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erotica

Raising the Dead: Clickbait

by | September 11, 2019 | | 7 Comments

Last time on Raising the Dead, we talked about your self-published stories that have just…ahem, gone to sleep. Tanked. Carked it. Better euphemisms come to mind, but Monty Python used them all in The Parrot Sketch (“’E fucking snuffed it!”) Specifically, we talked about Phase 1 of Reanimating Literary Corpses: Sexing up your Title and Keywords (also colloquially known as Hung Alien Jocks Drill Astro-Cheerleaders, though perhaps only to me).

If you’ve already read Phase 1 and applied those learnings to your dead or dying erotica, your title is now so sexy it smoulders, and your keyword game is tighter than an Icelandic nun. Should you expect to instantly start selling more books?

You already knew the answer to that, and it’s “not necessarily”. Making your eBook discoverable is just the first step in the journey. Now that you’re in a reader’s search results, what you need is for them to click.

Erotica that just Clicks

How do you choose fruit at the grocer? Do you look first at the sticker to see what variety of apple it is (Gala, Pink Lady, Fuji)? Do you look first at the price?

How about clothing? Do you look first at the label to see what fabric it is? Do you first try every outfit on to see which is most comfortable?

These are all important considerations, but they happen after the click. The click means you’re interested. The click means you might buy this product. At the grocer, the click happens when you pick up the apple. At the boutique, it happens when you touch the garment. Your focus switches from the endless variety of products that surround you to the one specific product in your hand.

In the eBook store, this focus shift happens when you click the mouse. People look, they like, then they click. They don’t look at the words though; they look at the pictures. Apples must look delicious. Dresses must look stylish/attractive.

eBook erotica must look sexy.

This is a very roundabout way of stating a simple truth: erotica is sexy. No sexy means no click. No click means no sale. If your smut’s not selling, ask yourself—is your cover sexy enough?

Define Sexy

Not everyone is going to agree with me on this. Not everybody wants a sexy slut or a well-hung hunk posing on their eBook. Some people like thought-provoking covers. Some people like minimalist covers. Some people actively look for the cover that stands out from the pack—the one that takes the road less travelled.

And they’re right. That does happen. It’s just that more people choose a sexy cover. If you don’t believe me, here’s a link to Amazon’s Erotica Top 50. Yes, there are a small number of non-sexy covers. You too might strike it lucky and sell smut without a sexy cover, be my guest, but if you want to play the numbers, stick with sexy.

So, pick a cover with a sexy model. Right?

No.

No. No. No. I can’t stress this enough. A sexy model and a sexy cover are two very different things. The biggest and easiest mistake to make is to choose a cover that is merely relevant, but not sexy. The book is about phone sex, so you pick a beautiful woman—nay, a sexy woman—holding a phone. Hear that sound? It’s your book dying. It doesn’t count that the woman is beautiful. It doesn’t even count that she’s sexy. She needs to be actively sexy. She needs to be doing something sexy. Ideally, she needs to look like she’s mere seconds away from doing something that would be considered pornographic.

Look through stock photos and mark the ones that make you feel aroused (watch out for nudity—you don’t want to be censored). I bet they’re active. I bet something is happening in the photo—or about to happen. It’s not just an image of stuff; it’s a moment from an active scene that has a very happy ending. This is the type of cover photo you want on your eBook.

Yes, your cover needs to be relevant. Don’t put a MILF on a sorority romp short. Don’t put a flat-chested waif on a BBW romance. It’s easy to over-think cover selection though—trying to find a model who looks just like your main character, hunting for elements mentioned in the story—buyers do NOT care. Remember, all you’re looking for is one click.

It’s a very simple test. If you don’t find the photo arousing—and I don’t care how perfectly, cleverly, satisfyingly relevant it is to your title—then walk away.

Actively Sexy. Got it. Anything else?

I’m tempted to say no. If you can nail an actively sexy cover, you’re nine-tenths of the way done with your erotica cover. There are still ways to screw it up with terrible cropping, futzing up the colours, using an awful font or indiscriminable text, but no amount of photoshopping is going to save you if you’ve picked the wrong image.

If you’re buying your cover or hiring a cover artist, you’re just about done. Those guys should have the skill to compose a good cover around the right image, just find and show them some stock photos that you find arousing. They can use them for inspiration. This was how we put together the cover for ERWA’s ménage erotica anthology, Twisted Sheets. We started with an idea—a near naked woman with hands all over her—and collected a bunch of sample photos for our divinely talented cover artist, Willsin Rowe. Willsin didn’t use any of those photos, but what he came up with was better even than we imagined. It was actively sexy.

If you’re doing your own cover, here are a few tips:

  • If you don’t have Photoshop, download Gimp. It’s free. It is hard to learn, but very much worth it. If you start with an easier program, you’ll top out on the features early, and then to get to the next level you’ll have to start at ground zero with Gimp or Photoshop.
  • Learn about layers and layer masks. They are critical to Gimp success.
  • Learn how to adjust brightness and contrast. There are advanced techniques that make the colours in the image pop without yellowing skin tones. Look for tutorials on YouTube.
  • Use a drop-shadow to make text more discriminable. Learn how to use gradients behind text if it’s getting lost in the image.
  • For square-ish or landscape photos, learn how to blend the edges of the photo into a background.
  • Crop the photo tight around the model. Don’t be afraid to chop off body parts, even heads, to get more skin in shot. I think it was Churchill once said, “You don’t look at the mantle when you’re stoking the fire.”

Now go get yourself some Sexy

Title and keywords make you discoverable.

An actively sexy cover makes you clickable.

Are we done with Raising the Dead? Ha! You know we’re not. Now you need to close the sale. But that’s a topic for another blog. For now, go get yourself some sexy and see if your numbers pick up.

Hotwives and cuckolds

by | July 24, 2019 | | 0 Comments

By Larry Archer

Living on the edges of “normality” gives Foxy and me a sometimes different view of the world than a lot of people. There are a lot of unusual kinks we’ve seen, and one of the more common is the cuckold and Hotwife relationship.

