Is the grass really greener?
“I have been cheated on, time and time again. See, I think they just get bored or something of that sort, because even now mine has been caught trying to do more than window shop.” —Anonymous.
So why do people cheat? Possibly one partner isn’t enough, perhaps people get bored, maybe ‘the grass is greener’ is hard to resist. Tell us about your experiences—the good, the bad, and the ugly.
From David
After almost 25 years of marriage, I no longer believe that the whole idea of commitment has anything to do with sex. Yet somehow, sex is the center of ideas that tie us together around “being committed”. I think it is a big falsehood. Commitment is being there, totally, 100%.That said, I also have recognized that non-aligned libidos are a real problem. For me, exploration is a goal. Alternative sexualities are essential, and at times I feel I am going totally nuts. I’m working my way slowly to a place here I feel OK about suggesting kink, anal and, I hope, other sex experiences. As one person here put it life is short. Live it.
it is heart breaking to see the one with another my commitment are others around me i am not keeping a dirty secret to myself others needs anyway but i never meant to hurt nobody and my sexuality has no partner, i wish this one would stop tormenting my mental image and i have no other choice but to stay alive.
From Holeinheart
I never thought I’d be one of those men that cheat. I thought I had more character then that. I made a commitment to my wife and thought we could always work things out. Like many here, I love my wife but when someone deep down resents you so much they won’t touch you or be intimate with you for more then 10 years, it leaves you with a void in your soul. She’s not interested in talking about it, getting counseling or doing anything to otherwise work on the situation. To be honest, even if she came to me tonight and said “fuck me” I’m so pissed off, I probably wouldn’t be interested. Even with that, I thought I could stick it out. I don’t really want a divorce and wasn’t looking for a lover. The rest of my life is pretty good.
However, a woman came a long that is nice to me, passionate, and incredibly sexy. I’m going slow with the relationship to see if it’s more then sexual. I’m not really interested in fuck friends.
From Anonymouse
Wow. It’s sad I’m reading a whole lot of giving advice to the opposite sex on how to keep your wife/husband. The simple matter is communication. Saying it’s the woman’s fault if the man strays is lame and misinformed. Saying that the man should learn to be a better lover if he wants to keep his wife at home is equally lame and misinformed. It takes two in the relationship. Two. Both sides need to talk to each other. And here’s the thing. If you stray because your spouse isn’t interested in sex…maybey it’s not them that’s the problem.
You’re so right. Men are visually stimulated. Women are more stimulated with word and intimacy. She wants romance and to go on a date. Sex is OK but I want to be close, maybe laying my head on his chest and he’s stroking my hair. Foreplay & close intimate contact helps get us ready for sex. My husband cheated because he said I abandoned him. I was helping to care for a terminally ill parent. My attention wasn’t focused on husband and he couldnt handle it. He cheated &.lied and spent the inheritance his mom left ($30,000). He told these women he was in love with them, etc. I finally caught him at a motel. He asked for a 2nd chance & he said he’d spend the rest of his life proving his love. He us still lying & cheating if he gets the chance. I’ve read texts & emails & denies communicating with them.
From LeRoy
When I read these posts about why men cheat I find one comment used most regularly. “BOREDOM” I couldn’t agree more with a saying I read recently, a quote from mother or grandmother to daughter “if you don’t take care of your man, someone else will”. I use a different shake in business that’s on the same note. “If you don’t take care of your customer someone else will”. To cheat or not to cheat, that is the question and cheating is not the answer. Men choose your spouse carefully, and never get married if you like variety, unless you get a rare women who understands how to keep things interesting.
From Anonymous
I got a late start in my romantic life. I was 26 before I got lucky” I married and stayed faithful for the next 16 years. I had worked in construction all my life and was tired of working in rain, snow, cold and blistering heat so I answered an ad “Carpenter Wanted, Experienced.” I answered the ad and discovered it was from a small home improvement company. I hired on and spent the next 23 years working in middle class to upper middle class homes, most of the time alone. I never once flirted or acted or spoke in a suggestive manner, always referred to the lady of the house Mrs.
I was “hit on” constantly by ladies of all ages, youngest a 23 year old grad student who was house sitting for her parents who were on a world wide cruise, the oldest a very horny 66 year old religious teacher…won’t mention the faith. I got “it” on my first interior job with a 49 year old woman and just kept going until I retired. You wouldn’t believe the number so I won’t tell how many. Young, old, slim, fat, zafteg, from homely to drop dead gorgeous. I thought I was King of the Road.
Shortly after I retired my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was dead within seven weeks. I was in the the bedroom when she died…heard the death rattle. That was 13 years ago and I am so full of guilt and self hatred that I cannot pass one night of sleep without an anxiety attack. I am filled with shame and remorse and cannot find a way to earn redemption. It was “fun” while it lasted but, in retrospect, simply not worth it. To all the ladies out there, go ahead, unload on me. I deserve it. You cannot say anything that could make me feel worse than I do.
