out and do your knightly duties, and you never came back.”
She took the can-opener from Snow and waved it in front of Lance’s face. “So tell me, tall, blond and stupid. How many maidens did you defile with you little con? Did you keep score? Write our names down in a little black book? No wait, that would have required that you remember our names, and we all know you wanted to forget us just as soon as you were done with us.” She tapped the can opener against his breast plate. “Well, let us refresh your memory, starting with me. I’m Cindy and you first rescued me about four years ago. You were working with a different dragon back then, but your pick-up lines where just as crappy and you didn’t even bother to take off your armor when you screwed me. And once you got your rocks off, you claimed you were too tired to tend to my needs. I guess defeating hired dragons takes a lot out of a guy, huh? Who’s next?”
The willowy blond princess spoke up. “Hey Lance. I’m Briar Rose. You promised me we’d get married. I’m soooooo glad we didn’t. After one tumble with you, I knew if I had to sleep with you every night for the rest of my life, I’d slit my own throat.”
“I’m Snow Belle,” said the flat-chested, raven-haired princess. “You told me you had an eight-inch cock and promised I’d have multiple orgasms until I passed out. Well I did pass out. From boredom.”
A dozen other princesses came forward and re-introduced themselves to Lance. None of them had anything nice to say, and every one of them was looking for blood.
“Okay, look.” Lance held up his hands. “You got me. I paid a dragon and set the whole thing up so I could get laid. So what? I’m a knight in shining armor. I’ve got a sword and everything. What are you stupid hags going to do to me?”
Lance reached for his weapon, prepared to fight his way to freedom. No way was he going to apologize to this bunch of harpies. But all his hand found was an empty scabbard.
“Looking for this?” Rose said, holding the long, bare blade in her hands. “You’re really not the brightest or most attentive guy, are you?”
Lance winced. “Um, okay. I’m sorry, all right? That crack about stupid hags was way out of line, and I never, ever should have taken advantage of any of you. I’m really, truly sorry, ladies. I won’t do it again. So why don’t you just let me go?”
“Because,” Cindy said, smiling. “You promised us all the same thing, and for once, we intend to have it.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
She leaned toward him and whispered. “A happily ever-after.”
Lance snorted. “What? How do you expect to get that? You gonna make me marry all of you?”
“No,” Cindy said. “Marriage to you would be a miserable ever-after. What we plan is something a little different. Hold him still, ladies.”
She hit his breast plate with the can opener again, this time hard enough for the point to sink into the metal. She grasped the handle with both hands and started slicing away at his armor.
“Whoa! Wait a minute, we can work something out. Really, we can!” Lance struggled, but to no avail. The princesses simply dug their claws into him and held fast while Cindy turned his armor into scrap metal and left him standing buck-naked in the midst of the now cackling women.
Rose nudged Snow Belle. “He told you he had an eight-inch cock? I don’t even think that thing is four inches long.”
“Hey, it gets bigger!” Lance yelped.
“Gee, where have we heard that line before?” Cindy pushed the knight to his knees. “Line up, girls!”
The women queued up behind the now-shivering Lance while Cindy fished a wicked looking paddle out of the folds of her gown. She brandished it at Lance.
“What are you gonna do to me?” he wept.
“Honey, we’re going to give you a happy ending, starting with me.” She hefted the paddle. “This is for calling me a gap-toothed loser!”
Wham! Cindy struck Lance across the buttocks and sent him flying face first into the dirt. He had barely made it back up to his knees before she handed off the paddle to Rose and headed to the back of the line.
“This is for telling me I needed a wax job on my upper lip!” the mustachioed princess bellowed.
Thwack!
And then she handed the paddle to Snow.
“This is for telling me you’ve seen bigger boobs on an ogre!”
Blam!
On and on it went. Each princess took up a position behind the knight and paddled him for his various crimes. He shrieked and wailed, and promised to change his ways, but the ladies were having too much fun to listen, and to his chagrin, Lance realized a part of him was enjoying it too.
“Well look at that, ladies,” Cindy crowed. “Someone’s getting hard …”
“Puh-puh-please! No more!” the knight blubbered.
“But we’ve only just started!” Cindy turned to the princesses. “Who’s up for round two?”
“Mercy!” Lance shrieked, and he covered his throbbing bottom with both hands.
At that moment, the sound of galloping hooves caught everyone’s attention. As one, Lance and the princesses turned to see another knight in shining armor burst out of the tree line. He steered his charger toward them and waved his sword about.
“What ho?!” he cried. “I thought I heard a woman’s screams. Is there a damsel in dist—Whoooooaaaaaa! What the hell? Lance? Is that … you?”
Lance jumped to his feet and raced to the newcomer. “George, help me! The princesses, they’ve figured us out! Get me out of here before they spank me again!”
“Well, I’ll be …” Cindy sucked in a sharp breath. “If it isn’t the other one.” She turned to the pack of growling princesses. “Let’s get him.”
“Uh-oh,” was all George had time to say before he too fell victim to the unfair maidens.
After that day, there were no more rescues of damsels in distress, but that was okay, because there were also no more princess-snatchings by ferocious dragons who had been paid by loutish knights who couldn’t otherwise seem to get laid. It was a happy ending all around.
Except for Lance and George, but really, did they deserve one?
© 2009 Helen E. H. Madden. All rights reserved. Content may not be copied or used in whole or part without written permission from the author.