ERWA writers have posted several stories about Hotwives lately, and I thought it would be appropriate to throw my 2 cents in the bucket.

The definition of a Hotwife has changed a lot from years ago and, at least from our perspective, is not the poor husband forced to watch in horror as his wife entertains her Bulls. Today it’s more of a spectator sport as the husband watches and jerks off or takes movies of his wife in action.

The wife’s lovers or Bulls as they are called, are typically better endowed and able to satisfy her in ways that her husband cannot do. For a lot of guys, it’s highly erotic to watch your wife in the arms of another man or to have her come home and tell you all about her activities.

Hotwifing often starts with a man enjoying showing off his wife and encouraging her to wear sexy revealing outfits. Then the next step is going to a bar and have his wife sit at the bar, while he sits across the room so he can watch her as guys hit on her. Then maybe they’ll end up in a booth playing grab-ass. From there it’s an easy jump to advancing to the backseat of a car or motel room, where she’ll give out blowjobs or sex.

Afterward, she’ll tell him all about it while he’s getting sloppy seconds or thirds. He’ll enjoy hearing about what his wife has done as he waited in the car for her. The Hotwife is somewhat like an open relationship except the husband is a part of his wife’s cheating activities.

Often the man does not seek out sex with other women but enjoys listening to the stories his wife tells of her escapades with other men and gets his satisfaction from voyeuristic fantasies.

Our best friends are a cuckold – Hotwife couple and she spends a lot of time in bed with us while her husband likes to hide in the closet and watch. For him, spying on his wife and her Bull is a big turn-on even though everyone knows where he’s at. They make no bones about what they enjoy and everyone assumes her husband is in a closet somewhere or peeking in the bedroom window.

He enjoys taking movies of her in action so he can wank off anytime he wants while watching her on his phone. The only problem is he tends to shake the camera as he jerks off with one hand while filming with the other.

His wife is a beautiful blonde with shoulder-length hair, nice boobs, and a slightly voluptuous figure. For a woman in her forties, she’s a knockout and always a hit at a house party.

While swingers don’t generally date or go out without their spouse, it’s a lot more common for Hotwives to do that. They will often meet up at a hotel for a quickie with one or more Bulls and then go home to hubby for a final romp in the hay.

The cuckold will usually have to clean his wife up, and he enjoys the taste of her well-used holes. I think this is a holdover from the early days as the humiliated husband is forced to clean the wife up and accept the fact she’s let her Bulls have her.

Swingers are generally very tolerant of most kinks even if they don’t personally engage in the activity. In general, we are relatively “normal” as an overall group with sub-groups that may focus on specific topics such as BDSM.

Our parties tend to be the same. A typical house party looks like any other party with the exception that people will disappear for periods and you are often not with your spouse but just check-in occasionally. Some couples we know, throw parties where you’re basically expected to shed your clothes at the front door, and you end up in a pile somewhere. We seldom go to these “orgy” parties as it’s not really our scene and my wife is not big on group activities.

Our New Year’s Eve Pajama parties would technically fall under the “orgy” classification except everyone knows that you don’t have to go in the orgy rooms and no one is expected to have to party with others. Even after midnight, when most people are naked or close to it, there is no unwanted grabbing or other inappropriate behavior except between consenting adults.

Certainly, we don’t have an objection to orgies as they are often a lot of fun, but we tend to be more selective about our partners. We’ve introduced a number of couples into the Lifestyle, and they rapidly gravitate to the group that most caters to their needs and desires.

For those who are interested in expanding your horizons, check out my blog at LarryArcher.blog for more info in sharing your wife or hopefully Hotwife. Until this time next month when it’s my day in the barrel once again, have fun and be good (I know those two things are typically exclusive).

New Year’s Resolution Going Down in Flames

by | June 24, 2019 | , , , , | 4 Comments

by Larry Archer

I must admit that I’m a failure at New Year’s Resolutions. Amid our annual New Year’s Eve Pajama Party, I made a promise to myself that I would focus on writing my porn and get stuff pushed out the door.

I didn’t promise to stop jerking off, lose weight or exercise more. Didn’t promise to stop beating my wife. The only thing I promised myself was to write erotic stories and get them published. One simple task and I utterly failed at it.

Being honest with myself, I have to admit that I have published two well-received stories in 2019 so far, Idle Hands and a box set, Swingers Box Set. While I did get those two stories out the door, I now find myself working on four stories at the same time and not being able to finish any of them as I can’t seem to focus on one story.

This is like in engineering, we have the expression, “There comes a time in every project when you have to fire the engineer and go into production.” Which loosely translates into, “Engineers are never satisfied and will continue to tweak something forever or until the cows come home.”

When you publish at Amazon, one of the things that you learn is the 30-day cliff. After about 30-days, Amazon will start sliding you further down in the search engine results. This means that when a reader searches for erotica, your stories will stop popping up in the search results no matter how good the story.

SmashWords doesn’t do this and ranks stories by popularity, no matter when they were released. For example, if you search for best-selling erotica in the SmashWords’ Menage/Multiple-Partners category, you will find my story, Crashing The Swinger’s Pajama Party is number sixteen in this category. The amazing thing about this is that this 80,000-word story was released in June 2018, a year ago and is still number 16 in the multiple partner’s best seller category!

As you might imagine, an 80,000-word story doesn’t just happen overnight, and there was a lot of work plowed into the story. If you publish at SmashWords, your stories get to stand on their own feet and don’t disappear in the distance after 30-days. To me, this tells me that my ROI (Return on Investment) is better at SmashWords than at Amazon. However, the fact that Amazon Kindle reaches millions of more readers than SmashWords will often make up the difference.

To accomplish the same type of ranking at Amazon Kindle, you need to publish often and at least once a month or more. This is why, at our New Year’s PJ Party, I promised myself that I’d focus and publish regularly. However, this resolution got lost in the orgy room along with my clothes as best I can remember.

Currently, I have four or five stories in various stages of completion, with most around 20,000-words or about half-finished at best. I just can’t seem to focus on one story and get it out the door.

What will happen to me is that I see something or get an idea for a story and cannot help but start working on it. I feel that I need to get my initial thoughts down before I get distracted by something else.