I guess the reason was (I was certainly well satisfied at home) it was just there. There was no cost, no motel to rent, no risk of being caught in a car or a bar with another woman, it was just so easy. One woman explained to me that she felt no risk, did not have to go “out” in order to have extra marital sex.
As I said , at the time it was great fun, but, there is always a price to pay at sometime for just about everything we do. My wife died tragically a scant three months before she could enjoy her Social Security. The guilt and self hatred that I feel is all consuming and I find it necessary to occupy my time as much as possible to keep the memories from returning and tormenting me. I would warn anyone who is thinking of it not to do it. It just is not worth it.
From Mary
Here’s a quick tip, Perclown, we cheat because you have fallen asleep. [see Perclown’s entry below] Men come home from work, fall asleep in their lounge chair, wake up for dinner, watch TV, go to bed. Boring boring boring. If you want your wife to come home from a hard days work…fall on your knees and give her oral sex of a lifetime, ’cause the fact is if you don’t there will be another man at the office that already is, and doing it much better.
From Perclown
Simple as can be friends…we cheat and I say this from experience because we are bored and it takes a lot to keep us anxious for more…so here’s a quick tip it u wanna keep your man when he comes home tonight from a hard days work…fall on your knees and give him the blowjob of a lifetime….open up and say ahh…ladies and drink every drop…cause the fact is if you don’t there will be another woman at the office that already is…and to add to that she is trying to get him to leave you…so keep it hot…because whether u like it or not we cheat because you have fallen asleep…
From Anonymous
Can’t speak for others but I have cheated to experience things I cannot with my partner. Women of different ethnicity, sizes and shape, age. Those things which my partner can’t change but to me are still valid fantasies. I also have to try things she will not do such as strap-on play and anal sex. I make no excuse. It’s not right but at the end of the day I’d rather not be left wondering what those things would have been like.
From Anonymous
I have cheated on my husband and got caught twice. When he asks me why I have no answer. I do love him, he is a good husband for the most part and a good father. But when a man shows interest in me I get this feeling like I have to see what it could turn out to be. This makes me hate myself but I know I must be missing something. The funny part is these relationships don’t work or last but I keep going back.
I think should I just leave, start over punish myself? What is the answer? When I am getting attention from the other men I am on such a high I feel like I am worth something, and I feel so regular with my husband don’t men understand how much attention we need? Does anyone else feel this way. What do we do?
From Greg
I am having a hard time not cheating. The sad thing is there isn’t even another women. It’s just that lately every women is looking more and more attractive, and I can spend all day thinking about it. I do love my wife though. She is a real good person and probably better than any women I could ever hope to marry. On the flip side, I am having trouble getting it up for my wife. Another women accidentally brushes her boob against me, and I am good to go. I don’t know, I am really confused right now. I always said I would never be one of those guys who threw away a good thing for a another women, but now I know why someone would do such a thing.
From Alexis
For the last 17 years of my life, I have been with the same man. Three years ago I got a new job and met a wonderful man who made me laugh and would tell me how beautiful my smile was, and how he could see my smile long after I was gone. He told me he was in love with me and I fell hard for him.My friend gave me back someone I had lost along time ago and that was ME. I know in my heart it was wrong, but after years and years of trying and trying to find love in someone who just want everything from me and not giving anything back in return and cheated on me every chance he got.I don’t feel remorse, guilt or regret. Today I feel alive because of the affair. I was not looking for an affair, it just happened.
From Anonymous
If I were to cheat it would strictly be for sex. I love my husband and he is a great husband and father. Unfortunately, he is a lousy lover. And nothing I’ve tried seems to make any difference. I’ve tried hinting, being blunt, giving positive reinforcement, making comments while watching a movie or tv show…You name it, I’ve tried to communicate to him that I want more than a 3 minute quickie. Nothing works. And to tell the truth, I might be tempted to infidelity just to get some good sex if not for the fact that 99% of all the women I know tell me that the men in their lives are exactly the same. So, what’s the point of infidelity if I’m just going to get more of the same wham-bam-thank-you-maam-fall-asleep? So, men take it from a bunch of women — if you want your wives to stay faithful, pay attention to what she wants. And we can tell you it’s not 20 years of 3 minute quickies.
From Anonymous
People cheat because of lack of character. That’s ALL. It has nothing to do with your partner or your life and everything to do with your own weakness. Everything else is an excuse.
From Dennis
I up until two months ago had an on going affair with a woman I had met at work. She was the type that all the other guys looked at and drooled over, this after 4 children too, simply angelic. I went so far as to leave my wife for a month but in the end could not bear the pleas of my own three children to come back home.
