Nerds Make the Best Lovers

by | May 21, 2020 | General | 7 comments

The recent lockdown has given me the largely enjoyable opportunity to reflect on my personal erotic history. One thing I’ve realized is that almost all my relationships have involved people who might be labeled as “nerds”.

That term has been twisted a bit recently, so that it has come to suggest pimply incels who spend all their waking hours playing video games. When I use the label, I mean guys who are might not be conventionally attractive, but who have above average intelligence. Nerds may be shy, unfashionable, or socially awkward. They’re not usually extroverts. Typically, they’re not sports- or fitness-oriented, preferring to read or tinker or hack away at personal projects. They’re the exact opposite of the alpha males so common in erotica and erotic romance. But believe it or not, nerds make the best lovers.

Nerds are grateful. They’re as interested in sex as anyone (maybe more), but in many cases have had less success with women because of their less-than-stellar physical appearance or their geeky interests. So when they do get some nookie, they make the woman involved feel really appreciated. At least, that’s been my experience. A well-fucked nerd is a very happy and generous guy.

Nerds do their research. A nerd understands that research can sometimes be compensate for lack of experience. My nerdy lovers have often known far more about sexual technique than I did – simply because they’d made a serious study of it.

Nerds are creative. They’re adept at devising interesting and unexpected erotic scenarios. Some of them even invent devious sexual devices for pleasure or torment.

With nerds, you have something to talk about in the afterglow. Nobody can spend every waking hour having sex. (Not even me.) When your lover is a nerd, the non-sexual moments can be just as interesting as the erotic peaks. Since I’m something of a female nerd (if that’s a concept that makes sense), I’ve often enjoyed long philosophical and/or technical conversations with my geeky partners.

Nerds are kinky and experimental. Okay, that might not be true of all nerds, but based on my personal experience I’d say the kink quotient is a lot higher than for supposedly masterful alphas. I had one nerd lover who enjoyed dressing up as Dr. Frankenfurter, corset, garter belt, stilettos and all. That same guy took me downtown to some seedy adult theater, where we watched dirty movies and played around in one of the booths. Then of course, there was the man who initiated me into dominance and submission, an Uber-nerd if there ever was one, who had degrees in physics and philosophy and a substantial private collection of BDSM porn.

My husband probably qualifies as a nerd. Certainly he’s brilliant, creative and able to fix any sort of machinery. He also looks a bit like a short Scandinavian troll (especially when I met him, when his face was obscured by a bushy red beard). Yet as we got to know one another, he told me story after story (at my urging) of all the women he’d bedded. Guess they’d figured out they should look past the surface! Alas, my DH is not one of the kinky nerds – but otherwise he’s willing to try almost anything.

Needless to say, nerds figure prominently in a lot of my erotica. One of my favorites is Dr. Theo Moore in The Gazillionaire and the Virgin. A brilliant computer scientist and a closet Dom, Theo is the virgin of the title. When he meets the gazillionaire, Silicon Valley entrepreneur Rachel Zelinsky, he has a lot of theoretical knowledge about sex, but no personal experience. Of course, that’s soon remedied!

Dr. Theo Moore

My current work in progress features so many nerds I can’t keep track of them all. The Pornographer’s Apprentice introduces the Toy Makers Guild, a secret society of Victorian engineers who design and build outrageous sexual contraptions for the rich and powerful. Gillian Smith is one of the few female apprentices to have qualified for the Guild – based on her intellect, her electrical and mechanical engineering skills, and her insatiable libido.

Her experience agrees with mine. Her geeky colleagues are more that capable of satisfying her – both physically and intellectually!

So let other authors swoon over gruff hunks with tight butts and six-pack abs, or pent-house billionaires with designer shoes and perfect hair. I’ll take a nerd every time.