It’s like the curly headed brunette on the new Sally Beauty Supply billboards. I’m in love with her, much to my wife’s amusement. The truth is that being from Texas, we all love big hair and the girl on the billboard looks so much like Foxy that I can’t help but blow her a kiss every time I pass that billboard.

I will see something like the brunette and get an idea for a story, which is why I’m my own worst enemy. Once I get distracted, I will write madly away just like Don Quixote when he sees a new windmill, just without Sancho Panza.

Growing up on a farm, left me with the life-long curse of waking up at the crack of dawn only without cows to milk. Foxy reacts negatively to being woken before 9 AM, and so I’ll often lie in bed and think about my latest story.

I’ve found that I can let my characters act out their fantasies in my mind. I will slip out of bed, grab my laptop, and drive to a nearby fast-food restaurant for coffee. At that point, it’s just a matter of downloading my brain onto my trusty MacBook Air.

I fully realize that I’d sell more if I concentrated on one story at a time and got it out the door, but what I should do and what I actually do are two different things. Luckily, writing smut is not something I have to do to keep the wolf away from the door.

It’s been almost seven years since I published my first erotic story. Previously, the only thing I’ve done remotely close are presentations on how to throw a house party at Lifestyle conventions. Writing erotica allows me to take things we’ve seen and done and convert them to a story, which someone will hopefully enjoy reading and possibly wank off to.

Follow me at LarryArcher.blog for more of my ruminations, and until this time next month, I’m off like a prom dress.

Censorship and Formatting Your Smut

by | May 24, 2019 | | 1 Comment

Welcome fellow perverts, today I want to pontificate about two completely different topics, Censorship, and Formatting.

I recently wrote a blog post about what I saw as a change in Amazon’s censorship standards. You can read the post that started this brouhaha by clicking this link.

I published a story, Idle Hands, about two bored housewives who decide to take care of their problems without having to wait for their husbands to come home. Idle Hands is a HEA explicit erotic story but was written to skirt Amazon’s censor and be published with a “Safe” rating.

Previously, Amazon would rank stories as “Adult” if they violated one of their rules or often even suggested a taboo topic but properly done most porn would receive a “Safe” rating. To say that I was upset about Idle Hands being ranked Adult was an understatement.

This prompted me to get down on my knees and beg for forgiveness while Sister Amazon rapped my knuckles with her ruler. Amazon over the course of several emails told me that the story would show up in their regular searches for people who had indicated that adult material was okay.

I breathed a sigh of relief and told my Frenchie that Daddy will be able to buy your dog food and you can stop chewing up my shoes. But my tale of woe doesn’t end there.

To my knowledge, the only way to find your stories content rank is to use SalesRankExpress which will return Adult, Safe, or Unknown as the content ranking, beyond actually searching for it.

Using the program kept telling me that my story was ranked Adult and not Safe as promised. After several emails where I was promised that the story was included in searches, I started testing Amazon. I used different logons to check and see if Idle Hands showed up in searches and it did, even though ranked “Adult.”

Belinda replied that she couldn’t see the story in her searches from down under and as one of the people that I highly respect their competence in computers and the English language, I tried searching the Australia Amazon site and could find my story when she didn’t see it.

I even tried using Chrome’s incognito window and it showed up. Using my VPN, I logged into an Australian server with the same result. So now, I’m even more confused than normal.

I still think that Amazon has changed their system to rate smut as Adult yet allow the story to show up in normal searches but am still not 100% convinced.

I have no idea why she can’t find my stories and know that she certainly should as my smut doesn’t stink. LOL

Stay tuned to this bat channel for updates…!

 

Formatting Your Story

 

Continuing from my previous post On Writing, I want to delve into some of the individual parts of a typical eStory. Keep in mind that my recommendations are only that. Feel free to modify or use settings you prefer and reject anything I say. If you follow my advice, your story should meet the basic publishing requirements of the major publishers and can be a starting point for your literary masterpieces.

Many of us have a fear of the unknown, and your first story is no different, but we’ll take this one step at a time. The hard part is writing the story, getting your thoughts down on paper, and that’s where you need to focus. If you get bogged down, Google for help and you’d be surprised that other people have the same problems that you do.

First, make sure you download a copy of SmashWord’s Style Guide. You will likely have to create an account at SmashWords but do it anyway as they will be one of your best outlets for your stories. What I have found is that for the typical eStory such as Kindle or ePub, the same format works for all publishers that I use.

The typical electronic story contains only text except for the cover image. Personally, I include cover images and a blurb in the Back-Matter section of other stories that the reader may be interested in.

When reading the SmashWords Style Guide, don’t get bogged down in areas that don’t apply to your story. In truth, you could probably take the 100+ page style guide and cut it down to 10 pages or less.

If you refer to my previous post, I outlined the sections of a typical story, and if you need to refer to it, I’d suggest opening a new tab on your browser so that you can flip back and forth as needed. The link to the previous post, On Writing, is here. Below I’m going to run through the typical story and highlight any things to keep in mind.

Cover Image – I recommend 1600 pixels wide x 2400 pixels high at 300 DPI (dots per inch). Amazon recommends a slightly different size, but this one works well and can be easily resized to 200×300 for ads or insertions into blog posts.

Front Matter – The Title Page, Copyright, and Table of Contents (TOC) goes here. Use the Style Guide for an example of the text to include. Remember to never include another publishers name or link in your document, or it will be rejected. If there is any doubt, search the document for “SmashWords” if you are submitting to Amazon and vice versa. My previous post has suggestions on storing sections of the story in folders to keep everything separate. Make sure that you include a statement on the Title page that all characters are 18 years of age or older.

Body – Your story goes here. I typically use two styles, Normal and Heading 1.

Heading 1 is for chapter heads. I normally use Times New Roman, 14-point, centered, and bold. Select a page break before and 12-point spacing after the paragraph. I use a first line indent of 0.01 inches to keep Amazon from auto-indenting which will make the chapter head off center, but it’s not enough to visually show up.

