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Ashley Lister

Writing Exercise – The Katuata (Mondo)

by | September 6, 2016 | | 4 Comments

 by Ashley Lister

Have you been naughty?
Do you need a good spanking?
Which paddle should I select?


I have been naughty.
I deserve your punishment.
Please use the studded paddle.

We’re all familiar with the haiku: the poetic
form, imported from Japanese culture, and interpreted by western poets as a three-line
stanza with a syllable count of 5-7-5. 

Less familiar, but similar in many ways to
the haiku, is the katuata.  In its Japanese
form the poem was made up of 19 onji, which we’ve translated as syllables. Most
authorities give the Katuata a three-line form structure of 5-7-7.

One of the popular applications of this form
is the mondo: a poem traditionally written by two poets and presented in the
form of a question and answer. The first stanza is the question, the second is the response.  

As a tool for helping with collaboration, this
is clearly an apposite way to begin a writing partnership.  However,
as a fun way of getting two characters talking, or simply challenging the
artistic imagination, writing the brief exchange of a mondo at the start of a
writing session is an effective way to kick-start creativity.

Your plans for tonight?
House of Cards
or Breaking Bad?
Or Pretty Little Liars?


Let’s be more daring.
Forget this Netflix and chill
We’ll make our own blockbuster

As always, I look forward to seeing your
poems in the comments box below.

Fifty Shades of Parody

by | August 6, 2016 | | 3 Comments

 By Ashley Lister

Fifty
Shades of Clay: A billionaire sculptor seduces an innocent young potter.

She
placed her hands against the slippery wet clay on the potter’s wheel. With
rising urgency, she moved her leg up and down to operate the pedal.  The moisture on the clay ran through her
fingers as the wheel span swiftly. She found herself holding a thick, undulating
length that made her think of him. Unable to stop herself, she licked her lips.
She desperately wanted to fire his brick in her kiln.

This month’s writing exercise moves briefly
away from poetry and looks at the parody. 
I have to admit, I was inspired for this exercise by something shared on
FaceBook.  The piece suggested a story idea
for Fifty Shades of Whey – the tale of a vegan being seduced by the billionaire
CEO of a large cheese company. 

The piece that was written beneath that
strapline was intense sexual foodplay of the variety that would earn the
instant approval of Kay Jaybee and KD Grace. 
I’ve seen other variations on the notion of Fifty Shades and I wondered
if there could be a fun writing exercise in exploiting this rich vein of parody.  Below, is my idea for a fun writing exercise.

Take one whimsical parody on the whole idea
of the original Fifty Shades title and then expand it with a short strapline.

Fifty
Shades of Sleigh: Santa needs a helper – naughty and nice.

Fifty
Shades of Spay: He’s an uber-successful vet and he’s going to do something
drastic to her pussy.

Fifty
Shades of Crochet: One young woman gets her hook and yarn twisted into a
beautiful new shape.

Fifty
Shades of X-Ray: She was only have been a humble radiologist, but she could see
right through him.  

Once you’ve got a title and a strapline,
write a paragraph from an intense erotic scene in that story.

Fifty
Shades of Monet: She didn’t just model for him – she made an impression.

“No,”
she told him, baring her breasts and showing herself to him. “Stop painting
those damned water lilies and paint me instead.”

Her
heart was pounding as she pushed herself against him. He dropped his brush and
she could see that he had smeared a streak of blue-grey oil paint across her
torso.

“That
needs rubbing off,” he said, nodding at her stomach.

She
straddled him and said, “I thought you’d never ask.”

As always, I look forward to seeing your
work in the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – The Lanturne Poem

by | July 6, 2016 | | 4 Comments

 by Ashley Lister

I’m keeping it short this month. I’ve got a book release on
July 7th and a launch party on July 10th. Raven and Skull is my first foray into
horror and, so far, I’m enjoying good reviews. (If you’re interested in finding
out more about Raven and Skull, please check it out on Amazon).

Because of this release and launch, I’m running round in a
haze of marketing and promotion that’s not giving me two full minutes to think
about poetry. Therefore, I thought it would be fun here this month to look at a
very short syllabic form: the lanturne poem.

one
finger
deep inside
then another
Yes!

The lanturne poem is a five line syllabic form that follows
the structure of 1, 2, 3, 4, 1. The idea is that a finished lanturne poem
should look like a lantern. I like this one because it’s so succinct. The
limited number of syllables forces a very strict use of language and there’s no
scope for waffle.

Kiss:
your lips
against mine
tongues intertwined
and…

…more
urgent
hands explore
flesh touches flesh
and…

…then
bodies
together
followed by a
kiss

As always, I look forward to seeing your poems in the
comments box below.

Writing Exercise – The List Poem

by | June 6, 2016 | | 7 Comments

 By Ashley Lister

One of my favourite poetic standbys is the
list poem. Because, in real life, I’m a serial list-writer, I find it easy to
slip into the mindset of writing lists. Maybe it’s something to do with having the name ‘Lister’?

This is from a poem I wrote a few years
back entitled ‘A List of Things I Think About During WOFT Meetings’. It will be
noted that the word WOFT is an acronym for Waste Of F*****g Time.

