By Ashley Lister
A silly young woman
called Alice
Used live dynamite for a phallus
It blew her vagina
To North Carolina
And her ass to a ranch up in Dallas
I’ve mentioned limericks before but I’m mentioning them
again as a writing exercise for one very important reason: they’re fun.
Note the rhyme scheme: a-a-b-b-a.
This is consistent for the majority of limericks.
A very good friend of
mine, Paul
Has got a hexagonal ball
The result of its weight
Plus his dick’s length times eight
Is his phone number: give him a call
Note the metre/syllable count. In
this one it’s 8/8/6/6/9. Commonly, each
limerick is 8/8/5/5/8 although they can go a couple of syllables either side
depending on how they’re being performed.
Please remember that the most important thing about the
limerick is that the form lends itself to fun.
One morning a
nobleman, Andy
Woke up feeling properly randy.
He said to his aide,
“Please fetch in my maid,
Or the dog, or whatever is handy.”
As always, I look forward to seeing your limericks in the
comments box below.
Bart had a burning obsession
to get his cock sucked in confession
but it turned out the priest
was a C of E beast
who thought it beneath his profession
I LOVE this!
A hornblower's mate named Horatio
had a sideline performing fellatio
He would swallow with bliss
and even drink piss
But it had to be in the right ratio
The first one is right on the money
The rhythm flows smoother than honey
It's rude and it's crude
unashamedly lewd
And the second one really is funny
I find that the problem with specifying syllables for limericks is that people get stuck counting, instead of listening to the rhythm. I find it easier to focus on the need for 3 strong stresses on the sentence with the 'a' rhyme and 2 strong stresses on the sentences with the b' rhyme. Because as long as you have those stresses, you can get away with fewer or more syllables, and even have fun with taradiddles. And the word value counts. When the natural stressed accent of a multisyllabic word is accommodated,
An obsession with counting the syllable
often becomes unfulfillable
the scan and the rhyme
are like blended fine wine
and every so often distillable.
I get what you're saying here. The problem is, as with most things in life, down to mathematics. The rhythm of a good limerick is usually best laid out in dactyls (or other trisyllable forms). However, this only works accurately if you've got a 9-9-6-6-9 form. As you've shown in the piece above, it's possible to create a stunning limerick with a syllable count of 11-9-5-6-10. As always with poetry, the word value is vital.
I swami… Spelling Errors R Me… sheesh
There once was a wifey called Domme,
who couldn't keep up with her homme,
until she discovered
a bird cage which covered
his big hairy balls and his Tom.
Nettie’s editing skills are so quick
And her writing is always so slick
You must be swift as a lance
If you want half a chance
To find typos in her limerick
🙂
Limericks always bring people out of the woodwork!
Well done, everyone. I'll be back. Meanwhile, I want to make sure all our Writers are invited…
BTW Ashley – rhyming "vagina" and "Carolina" hits a new high (or low?) ;^)
Lisabet – you know I can always sink lower than that 😉
A bawdy verse writer named Ash
Could rhyme a state's name with a gash.
Can this man sink lower?
Ash answered, "I'll show her."
Just get her to show me the cash."
A writer blessed with a large tool
Wrote poems to try and look cool
Challenged by Lisabet
He took up her bet
And rhymed his cool tool with Blackpool
Not sure how many readers know you live in Blackpool…!
An eager young sub named Louise
Spent most of her time on her knees
Begging Master to strip her,
Or fist her, or whip her.
He wouldn't – he just liked to tease.
Wouldn't that work beautifully as the epigram to a chapter in a novel? It's fun, it suggests a light-hearted approach to intimacy, and it just inspires so much curiosity.
There was a young virgin named Ana.
Her goddess was seeking nirvana,
But couldn't find bliss
Till she'd felt the whip's kiss
And danced upon Christian's banana.
(Talk about addictive. I've got to get back to work!)
Fifty Shades limericks? Oh my!
Glad to see I'm not the only one addicted.
My limericks are very, very tame compared to the above stunning examples. I wrote them to show to my students, who are having much trouble with structured poetry. These are tributes to "Jane," the image of a vintage pinup girl on a water bottle in the Jane Hotel in New York, founded 1908 as a hostel for sailors. She wears shoes and stockings, and nothing else.
A damsel of obvious charm
Liked to sunbathe all day on the farm.
Said Mother, "You're pretty,
But when in the city,
Wear stockings to keep your legs warm."
An artless young lady named Jane
Arrived in the city by train.
Some thought her quite rude
When she dined in the nude,
But the sailors would never complain.
Jean – you rhymed charm. farm and WARM? kudos.
I looked up the image you mentioned. The one I found was certainly an inspiring one:
She's naked – she's seen from the back
Her hair is all curly and black
I'd say she seems sweet
And a pleasure to meet
But she looks like she's scratching her crack
😉
Sadie, a young girl in a fix,
Was suffering a dearth of stiff pricks
But now has a dozen
Locked, leashed or hard coming
As a whip wielding dominatrix
I'm truly impressed with the rhyme of dozen/coming. It's a strong reminder of how well limericks work as a piece of spoken art.
Bonus points for using the word 'dearth'. We don't see that one often enough.
Jilly rides her males like a horse
With command, vigour and force
With stirrups and crop
She trots till they drop
Then beats them until they are hoarse
Your last line, making use of the homophone, works well on the page and is reminiscent of Edward Lear's typical limerick style.
Strong imagery.
Glenda, whilst checking her boss's agenda
Spied his plans for her shaven pudenda
By skillfully licking
Tongue subtly flicking
To orgasmic delight he would send her
Frottage with Ma'am's spiky stiletto
Lustful moans her subbie would bellow
Then a click of her heels
Amid shrieking and squeals
Had him cumming and singing falsetto
Mistress beat his balls with a quirt
Till his cock was ready to spurt
One final quick flick
To the wick of his prick
Shot wads of thick spunk down her skirt
I promise the last one for today . . . it was a slow day at work! 😉
This is what we should be doing with a slow day at work. Poems like this keep the creative juices flowing, they give a writer a chance to think in ways that go beyond the conventional, and they're also funny and very entertaining.
My favourite is the final one of these three. The internal rhymes on line 3 and 4 give it such a speed as it races toward the end.
Apologies. A poor effort.
A subbie on Kinkster called Roger
was known as a tease and a dodger
but I found he dislikes
a parachute with spikes
and kilos attached to his todger
How can you describe this as a poor effort? Everyone who reads it will rush away from this page to google 'kinkster' and find out what happens over there. I'd say that's a pretty powerful piece of writing 😉
(love the word 'todger' – we don't see that enough)
Thanks Ashley 🙂