Normal – Format your paragraphs of text as a Normal style. I recommend 12-point Times New Roman, first line indent 0.3 inches, 1.15 line spacing, and 6 points space after the paragraph. You can use another font but keep in mind that you have no control over what device your reader uses and if you use a font that is not available on the device, it may not display properly. For your first story, don’t get fancy and stick to the basics.

Back-Matter – This section includes “About the Author” and advertising for your other stories. You can link to your website but Do Not link to another publisher. I create a Back-Matter document for each publisher and then tack those on the body of the story as required.

In closing, read other people’s smut for ideas. Always remember that besides wanking off, reading another author’s story will provide help on how you want your finished product to look. Look at each section of the author’s story to see how he/she formats the section.

I believe in consistency, and if your story’s structure remains basically the same across your stories, then it’s easier to spot mistakes and ensure that it flows properly.

Keep reading your story as you work on it. I carry a laptop with me at all times or a tablet and use cloud storage, such as DropBox, to keep your manuscript updated on all your devices. If you have enough time, then write but if you’ve only a few minutes, pick a previous part and reread it. You’d be surprised at how often a misspelled or incorrect word will pop out.

Well, folks, that’s about it for this month and hopefully will give you some assistance in assembling your story. Check out my blog at LarryArcher.blog for more from my deranged mind. See you next month on the 24th at ERWA!

Remember this is National Masturbation Month, so remember to do your part!

Retrospective

by | April 21, 2019 | | 3 Comments

Twenty years ago this month, I published my first novel.

 

I’ve shared the story dozens of times, in my long bio and on various blogs—how in November 1998 I picked up a Black Lace novel from the book swap shelf at my Istanbul hotel, was hooked by the intense emotion and free-wheeling sexual variety I found within, then got the urge to write something in the same genre. I dashed off three chapters of Raw Silk and sent them (by postal mail, of course) to England, pretty much on a lark. I had no expectations. The form letter I received in response, thanking me for my submission but warning me that due to the size of the backlog I might not hear anything for several months, didn’t surprise me in the least.

 

On the other hand, when I got email from the Black Lace editor three days later, offering me a contract, I was stunned. Now I had to actually write the novel, a minimum of 80,000 words. The publisher wanted to know when it would be finished. Honestly, I didn’t have a clue.

 

In the two decades that have followed, Raw Silk has seen four different editions. Meanwhile, I’ve published ten other novels (if you define a novel as a work of 50K words or more). Not that impressive a history, I guess, especially compared to many of my colleagues. Of course, I’ve also produced dozens of shorter works, ranging from flashers to novellas. In addition, I’ve edited both multi-author and single-author erotica anthologies, including several focused on ERWA authors.

 

Although pretty much all my work falls into the general category of erotic fiction, I’m otherwise eclectic. I’ve played with a wide range of genres, including BDSM (my first love), erotic romance, paranormal, science fiction, suspense, steam punk, historical, gay and lesbian. My tales range from literary erotica to pure smut, with everything in-between. For many years I worked mostly with a romance publisher, and chafed against the constraints of that genre. The rise of self-publishing has freed me to write whatever inspires me—which usually means stories that would make some romance readers squirm.

 

Not long after the release of Raw Silk, I found the Erotica Readers & Writers Association. I was looking for a way to promote the book (a very different enterprise in 2000, before the rise of social media). ERWA wasn’t what I was seeking, but it turned out to be what I needed. Though I’d been writing for self-expression all my life, I’d never imagined a career, or even an avocation, as a published author. I knew next to nothing about either the erotica genre or the nuts and bolts of the publishing world. The community I found here, the acceptance, support, knowledge and creativity, have helped me to develop my skills, to nurture my erotic imagination, and to market and sell its products.

 

Many people have remarked that being an author is a lonely business. I think that’s even more true if you write a denigrated, socially sanctioned genre like erotica. ERWA offered a delightful antidote to that loneliness. Some of the people I care most about in this world are folks I’ve come to know in the online world of ERWA. A few of these dear friends I’ve met in meat-space, but I know many of them only through the warmth of their emails, the generosity of their critiques and the arousing and challenging fiction they share.

 

I was in my forties when I published my first erotica, reliving and embroidering on the sexual adventures of my twenties. My early tales were fueled by cherished recollections and personal fantasies. I penned that first novel in just a few months. Passion poured out of me, onto the page. I wrote whatever pushed my own buttons, with no censorship and little focus on craft.

 

Now that I’m in my sixties, my motivations have shifted, but not as much as you might think. I still write to turn myself on. If I’m not aroused, how can I expect that of my readers? These days, though, I have a bit more distance from my work. I feel far more in control. Like a sculptor, I start with the raw material of ideas and mold them into the shape I envision.

 

As I mentioned earlier, the decision to self-publish has given me new energy and self-confidence. Perhaps as a result, in the past few years, I’ve found myself conquering what I’d always thought were intrinsic limitations to my writing skill.

 

For instance, I used to complain that I suffered from “narrative inertia”. What I meant was that once I’d written a story, I found it very difficult to make significant changes. I felt as though the story had chosen its own form, had set itself in stone, permitting me no more than cosmetic modifications. Attempts to alter the structure, the plot or the ending left me dissatisfied and deeply uncomfortable.

 

Those feelings have mostly disappeared. I’ve taken old tales with ambiguous, even tragic, conclusions, and revised them to end happily. (The market far prefers happy conclusions.) I’ve taken short stories and expanded them into novellas. My words and ideas now seem far more malleable than they did in the past.

 

When I first joined ERWA, I tried to create flashers and failed miserably. My method involved writing the whole piece, then trying to cut things out to get down to the word limit. The process felt painful and unnatural, and the results were rarely worth sharing.

 

At some point during the past few years, that changed. Probably this had something to do with editing Daddy X’s flash fiction collection. In any case, my flasher composition approach has become quite different. Rather than writing the full story, then pulling out the editing scalpel, I compose and check the word limits as I go along. I’ll always need to cut a few words, but my first draft is usually within 10-15% of the target. I won’t say it’s easy—flashers are a challenge for any author—but I enjoy the activity more and I’m far more pleased with the outcomes.