Have
I muted my mobile?

Is
my mouth fixed in a smile?

Can
I slyly check my watch?

Dare
I scratch my itchy crotch?

Can
I count the ceiling tiles?

Will
all this sitting give me piles?

I’ve written mine rhyming couplets,
although that’s just personal preference. These can work in blank verse or with
a rhyming structure behind them. What sort of lists would be appropriate for an
erotic poem? How about a list of things I think about whilst blindfolded? What
about a list of things I think about when you’re away? Or  list of things I should have said? This is
how ‘A List of Things I Think About During WOFT Meetings’ continues:

The chair’s
a witless pseud pretender

Who
brings a typo-plagued agenda

He’s
followed by his office flunkies

A
troop of trite arse-kissing monkeys

Collective
covens then collude

Whilst
fat ones focus on free food

And
everyone gets their free drink

They’re
here to eat and chat – not think

And
I stare at my blank notepad

And
tell myself it’s not that bad

Whilst
letting my self-esteem diminish

And
wond’ring: “When will this crap finish?”

Should
I know that woman’s name?

Dare
I check my watch again?

How
long ago did this shit start?

How
long can I hold in this fart?

As always, I look forward to seeing your
poems in the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – The Terza Rima

by | May 6, 2016 | | 8 Comments

 By Ashley Lister

When I make love, don’t think me crass

I’m sharing this in secret now

I like a finger up my ass

I know it does not sound highbrow

I know it sounds like I’m depraved

But ass-fingers make me say wow

And likely I am pleasure’s slave

The Terza Rima is originally an Italian form that’s been
used by Milton, Shelley, Byron, Frost and Dante Alighieri. It’s written in
tercets (three lined stanzas) with a rhyme scheme of aba bcb cdc (and so on)
until the final stanza. The final stanza can either be a single line, relating
back to the middle rhyme of the penultimate stanza, (yzy z) or it can be a
concluding couplet (xyx zz).

The structure suits iambic pentameter or iambic tetrameter and the interlocking
rhyme scheme presents a neat little form that is a challenge to write and a
pleasure to read.

And likely I am pleasure’s slave

And critics claim I have no class

But when I try to misbehave

I like a finger up my ass

As always, I look forward to seeing your poems in the
comments box below.

Ash

Writing Exercise – Humorous Verse

by | April 6, 2016 | | 2 Comments

By Ashley Lister

Betty & I

We
went to one of those swingers’ parties,

Me
and my blow-up doll: Betty.

She
wanted to add a new kink to our lives.

I
just went there to get sweaty.

Our
relationship was at a low point.

And
it had been that way for a bit.

But
I still tried to treat her with flowers or clothes.

Or
a bicycle puncture repair kit.

I like humour in poetry. Yes, poetry can lend itself to a great level of seriousness, but there is something about rhythm and a cleverness with words that makes me want to do something that will make an audience laugh.

Yet
for months my Betty had been silent.

And
our love life had skidded off track.

I
didn’t know if Betty had stopped loving me.

Or
was just missing the string from her back.

I
pumped her up full before leaving.

She
looked as good as it claimed on her box.

I
adorned her in lingerie, perfumes and makeup.

And
then I put on some clean socks.

Humour is relatively simple to do, and impossibly difficult to explain. Go for the unexpected. Use the surreal. Surprise your reader. Do something clever with words. Or simply describe the real world and allow your reader to see the humour that is there waiting to be discovered. 

We
looked perfectly suited together

We
each were the cream of the crop

But
that didn’t stop people from laughing

As
we waited beside the bus stop.

I
should really have waited to inflate her

Onlookers
can say horrid stuff

But
we were both going off to a sex party

And
I didn’t want to arrive out of puff.

This isn’t the complete poem. This is just the first half of it and I’m sure there are versions floating around the internet. I’ve put this one up here this month just to illustrate the point that even the silliest situation can be used to make an amusing verse.

And the exercise for this month is simple: write a
couple of verses of humorous poetry. As always, I look forward to
seeing your poems in the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – the couplet

by | March 6, 2016 | | 4 Comments

By Ashley Lister

These are the opening lines from a poem of mine called, 7 Real Signs of Aging:

The seven real signs
of aging
Have sod all to do
with your skin tones changing
They’re nothing to do
with facial care
Or fifty shades of
dull grey hair
They’re not affected
by a smiling eye’s twinkle
And they’re nothing to
do with any old wrinkle
They’re more to do
with your saggy bits
Like balls and
backsides, jowls and tits
We reach an age where
no one wants to bang us
Cos our balls are
dangly or our tits are hangers.
The first of the
seven signs is a drag:
Cos that’s when your
perky bits all start to sag

Traditionally the couplet is simply two lines of poetry that share the same end rhyme. In the first stanza above, pairing such as aging/changing, care/hair and twinkle/wrinkle help to sell this piece as rhyming verse that’s written to amuse. This is one of my favourite forms because it’s an easy approach to writing poetry. All a writer needs to do is find a pair of words that rhyme and make them into a verse.

This is another example of a poem that’s made up of rhyming couplets. Apologies if it’s rough around the edges but this one is a work in progress.

