Old People Sex

by | May 6, 2020 | General | 7 comments

by Ashley Lister 

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going a little stir-crazy with all this lockdown/quarantine stuff. Obviously, I’m being a good and dutiful citizen, working from home (where I deliver online lectures) and practising social distancing on the rare occasions when I have to step outside.

The executor gave me a big, dusty box
Whilst I was still trying to mourn
When I looked inside,
my smile grew so wide:
Because I’d inherited all Grandpa’s porn

But it’s such an unusual situation. And, because I pride myself on being relatively productive, I’ve been going into overdrive publishing titles (where the rights have reverted to me) and even going so far as to publish a collection of my personal highly offensive poetry.

Now Grandpa’d lived a long full life
He’d loved his kids. He’d loved his wife.
He loved his beer. And he loved his fags
But his biggest love was his titty mags.

I’ve been writing poetry for more than a decade now and it’s slowly been getting more and more offensive. I suppose part of the challenge is pushing myself to the limit and seeing how much I dare say to an audience when I’m on a microphone. I know this has resulted in upsetting one or two audience members, but it’s also resulted in making several other audience members laugh with all the gusto that leaves a person breathless and satisfied.

And I sorted slowly through the dog-eared pages
A collection so vast it must have drained his wages
And I looked at all the women in their seventies glam
And I stared in wide-eyed wonder at each very bearded clam.

And so, it was relatively easy to put the collection together. I keep each of my poems stored on a cloud and I simply dumped them into a MS Word document, and then uploaded the document to Amazon Kindle. Because I was doing this over a period of a week I had a chance to read through each of the poems and decide whether or not it deserved its place in the final collection. Some of them no longer amused me and so they were ignored. Some of them, the ones that earned a place in the book, had me chuckling as I tidied up formatting and spelling prior to publication.

I saw a vadge so hirsute
It looked like an adult malamute
And another looked just like some big Maine Coone cat
There was one that looked weird
Like Chewbacca’s beard
And another that looked like Trump’s wig on her twat

Even though this is a link to that book, this blog post is not intended as a sales pitch. This blog post is simply my way of saying, I’m going stir crazy here, and this is how I’m coping. What are you guys doing to stop yourself from going all ‘Yellow Wallpaper’? Replies in the comments box below, please.

Ashley Lister

Ashley Lister is a UK author responsible for more than two-dozen erotic novels written under a variety of pseudonyms. His most recent work, a non-fiction book recounting the exploits of UK swingers, is his second title published under his own name: Swingers: Female Confidential by Ashley Lister (Virgin Books; ISBN: 0753513439) Ashley’s non-fiction has appeared in a variety of magazines, including Forum, Chapter & Verse and The International Journal of Erotica. Nexus, Chimera and Silver Moon have published his full-length fiction, with shorter stories appearing in anthologies edited by Maxim Jakubowski, Rachel Kramer Bussel and Mitzi Szereto. He is very proud to be a regular contributor to ERWA.


  1. Rose B. Thorny

    “What are you guys doing to stop yourself from going all ‘Yellow Wallpaper’? Replies in the comments box below, please.”

    Gotta be honest; the biggest change is that I’m working from home (I’m lucky, because it’s doable and I have a good job), and emailing in my grocery orders to the local food Co-op, for curbside pickup. Otherwise, a recent comic strip (“Pearls Before Swine”) summed it up perfectly for me: Rat is reading “Recommendations during Coronavirus Outbreak: – keep a safe distance from others, – avoid all social gatherings, – stay home as much as possible.” Rat turns to Pig and says, “They’ve summed up my life’s goals.”

    I have to admit, though, my “yard,” which is the mown, cleared area around the house that extends to the woods surrounding the house, hasn’t looked this good in years. I’ve taken advantage of the days that are perfect for working outdoors, i.e. overcast, cool (under 60 F), breezy, and bugless. I’ve pruned back scores of brambly bushes, dozens of saplings, and countless, low-hanging branches on larger trees, raked up three years’ worth of autumn detritus, and started a compost pile.

    I really can’t identify with people going stir crazy because they can’t go anywhere and/or be with a bunch of people. (I do feel bad for them because I know they feel bad. They probably feel as bad a I would, if I had to be stuck with people 24/7 for a couple of months.) But the stay home, stay safe directive? I’m loving it. Just me and Jasper (my canine buddy), the birds, the squirrels, and the occasional bear. Life is good. The only thing that could have made this better would be if my husband hadn’t died back in 2015. He would have been as comfortable with this as I am, except he would have started getting antsy now as the warmer weather is coming, because he wouldn’t be jumping out of planes, and that was his passion.

    Anyway, that’s how I’m coping. Except for the work-from-home thing, which I could really get used to, my life is pretty close to normal. 😀

    Rose 😉

    • Ashley Lister


      That’s the most beautiful story I’ve read in a long time.

      Glad to hear you’re coping OK.


  2. Jean Roberta

    These are funny. Now I’m wondering why Grandpa’s porn stash was never discovered by anyone while he was alive, if it was so vast.

    • Ashley Lister

      Jean Roberta – thank you. I think the reason why Grandpa’s porn stash remained undiscovered was because Grandpa had left it in a state where no one really wanted to discover it 😉


  3. Lisabet Sarai

    I do recall some other highly offensive bits you’ve quoted here and there.

    I’m pushing forward with my WIP, off the wall steampunk erotica. Not realistic!

    • Ashley Lister

      Hi Lisabet

      Steampunk is such a sexy genre in and of itself – I can see that working really well with erotica. You had a story in D L King’s anthology of steampunk erotica a few years back (Carnal Machines) a few years back, didn’t you?

  4. Annie Lynne

    I’m a hyperactive introvert so the quarantine hasn’t really been all that tough on me. I’ve written a mystery novel, an erotic novella, a book of poetry and essays, and four erotic short stories, all under an assortment of different names. Currently working on a young adult novel. Also, I’ve spaded and planted my vegetable garden and my flower bed.

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