 

Finally, I always swore I couldn’t write a series. By the time I’d written “The End” on a novel, I really was done. I had little inclination to revisit the characters or their worlds. In a couple of cases, I had thoughts about follow-on books, and deliberately left threads to be followed, but somehow I couldn’t motivate myself to start on Book Two.

 

Then I wrote a book purely for fun, which turned out to be pretty popular (Hot Brides in Vegas). Almost as soon as it was published, I had more outrageous ideas about the characters, so I started a sequel. The Vegas Babes series is now up to four books, and I plan at least one more.

 

Nobody is more surprised by this than me.

 

Twenty years is a long time—nearly a third of my life on this planet. I’ve never made much money as an author. Given my other responsibilities, I’ve never been able to devote the sort of time necessary to publish regularly. Still, I do congratulate myself on my staying power. Through the ups and downs, I’ve continued to write and publish—and continued to participate in the erotica community.

 

I sometimes wonder whether I’ll still be here when I am in my eighties.

 

Stay tuned!

I’m Afraid to Come Out of the Closet!

by | February 24, 2019 | | 1 Comment

About a week ago, I released my latest box set, Swinger’s Box Set, for pre-order on Amazon. Who! Hoo! Then the very next day Amazon kicked me in the cojones and threw me into the dungeon. One Day, people!

Lisabet was right, and my original cover crossed the line for Zon. Why I asked myself? Everyone was pretty much dressed and in the bathroom, the cleanest place in the house. Surely, nothing nasty ever goes on in the bathroom?

Quickly, I reworked my cover with a more bland and non-threatening image. After resubmitting, my rating was switched to “Safe” within a couple of hours.

It was almost as if someone was sitting at their keyboard, ready to click Safe as they waited for my submission and give me absolution for my previous sins.

Up, Down, Yes, No! was I in some type of manic state where one day everyone is out to get me and the next its Mom and apple pie? Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean that they’re not out to get you.

Then to top it off, the big guy upstairs, no not Trump, but the big, big guy throws Sin City into the freezer. For the first time in ten years, its snowed in Las Vegas and two days in a row.

The girls all abandoned their short skirts and switched to pants as the weather hovered in the thirties with a serious wind chill. Instant downer!

I turned to Fox News and confirmed that global warming was, in fact, a hoax and fake news, but even after showing the outside world the news on my laptop, it still hasn’t warmed up. Confused and upset I’ve retreated to the comfort of my desktop as the warming glow of my twin monitors is likely giving me measles, brain cancer, or berry berry.

As you’ve likely read about, recent changes in regulations have caused problems with the porn industry and erotica in general. First, Tumblr was purchased by a goody two shoes company who felt that nudity and sex had no place in their organization. A large number of blogs in Tumblr instantly were censored and yanked. No longer are you able to see pictures of your next door neighbor’s wife with the milkman.

Then the thought police in Washington tweaked the rules making companies who hosted sites that exposed the naughty bits to be responsible for the content posted by their downstream sites.

Fearing the loss of their licenses, more and more web hosting sites are clamping down on perverts like me. I’m going to have to stop wearing my raincoat to better blend in with my local elected officials.

Over the last few weeks, it seems that many of the blogs dedicated to authors of erotic material have sprouted numerous messages about censorship and the big thumb of the government pressing down on erotic author’s collective necks.

One of my favorite quotes is from Larry Flynt of Hustler magazine, “Freedom of speech doesn’t protect speech you like, it protects speech you don’t like.”

As the walls continue to close around authors of smut, like when Luke, Princess Leia, and crew were in the trash compactor, while movie watchers were trying to confirm that Princess Leia was, in fact, braless in the movie, we must not give up the fight.

 

Beware, Rant Follows

by | January 24, 2019 | , | 3 Comments

Okay, I have to admit that I’m ticked off and it’s all Lisabet’s fault. Well its not actually Lisabet’s fault, she just wrote a blog post Consent and Complicity that got me fired up.

If you haven’t read it, take a minute and look it up. You should be able to click the link above to view it.

My problem is simply this, why are writers of erotica treated differently than writers of any other genre and their stories have to conform to different rules than others.

My top peeve is the use of rubbers in erotic stories. Why do we need a condom, will you get an STD from reading? Do we need to promote safe sex? Why?

Did Dirty Harry use blanks in his 44 Magnum, well did he punk?

Are James Patterson’s characters all nice Sunday school teachers, well hell no!

So why can other writers write murder and mayhem without any thought to their character’s safety? Is it written anywhere that we have to play nice? I’m mad and I’m not going to take this any longer!

When you read a fictional story, most people read to be entertained and a means to escape to another world for a few minutes. Well, and if you read one of my stories, I hope you get off also.

I don’t have any lofty ideals about my stories, I write stroke, plain and simple but that’s not the whole story.

An erotic story by definition is to entertain and stimulate the reader, not to teach a lesson. Unless that’s the actual intent of the story.

I never use a condom in a story because I think that the reader needs to imagine the feeling of bare skin on skin, not plastic rubbing together. The story is not going to somehow infect us but if you’re worried about it try spraying your books with Lysol.

I doubt that you can find very many people who would rather have sex with a rubber than bareback. Especially in today’s world, where we are constantly concerned about some disease such as Ebola, AIDS, Hep C, or some other God-awful thing that might make your dick fall off.

By the same token, if the thought of pseudo-rape or non-con scenes turns your crank, then why can’t we read that? If Stephen King can torture and kill people in his stories without raising an eyebrow, why can’t we have someone put clothespins on our nipples?

Personally, I’m not into pain but I know a number of people who really get off on it. That doesn’t mean that you have to read/write a story involving a flogger but you should have the right if you want to.

According to authors who use a conventional publishing house and have to deal with editors, there is often the comments that the editor makes them tone down their story to be sure it doesn’t offend someone.

That’s why I like to satisfy myself and my readers, not some editor somewhere, which self-publishing gives you that ability.

“Freedom of speech doesn’t protect speech you like; it protects speech you don’t like,” Larry Flynt of Hustler Magazine.