I now in addition to the feelings of guilt for the pain I’ve caused my wife and children, feel extreme guilt for the pain of heartbreak I’ve caused my angel. I would advise strongly any who would cheat, think long and hard. All the beautiful plans and promises don’t stand for much when your wallowing in pity for the love you gave up and the pain you’ve brought to so many others. I’m a 31 year old “man’s man” and I’ve cried more in the last two months than in the past 10 years.
From Nikki
I’m young. Very young. In fact I have no business being with a married man. But I am. And it is exhilarating. I could stop being this man’s mistress. I’m not in love with him. But I care for him deeply, the sex is extraordinary (most likely because we don’t do it every day… it hasn’t become predictable), and I WANT to be with him. Women who say that men are being selfish, immature, childish…. newsflash! That’s human nature. Our bodies naturally want to be pleasured. If you feel that we should stop being so selfish…go to Africa and volunteer to help some kids.
Oh and one more thing. Women, if you’ve been cheated on by your current husband, or if you know he’s cheated for a fact but haven’t confronted him, then why don’t you cheat? It’s just pay back. And maybe in the end you’ll see why he did it. Maybe in the end you’ll end up understanding him more, and you’ll end up getting even closer.
From Anonymous
My wife and I have been together for 34 years and married the last 32. I never cheated on her until about 3 or 4 years ago. Why? I got tired of literally begging for sex week after week and being told no or hurry up and get it over with. Our sex life was great until after our second child was born then it was like sex was the equivalent of a root canal to her. She would even tell me she did not even care if she ever had sex again. I put up with this for around 13 years then one day I was contacted online by a woman I had gone to school. She was widowed and had moved back to our old hometown.
We chatted quite a bit then she invited me down to spend the night with her and told me she needed sex. I set a date for the next week since I needed to go check on my parents. The days that proceeded my trip I tried to be romantic with my wife but as usual was told to rollover and go to sleep because she was not in the mood. Well I went to the ladie’s house and we went out and ate. When we got back to her place we talked a bit then the next thing I knew she was all over me. She led me to her bedroom and we soon got busy. It was so different having a woman in bed that was excited about having me there and so vocal during the 3 times we did it. I have been invited back but have not gone. The sex life at home is back to the same ol same ol. I love my wife but rejection and disinterest in sex is taking its toll. I am seriously considering leaving and moving on to something that has to be out there.
So ladies if you love and care about your man take care of him and show him how much you enjoy being with him or I can guarantee you he will find someone who will show him how wonderful it can be across the fence.
The word “cheat” is presumptive, but for this subject it’s meant to be. It presumes that having sex with one person, either under the banner of the legal strucure of marriage or in other kinds of committed relationdhp, is the way to be, ad that if one partner steps out that;s bad. That’s what brings the verb “cheat” to life–one partner has sex with someone to whom they’re not married or committed to, and they’re not supposed to. The partner left behind might feel betrayed.
Seeing sex workers is cheating, in one sense, of course it is. The same principles above apply. Almost unneeded to be mentioned is that the sex worker is voluntary. Most, given my research, are.
I see sex workers for a variety of reasons. I’m too insecure to open up my marriage; my wife seems to have lost interest in sex post-menopause; when I talk about the lack of sex she gets defensive and offers to fuck right then and there, and so there’s no emotional connection; the emotional issues we’re uncovering make her afraid of contact and leave me bereft of physical contact, and I love full length skin to skin contact (so why not massage? I DO get massage, but that’s hand to body, and not leg to leg, or chest to chest, or full length skin to skin); my sex drive is way high, even in my late 60’s; and the few regulars I have are heart felt women–I like being with them and having sex with them.
One day out of the blue the answer to this question came to me. Why do people cheat? People cheat in their relationships to obtain things or situations that are non-existent in their current relationship. Some people obviously cheat just to reassure themselves that they still have “it”, the power to attract a mate.
Honestly, whatever the reason might be I really believe it’s a two way thing and there is not enough open and honest communication in the relationship. As Kris said above, cheating happens when something is missing for someone. whether that is something that can worked on and fixed, who knows? It’s a very complex issue and because people don’t like to talk about sex and intimacy, even to their partner, issues go unaddressed. It goes on (men and women) waaaaay more than anyone would like to think, or admit but it doesn’t have to necessarily spell the end of a relationship if couples are willing to work at it and see that both parties probably have some sort of shortcomings that aren’t being addressed.
This question will always appear for many millions of years after we are all dead, let’s face it. Why? I am sure the person who cheats does it because their needs are not met I guess, personally, I wouldn’t put myself through the pain or fear, I would just leave the current relationship and go into the world being single. Remember we are only human, both sexes are conditioned to this current lifestyle of the repressiveness of never being able to communicate to one another especially about sex. And, once rejected within a marriage well, that isn’t going to be too great on your self-worth if you keep getting rejected for sex by your life partner. So, the answer is some do and some don’t and some would rather leave the person and do it alone, and the others, well, whatever, floats their dingy.