by Ashley Lister
‘Twas the night before
Christmas
And all through the
house
My partner was laughing
‘Cause I’m hung like a
mouse
She was wearing black
stockings
And wielding a birch
And I quietly suspected
We weren’t going to
church
As the holiday season approaches, I thought
it might be fun to try something festive. As there’s no traditional poetic form
associated with Christmas, I figured it would be appropriate to pick a
Christmas poem and use that form.
Obviously, the first poem that came to mind
was ‘The Night Before Christmas’ (‘A Visit from St Nicholas’ by Clement Clarke
Moore). However, because I have always perceived this form as four line verses,
with an x-a-x-a rhyme scheme and variant syllable count, I figured that wouldn’t
be a sufficient challenge for the regular readers of this blog[1].
A couple of other Christmassy ditties came
to mind but it was only when I was contemplating the lyrics, I realized they
were songs. Frosty the Snowman at
first, then Rudolph the Red Nosed
Reindeer. I was about to dismiss this form as being traditional song lyrics
when I realized that the form was identical to my interpretation of ‘The Night
Before Christmas’: four line verses, with an x-a-x-a rhyme scheme and variant
syllable count.
She thrashed and she
caned me
But don’t pity my plight
I knew it wasn’t just Santa
Who’d be coming tonight
I’d
never before thought
She might like CBT
But now my balls are now hanging
From her Christmas tree
So, the challenge this month is to write
something festive in this traditional form.
As always, I look forward to seeing your
contributions in the comments box below.
And, I hope you enjoy the festive season, however you celebrate the
holidays.
[1] The original poem is
written in rhyming couplets and I’ve been perceiving the caesura as the end of
the line.
This One's not for the Vicar…..
Twas The Day After Christmas
Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house
Only Granma was up early in her new Christmas blouse
Her stockings were ruffled but she didn’t care
No one was sober enough to stare
Her husband was snoring away in his bed
She sniggered, when he gets up he’ll have a sore head
Her son, was sleeping on the settee in his cap
He’d fallen asleep half way through a film, no place to nap
A knock at the door, oh dear such a clatter
Granma tripped ooer the cat, oh fuck, oh shit, what’s the matter
Forgetting her blouse wasn’t fastened she gave the policeman a flash
As she opened the door, a breeze opened her sash
The moon on her breast highlighted the show
The policeman looked down to her Nora Batty’s below
Three more behind him in plain clothes did appear
You’d best come in, it looks like rein deer
They wiped their size nines on the mat, then quick
Told Granma to spread ‘em, she’s being St. Nicked
Down to the station, its time you came
We believe your involved in the great puddin robbery, we want a name
Now Grannie had history, a bit of a vixen
Late night shopping was a habit, she was blitzen
Her blouse still open, she spread up the wall
But she quickly turned round, stunning the cops one and all
Just then Grandad appeared in the doorway, ‘come gal lets fly’
With a cape that looked like a moth-eaten dressing gown they took to the sky
Down our street, over the wreck, over the river they flew
Hanging on for dear life, to Granma’s stockings, the cat came too
Grandad’s flying wasn’t up to much, they barely skimmed the roof
His wooden leg was flailing in the wind, oh Grandad mind yer hoof
They circled a little village, no cops they could see around
‘We’ll drop in at your sisters, she’ll be up, I’ll be bound
Landing wasn’t easy, a peg leg and a foot
All three ended up in a freshly dug patch and came out black as soot
The cat it ran away, Granma was on her back
What an opportunity Grandad thought, opening up his pack
So, there they were a frolicking and making merry
Healed up after so long neglected, Granma popped her cherry
Grandad, pleased with his efforts, straightened his dickie bow
As Granma lay a quivering, melting the virgin snow
Grandad asked ‘have you seen my teeth’
Never mind, out came his pipe, he lit up, smoke circles like a wreath
Granma smiling all aglow, a chuckle filled her belly
Grandad’s dick had icicles, his spunk no longer jelly
The sister ran out to enquire of their elf
Come in, get warm, I’ve just put a brew on for myself
The television was on, ‘they’re looking for you’, she shook her head
‘Four cops battered in a doorway, one was Judge Dread’
Well we’ve still got the puddings this is going to work
With all the Christmas leftovers, they planned a Turkey jerk
All the meat was cut off the bird, except the parson’s nose
With all the cooking, all the puddings, a heavenly smell it rose
Drifting over the village, no need for a whistle
The locals the gathered like the down of a thistle
Granma in her posh blouse, Grandad in his ragged gown, what a sight
Much revelry, such jollity and singing was had that night
A parody on the original by: Clement Clarke Moore:
Twas The Night Before Christmas
Roy – perfect. I'm still chuckling. Great work.
This is a riot, Roy! Some very vivid imagery.
With apologies to Richard B. Smith and Felix Bernard.
In order for this to scan exactly right, you have to put the stress on the first syllable of "endured".
A Kinky Christmas Wonderland
By Lisabet Sarai
Handcuffs clink. Are you listening?
On the slaves, sweat is glistening.
A beautiful sight,
Bare buttocks so tight,
In a kinky Christmas wonderland.
Whips and clamps to be endured…
Just remember your safe word!
The thrills of taboo
Are waiting for you
In our kinky Christmas wonderland.
In the dungeon a black-booted woman
Tells us we should call her Mistress Brown.
She asks if we’re collared. We say “No, Ma’am”
Then offer up our throats as we kneel down.
Later on, Doms conspire,
Branding irons in the fire.
We’ll face unafraid
The vows that we made
In our kinky Christmas wonderland.
Lisabet,
That's the best festive tune I've heard this year. Thanks for brightening up my season 😉
Have a good one x
All tinsely and shiny our
Yule time tree this eve
Gifts for each to be unwrapped
Smirks they're sure to leave
Little whisps of lace for you
Crotchless as you like best
A feminine strap on harness too
Boxing day we'll pegging test
I left the choice of toy
To you – flared of base dildo
From the wrapping it appeared
Surprise on my face sure to show
The life like, girthy, monster
Dong you just gave to me
Was the 2nd last gift I have
Beneath the Christmas tree
You hand me the final one
I open with trepidation
A litre of anal lube with extracts
For extra pleasure sensations
I have not the words to
Express my astonishment
I realise Mrs Clause will be
Delivering my punishment
I've been a naughty boy this year
And now my time has come
"Bend over boyfriend! Ho! Ho! Ho!
Let's fit this up your…"
I don't have words for how much I loved this. It's funny. It's rude and it's wonderfully festive. Thank you x