Ooooh, a Shiny Object!

by | December 24, 2018 | , | 2 Comments

Well, it’s that time of year, when we generally look back on all the things, we did right but typically remember those times when we stepped on our dick. Let’s be honest, the lessons that hurt are the ones we generally remember best.
This year I’m going to focus on one resolution, and that is to avoid looking at shiny objects. I have a bad habit of getting distracted and not finishing the story I’m working on as I get a new idea about a different story. When the dust settles, I end up with multiple stories in various stages of completion.
This year, I’m going to try and finish one thing before I start another. Checking my Draft folder, I see that there are 173 document files in it. If I assume that there are a certain number of auxiliary files, then this means that since I started writing smut in 2012, I’ve published about 25 stories yet have over a hundred waiting in the wings.
It’s so hard for me though and like when I see a pretty girl, my attention is instantly glued to the shiny new object. All other things fall by the wayside. This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if I’d finish one story before starting another, but I end up with a bunch of stories that are 25% -75% completed and only need a little push to put them over the top and out the door.

While I realize I should become a better person, lose weight, and stop jerking off so much, I’m not going to strive for something I’ll never accomplish. I’m going to try and do one thing for a change; finish a story before starting the next one.

I’ll do that right after I finish the four stories I currently am working on in rotation!

I certainly know better as I can watch my sales at Amazon and see the dreaded 30-day cliff when my latest story becomes old news and starts to drift off into the sunset. Just like the little engine that could, I can do it, I can do it.

I was reading Lisabet’s latest blog posting about how she got started writing smut, and my path was a similar one except for the fact that I previously hated to write. As an engineer, it seems to be a part of our genetic makeup that writing is always a struggle for us. We are much better at making something rather than telling someone how we made it.

I guess my first masterpiece after college was a paper I wrote on how to throw a swinger’s party. Foxy and I used to give presentations on throwing house parties back when we lived in the mid-west. You’d think it wouldn’t be that complicated to take your clothes off and lie in a pile, but it’s harder than you would expect.

Not trying to pat myself on the back, because it always makes my shoulder sore, we are reasonably successful at throwing parties. I can only remember one party when we invited someone we didn’t know, and the guy got belligerent and drunk. The couple we knew had vouched for them and against our better judgment extended them an invitation.

Our New Year’s Pajama Parties are typically 50-60 couples plus a few Unicorns and stags. The party normally lasts several days or until the next normal work day. After the first night, it’s down to about ten couples who we are very close with and with that one exception, always trouble free.

With several cops, strippers, a surgeon, a paramedic, and a forensic pathologist typically in attendance, we’re prepared for most situations. We can cover you coming and going!

The only problem having a party is that we don’t get to party much as watching out for everything is a full-time job. For us, constantly circulating to check the rooms, restock the towels, and change sheets takes most of our attention.

My first erotic story, Fantasy Swingers, was the offshoot of reading a poorly written story on Literotica and telling myself, “I can do that!” While struggling with the technicalities of proper English, I find that smut will pour out of my keyboard like a kicked over can of beer.

Swingers are still an ostracized group like the LGBTQ folks used to be, and I doubt that we’ll ever be fully accepted, but that’s okay as it’s a lot of fun and never a dull moment. Back home, we had a swinger’s bowling league, Friends and Lovers, that offended the other bowlers but it was amusing and would break up the work week on Wednesday night.

You would hear catty remarks about the girl’s low cut tops or short skirts and that generally encouraged them to be even more outrageous. A lot of women in the Lifestyle are exhibitionists, and the show is always a hoot. The manager at the bowling alley always bought the girls drinks and told us how much we boosted his business.

Unlike our current president, when I look back on 2018, I think it has been a successful year, all things considered. My only advice is first take a breath before proceeding.

Merry Christmas to all, and visit me at LarryArcher.blog for all your smut. Until next month.

Boobs, Beemers and SmashWords

by | November 24, 2018 | | 6 Comments

by

Larry Archer

Warning Non-PC Message Follows

One of the first things you realize about Las Vegas, a.k.a. Sin City, is vanity and show. Nowhere else in the world, except maybe on Rodeo Drive will you find as many boob jobs and fancy cars prowling the streets.

Being in the Lifestyle, it’s common to see women who’ve had some work done, as the saying goes but here everywhere you go they are in your face. We moved to Vegas from the mid-west, where things move at a much slower pace, and the women and cars are much plainer except maybe my wife, but she’s an exception. I had to throw that in, or she’d be pissed.

Dr. Jim’s Trophy Wife

Our plastic surgeon friend Doctor Jim and his demo wife are a typical example. I doubt if there is an original part on her body except for maybe her heels, and nicely rounded they are. For a fortyish MILF Hotwife, she has the best body money can buy, and she even gets an employee discount.

He keeps telling me that a couple of 500cc implants would fill Wifey out nicely but I’m terrified that something will go wrong. Plus, I’m more of a leg guy than a boob guy and like her just the way she is. This is laughable in several ways, two of our closest girlfriends (a.k.a. Unicorns) have ginormous hooters, one real and one not. But, I love them for their minds!

Here you go to the grocery store, and it’s all you can do to not get an eye poked out. One of our neighbors is a dancer at a local gentleman’s club. She’s a little Asian who is so top heavy I don’t understand why she doesn’t fall over when she stands up. She told me that a big rack is worth at least $50K a year and I can believe her. We men are so easy to manipulate, show me your tits and I’ll follow you anywhere!

She’s one of the few dancers I’ve ever known with a decent brain and doesn’t just stuff her money up her nose or give it to a drug-addicted boyfriend, who is jobless and plays in a band. She owns five houses and drives a new Denali. Plus, she just gave her boyfriend a new Infinity. She’s 28 and at the tail end of her career. She figures that she will last maybe another five years, so she’s already planning for retirement.

In Vegas, strippers/dancers have to pay to work, and it costs every girl typically one-hundred dollars a night to work. What other profession makes you pay to come to work? It just shows how much money passes through the typical club. You hear stories all the time of bouncers who drag an indebt customer to the ATM so he can get money to pay off the dancers and not suffer a broken leg.