Lisabet Sarai

Sex and writing. I think I've always been fascinated by both. Freud was right. I definitely remember feelings that I now recognize as sexual, long before I reached puberty. I was horny before I knew what that meant. My teens and twenties I spent in a hormone-induced haze, perpetually "in love" with someone (sometimes more than one someone). I still recall the moment of enlightenment, in high school, when I realized that I could say "yes" to sexual exploration, even though society told me to say no. Despite being a shy egghead with world-class myopia who thought she was fat, I had managed to accumulate a pretty wide range of sexual experience by the time I got married. And I'm happy to report that, thanks to my husband's open mind and naughty imagination, my sexual adventures didn't end at that point! Meanwhile, I was born writing. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, though according to family apocrypha, I was talking at six months. Certainly, I started writing as soon as I learned how to form the letters. I penned my first poem when I was seven. While I was in elementary school I wrote more poetry, stories, at least two plays (one about the Beatles and one about the Goldwater-Johnson presidential contest, believe it or not), and a survival manual for Martians (really). I continued to write my way through high school, college, and grad school, mostly angst-ridden poems about love and desire, although I also remember working on a ghost story/romance novel (wish I could find that now). I've written song lyrics, meeting minutes, marketing copy, software manuals, research reports, a cookbook, a self-help book, and a five hundred page dissertation. For years, I wrote erotic stories and kinky fantasies for myself and for lovers' entertainment. I never considered trying to publish my work until I picked up a copy of Portia da Costa's Black Lace classic Gemini Heat while sojourning in Istanbul. My first reaction was "Wow!". It was possibly the most arousing thing I'd ever read, intelligent, articulate, diverse and wonderfully transgressive. My second reaction was, "I'll bet I could write a book like that." I wrote the first three chapters of Raw Silk and submitted a proposal to Black Lace, almost on a lark. I was astonished when they accepted it. The book was published in April 1999, and all at once, I was an official erotic author. A lot has changed since my Black Lace days. But I still get a thrill from writing erotica. It's a never-ending challenge, trying to capture the emotional complexities of a sexual encounter. I'm far less interested in what happens to my characters' bodies than in what goes on in their heads.


  1. Rupert ramsgate

    My erotic series are full of regular people, not model-perfect hunks. Perfection makes for no drama and no interest.
    I dread any future discussions with mainstream publishers about cover art, because I can hear the discussion now. The publisher will demand that the cover shows some early 20s beauty posing with a 6-pack hunk. I will be saying “um, the main characters are in their late 40s and look curvy and mature. what is this crap?”

    • Lisabet Sarai

      Hi, Rupert!

      It never fails to amaze me, now publishers can churn out cover after cover with the same tired imagery.

      I LOVE the guy in the photo above. Very sexy. Now I have to write a story so I can use him on my cover.

  2. Emerald

    I can appreciate this sentiment, largely because intellectual stimulation is, by far, one of the most prominent aphrodisiacs for me. Those “philosophical conversations” you mention tend to really turn me on.

    I touched on this in my story “Shift Change,” which takes place at the Genius Bar of the Apple Store, in that of the three characters the narrator ends up having sex with, the first would definitely be considered the “nerd,” as you put it. He’s the one that doesn’t turn her on right away, but as she watches the skill, focus, and competence with which he works on her computer, he becomes attractive to her as a direct result.

    Thanks for sharing this!

  3. Donna George Storey

    Nerds definitely make the best lovers, because after all, the most powerful erogenous zone is the brain! May I add that I believe female nerds are also generally much better in bed than the stereotypes in popular culture :).

    • Lisabet Sarai

      Oh darn. I actually intended to add another bulleted item, highlighting exactly that point!

      Thanks for bringing it up, because I definitely agree. But then, with my tag line, I would, wouldn’t I?

  4. JL Peridot

    Love this. I daresay a lot of nerds are into health & fitness too, as that’s a huge rabbithole one can burrow into and learn heaps about <3

    • Lisabet Sarai

      Hi, JL – Of course you’re right. Stereotypes are convenient summaries, but every person (and character) is an individual.

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