I don’t have time for most sex toys
They’re made for girls – and I’m a boy
They’re shaped like willies or Bishop’s hats
And I don’t have any need for that
They’re pink and bendy and most will buzz
But I don’t need one of those because
When I feel frisky and get undressed
It’s true to say, I’m quite repressed
And, whilst I think sex is fantastic
I get put off by buzzing plastic
And, being of heterosexual stock
I’ve no need for a rubber cock
But there are some tools I do desire
When I want my pleasure to move higher
If you want to hear me cheer and cheer
Pass me the remote and a bottle of beer

As always, I’d love to see your couplets n the comments box below.

Writing Exercise – the Rictameter

by | February 6, 2016 | | 2 Comments

 by Ashley Lister

 One of the pleasures of the rictameter is that there is no
need for rhyme: it relies on a strict adherence to syllable count. (Well, as
strict as syllable counts can be given our different regional pronunciations).

I know we looked at this form back in August last year, but it’s never too soon to revisit a quality form of poetry.

The
Rictameter starts off with a two syllable line, moves up to a four syllable,
and then a six and an eight and a ten syllable line, before going on to an
eight syllable line, followed by a six, a four and a two syllable closure. The
final line is a repeat of the first line, so it helps if it’s something punchy
and memorable.

oral

mouth, lips and tongue

ready to devour

yet bestowing so much pleasure

sucking, slurping, spitting or swallowing 

an overwhelm of sensation

that ends in liquid rush

and wanting more

oral

As always, I look forward to seeing your poetry in the
comments box below.

Ash

Writing Exercise – the Burns Stanza

by | January 6, 2016 | | 5 Comments

by Ashley Lister

Happy New Year. I’m hoping 2016 brings you
everything you desire that makes your life satisfying.

We first looked at the Burns Stanza back in
October 2014. I’m looking at it again now because we’re in January and Burns
night (25th January) will be on us before we know it. And, what
better way to prepare for a Burns night celebration than to write a saucy Burns
stanza?

As I mentioned when we looked at this form
before, the form did exist before Burns made it his own. It had previously been
known as the Standart Habbie or the Scottish stanza or, sometimes,
simply the six-line stave. Personally, I’m happy calling it a Burns
stanza. This is my attempt at the form.

Stanzas have six lines rhyming aaabab.
The a lines have four metrical feet and the b lines have two metrical feet.

Fair
fa’ your honest, sonsie face,
Basque of leather, stockings of lace
A cold smile with no soft embrace
You hold the crop
You wield the whip. I know my place
Please never stop.

As always, I’d love to see your
interpretations of this form in the comments box below. And, if you are celebrating
Burns night this year, please eat haggis responsibly.

Writing Exercise – Petrarchan Sonnet

by | December 6, 2015 | | 11 Comments

by Ashley Lister

Sonnet 18+

Shall I compare thee to a porno star?
Thou art more lovely and more sexy too:
I’ve yearned to have you naked in my car,
And I would really love to service you:
Sometimes you let me glimpse your muffin tops,
Your shorts reveal your sweet and cheeky cheeks,
The view’s enough to make my loins go pop,
And make me long to have more than a peek:
But I know you’re no exhibitionist,
You’d never ever play games of team tag,
Not even if I got you truly pissed,
Because, I know, you’re really not a slag,
So long as I can hope there’s half a chance,
I’ll dream about what’s there inside your pants.

It’s been almost two years on this blog since I mentioned the sonnet. I’m mentioning it again here because I love this form. The skill that comes from balancing rhyme, syllable counts and rhythm always makes me marvel at the talent on display.

The Rules:
All sonnets contain 14 lines. There are three main styles of sonnet: Petrachan, Spenserian and Shakespearian. Each one of these forms is made distinctive by its rhyme scheme.

Sonnets are usually written in iambic pentameter (that is, ten syllables made up of five unstressed/stressed pairings).

The poem above is a Shakespearian sonnet characterized by the rhyme scheme of abab cdcd efef gg. In the example above we can see the poem divided into the three quatrains (abab cdcd efef) and a final couplet (gg).

However, this month I’d like us to look at the slight variant to this form: the Petrarchan sonnet. Again, we’re looking for fourteen lines. And, again, the poem should be presented in iambic pentameter. The rhyme scheme for the Petrarchan sonnet is not as fixed as the Shakespearian and, whilst the first eight lines usually begin in the following fashion, abba abba, the final sestet varies from poem to poem. On this one I’ve gone with cde cde rhyme pattern.

I can’t remember when we last had sex
I only know it’s been a long long time
But I remember that it was sublime
So let’s get you dressed up in tight latex
Where you can make my manly muscle flex
And you’ll find that I’m still well in my prime
And able to do lots more in bed than rhyme
I can roar like Tyrannosaurus Rex
But if you’d rather just drink cups of tea
Or maybe watch Netflix without the chill
If you’re thinking ‘Thanks but no thanks, Mister’.
Then I’ll respect your right to reject me
Though being celibate won’t make ill
I’ll just nip out and call on your sister

As always, I look forward to seeing your sonnets in the comments box below.

Ashley Lister

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