There was a big lawsuit, a couple of years ago, about a guy from Kansas who was beaten up so bad that he’s now partially paralyzed and won a settlement for several million dollars from the club. So let that be a lesson to you, make sure you have enough money to pay for that lap dance beforehand.

Now that we’re in Sin City, we seldom go to a strip club as they are not the same. Back home, clubs were much friendlier, with less high pressure. We knew a lot of the dancers, and they would often come to our house parties. One girl, Linda, looked exactly like my wife, close enough to be twins, and they always told people that they were sisters (incestuous sisters at that)!

Another thing you’ll notice is that everyone drives a Mercedes, Beemer, or other fancy set of wheels. A business associate of mine drives a new blue Mercedes GLC, and I know for a fact that she’s spending a big chunk of her paycheck for her ride. I like to have a nice car, but I don’t need to spend the majority of my pay for one. Wifey has a red Lexus ES350, but I have simpler tastes and have downgraded from my usual Suburban to a Honda CRV EX-L.

Foxy is extremely outgoing and as my Mom says, “Would talk to a fence post.” We hadn’t been in town long before she met two women on the Strip, who are prime examples of Vegas excesses. One girl drives an SL class Mercedes convertible and the other a beautiful baby blue Bentley. They are both a product of too much money and too much free time but I love them both, and so far they’ve kept my wife somewhat out of trouble.

So if you ever consider moving to Sin City, put enough money aside for a boob job and a nice set of wheels.

Changes at SmashWords

The other thing in the news is that SmashWords has redone their site and hopefully it doesn’t screw up author’s sales too badly. Now what you see is about a 100-pixel wide cover image along with the story title and author’s name. The description is gone and allows the prospective reader to see more stories at a glance as they scroll horizontally.

I browsed the section on Men’s Erotica – Best Sellers and found five or six of my stories, so at least for me, I’m currently happy. SmashWords has published over 500,000 stories, which is amazing in itself after being in business for ten years.

They’ve changed their search and ranking algorithms and only time will tell how that works out. There’s a nice blog posting by Mark Coker on what they did. You can now make better choices on what you see or don’t see on their site, which hopefully will make readers happy and less offended by our smut.

Up until the last couple of months, about two-thirds of my meager author’s income came from SmashWords and their down market. But recently Amazon is running three or four times my SmashWords bucks. The only explanation I have is my latest two stories were released narrow and in Kindle Unlimited. So far it doesn’t seem to have hurt my SmashWords sells as my SW volume is up about 20% over average, but I need to finish up some stories that I can publish wide to keep my dogs in Blue Buffalo.

My last new novel, House Party, an 85,000-word novel of pretty much nonstop F’ing and S’ing was published narrow at Amazon and Kindle Unlimited. Previously, I’d poo-pooed distributing solely through Kindle and Kindle Unlimited, but have been amazed at my sales. While I don’t know how sales would have gone through SmashWords, they’ve been great at Amazon. House Party was released the first week of October, and for the next four to six weeks, my author’s rating has averaged below 1,000 and all the way down to a little over 100. The first couple of weeks, my author’s rating was in the 100-300 bracket. House Party hit a high best sellers rank of 30 in Erotica – Mystery & Erotica – Thrillers, and is the first story I’ve ever written that the best sellers rank was below a 100 and the story stayed in double digits for a long time.

While I haven’t ranted about it, I am amazed at the number of four-letter words in the titles of stories at SmashWords. I write strictly stoke material but would never use “fuck” or “cunt” in a story title. My stories are as dirty as the next pervert, but I do have my limits. Mark Coker of SmashWords is to be commended on his allowing the most juvenile of story titles to be published without complaint.

Several months ago, SmashWords implemented a voluntary categorizing of story content. When you publish a story (and previous ones), you have a checklist of about 10 categories that you answer a Yes/No question to things like “Does the story include screwing your Mother?”

At first, there was a lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth at the conspiracy theories about what Mark was really up to. I could see their point to try and maximize distribution while not offending those publishers with sensitive tastes.

So far, it doesn’t seem to have changed anything, but then my smut doesn’t usually involve large groups and Vaseline. Well, maybe the Vaseline and possibly the groups but you know what I mean.

The thing I love about SmashWords is they don’t nickel and dime you about story content or the cover image. I hate it when Amazon throws one of my stories into the dungeon, and I have to spend the next couple of weeks on my knees begging for forgiveness. Which usually means that I miss half of my maximum sales month.

Your first 30-days days at Amazon are typically when you sell the most copies because, after a month, you can watch the stories rating drop as Amazon starts to favor newer released stories. Plus, you are never told why you got dinged beyond vague hints as to what was offensive. While I write stroke porn primarily, I still try and meet Amazon’s restrictions. Then, when I get put on the cross down in the dungeon, it really pisses me off.

If you haven’t tried it, Amazon’s new beta report for sales and Kindle Unlimited pages read is pretty cool. It looks like they’ve been watching “Book Report” and have tried to emulate their reporting. There are two main pages, one for sales and one for pages read. I’ve posted a shot of each to give you a flavor of what they look like.

This is the sales page at: https://kdpreports.amazon.com/reports/sales

This screenshot is of the Kindle Unlimited pages read: https://kdpreports.amazon.com/reports/kenpc

This is the beta version of the new sales reporting tool and looks pretty sold so far. The report breaks down sales in a number of ways for all of you anal bean counters out there. The new report presents most of the things Book Report offers. The nice thing about Book Report as it gives you dollar sales figures for today, this month, last month, last 30-days etc. so it’s easy to see how your smut is going over with your adoring audience and when you’ll be able to afford your next lap dance.

Book Report is free and you can grab a copy here: https://www.getbookreport.com/ I think they start charging you for it after your sales hit $1,000 bucks a month, so for me, it’s a freebie.

I’m writing this month’s post on the Wednesday before Turkey Day and am sitting in the parking lot of a casino waiting for Foxy to emerge with her free bottle of liquor. When you have a casino player’s card, one of the regular inducements is free gifts to reward you for stuffing money in a slot machine or throwing it on the craps/poker table.

Wifey plays Texas Hold-Em primarily and does reasonably well at it, but I make it a point to never try and figure out what it costs me to keep her entertained. I am a firm believer in what you don’t know won’t hurt you.

If you run out of something to do, check out my blog at LarryArcher.blog for my latest theories on world domination and lesser topics. As most of the author’s on ERWA, I’m a writer of erotic literature, and my typical fare is primarily what’s called stroke porn for those of you with more base urges. Remember to think of me when you take yourself in hand!

See you next month on the 24th.

Larry Archer

Writing Porn at Work

by | August 24, 2018 | | 4 Comments

If you have a job that doesn’t occupy the entire day, have you thought about writing porn at work but were afraid that the IT department would catch you? Portable versions of LibreOffice might be something to think about.

You’ve likely heard of LibreOffice, an open source or free replacement of Microsoft Word but what is a “Portable” version?

PortableApps is a software package that allows the user to run Windows programs on a USB jump drive without requiring software to be installed on a desktop PC. What does this mean for the typical worker in a corporate environment?

Most of us, as a minion of corporate America, use a computer that is locked down. Without Administrative privileges, a user cannot install software on their desktop PC. Plus the fact that corporate IT regularly sweeps user PC’s to see what their serfs are up to.

This reminds me of the scene in Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail when King Author rides through a field with several workers. One of the workers asked, “Who’s that?” A worker replies, “Must be a king?” First worker, “How do you know he’s the king?” Answer, “He doesn’t have shit all over him.”

What’s a worker bee to do? Into the ring, PortableApps steps up to solve a problem. Keep in mind that what I’m about to tell you might get yourself into trouble with your employer, and so I have no responsibility for anything that happens to you.

Using a USB jump drive or thumb drive, you can install applications which run off the USB drive without requiring installation on your desktop PC. Furthermore, when you exit a program, it deletes the temporary folder created to completely erase any trace that it ever existed.

In plain English, this means that you can pull a jump drive out of your pocket or purse and plug it into your locked down work computer. Then run word processing and graphics applications that allow you to do work that would normally require Word, Excel, or PhotoShop. Then after you exit the programs, pull the jump drive out, and all traces of what you’ve been doing are erased.

There are a ton of programs, which have portable versions, that can be run from a thumb drive. It is a little slower than having the software installed on your PC, but slower is better than nothing. The program itself runs at typically the same speed, it just loads slower as a USB drive is slower reading than the hard disk.

For an Indie author, especially the paranoid type, being able to work on your latest masterpiece without worrying that your employer might find out that you’re a pervert can be a definite advantage for those who have free time at work.

If you haven’t tried LibreOffice, it is an open source clone of Microsoft Word and can easily read and write Word files. A Word user should feel right at home with LibreOffice, and it’s completely free!

Portable applications are available for GIMP, a PhotoShop clone, along with most of the other programs used by Indie authors to create and publish their stories. It typically takes 2gb of space to install a full suite of programs, which leaves plenty of space to store your work with an 8gb or larger jump drive. With jump drives selling for under twenty dollars, consider giving this a try.

Below find step by step directions on installing PortableApps onto a jump drive along with a common suite of useful programs.

Installing PortableApps On a Jump Drive

  1. For Windows PC’s, go to https://portableapps.com/ and install the PortableApps program on a jump drive. I suggest at least an 8gb drive or larger. For this article, I downloaded “PortableApps.com_Platform_Setup_15.0.2.paf.exe” to the Downloads folder of my desktop running 64bit Windows 10 Professional.
  2. Run the program you just downloaded, which in my case was version 15.0.2 (the latest as of 8/18/18). Go through the normal installation questions and select “New Install” when prompted.
  3. Plug a USB Jump Drive into your computer and select “Portable” as the Install Location. The installation program should default to the jump drive but if it doesn’t, select the appropriate Jump Drive. Okay the “are you sure” question to Install. Then click Finish when the installation is complete. This should automatically run the PortableApps program on the Jump Drive.
  4. Go through the list of available programs and check the ones you’d like installed. I’d suggest you include LibreOffice, GIMP, Note++, IrfanView, JPEGView, Fotografix, Inkscape, Scribus, Sigil, Kaspersky TDSSKiller, 7-Zip, Don’t Panic, and FastCopy to start. Feel free to add any others that strike your fancy. After you click Next, wait for the apps to be installed. Depending on the speed of your computer and Internet connection, this could be a while. There should be an icon in your taskbar showing the progression of the installs. I’m on a 300 Mbit cable connection and using an i7 computer, and it still took me 10-15 minutes to install the apps selected above.
  5. Assuming that you don’t get any errors, installing at a minimum the above list of programs will enable you to read/write Word, Excel, and PowerPoint documents, edit graphics (aka PhotoShop) and create covers (aka CorelDraw). You will probably have to agree to a few license agreements along the way, and hopefully, you don’t end up like Kyle from South Park when he agrees to be a HUMANCENTiPAD! Much less the cuttlefish!
  6. One of the recommended programs I installed in this How To guide is “Don’t Panic,” which is what we used to call a “Boss Switch” that hides your work. If you’re doing something that you shouldn’t and your boss or co-worker starts heading towards your desk, press the hotkey combination, and your program(s) are instantly hidden. Remember that I’m not recommending you screw off at work!

Am Writing

Currently, my story de jour is still House Party about surprisingly a house party. House party is an acronym of a swinger’s party with a number of twists and turns from my normal fare. I’m still not sure how it’s going to turn out but will hopefully be HEA in the end!

House Party is currently over 52,000 words and going strong despite all efforts to end the story. Amazon has a 30-day cliff, and if you don’t publish on a regular basis, you get kicked to the curb. But my characters don’t seem to appreciate the fact that it’s Publish or Perish!

Thanks for reading and if it’s the 24th, it’s another bit of smut from Larry Archer. Visit me at LarryArcher.blog for more pervy stuff. Sorry, I can’t offer any cooking or house cleaning tips but if it involves abusing yourself, drop me a line: Larry [at] LarryArcher [dot] com.

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